Look Closely at the Tragedy

To Find the Beauty Within;

Lord I am Thankful.

 

Thankful. Joyful. At Peace.

Here's my past two weeks:

Roommate's declaration of moving out

Rent Due

Anger

Frustration

Finals

Stress

Cousin's Unexpected Death

Funeral

Crying

Hating Job

Best Friend Got Married, Without telling me

Stomach Flu

 

It seemed like the world was crumbling underneath me and everything that could go wrong was going wrong. In these tragedies, I began to see how far I've come. I was being tested and I feel like I passed.

 

Right Now, All I have to say is "Thank you Jesus, Thank you Father, Thank you Holy Spirit! "

 

Tonight, I discussed the rent situation with my friend. I was so torn between legality and a friendship that I forgot what was more important. Relationships are more important than material possessions. True, the rent needs to be paid and there's a contract that was signed. Which we discussed and we came to an agreement that if I couldn't find someone that she was still responsible for the half of the rent until I could find someone. I told her that I would get rid of the internet and I would find a way to pay for utilities since she wasn't living here anyways, so she would just be responsible for her half of the rent. I did this without a harsh word, there was nothing but understanding and I think that we were on the same page. The truth is that I don't want to lose her as a friend, especially when she is having a hard time herself. I'm not one to be selfish, I know that financial struggles are in the works for me if I don't find someone but at the same time I have this feeling that God has my back. I gained this feeling while I was at my cousin's funeral.

 

Speaking of which, my cousin Jamie died unexpectedly last Wednesday. I can't believe it's already been a week. A little background about my cousin, he was one of my musical inspirations. He was so talented and music just flowed out of him. I remember that I wanted to sing with him, I figured that it would be a great memory. It never happened though. He passed away in his early 30s because of a fatal heart attack, he was the same age as my sister. My sister took this especially hard because they grew up together. The funeral was hard, I'm not going to lie. I broke down more than once but somehow his death has helped me look toward my future; my future in music. I have been given new hope and I know that even though I didn't get to sing with him on earth, I know that I will have plenty of time to sing with him.

 

 

I will finish tomorrow possibly. haha I'm tired and I plan on waking up early to study for my Anthro Final & Psych Final tomorrow :/ Goodnight all :)

 

I'm learning that I need to Let Go & Let God

Tiffany -xo.

As One Door Closes...

Another One Opens....

How true. This could not be a more true statement in my life right now. Last week was such an emotional rollercoaster, let's put it this way; I've never been more happy for a Monday than I was this morning. I've been saying that all day. Last week was emotionally exhausting, beginning on Monday. It continued throughout the week. Talking to my counselor I realized that all the negativeness from early last week was the after effects of my re-processing that was taking place. 

Re-processing...? I better explain, I have been going to see a counselor on campus for about a year now. Since I decided to audition for the Voice in January, she suggested that I do EMDR- not for traumatic experiences but as a way to increase my confidence. She suggested this after she heard all my doubts behind my audition. Last Monday was my first day doing this EMDR, I did do this before with my other counselor but it didn't help me because I was still closed in and I didn't participate fully so it didn't help me. On Monday it was a completely different experience, I was fully open and vulnerable. Guess what happened? I re-processed all the rest of the day and beat myself up over all the negativeness I kept saying about myself. It was horrible and it continued through Tuesday too, so bad that I skipped my classes. Not the brightest mood  but I was over halfway to my first class and subconsciously turned around got into my car and started driving. I realized what was happening when I got to the stoplight, by that time I just kept going. 

Oh, but there's more. There was so much crap that happened last week that I'm happy it's Monday. There's some realizations that I have brought about myself to. (I will list them...in a numbered list later on) My main realization though is that some changes need to be made. They are all changes that I need to follow through with myself, for myself. I've made this decision because if I am going to keep recovering...I'm going to have to just go with the inevitable. In saying that, I'm going to have to do what's best for me and not do what everyone else wants me to do. That means I might be hurting those I love, but some of those people that I love are taking advantage of my generosity and I can't let that happen anymore. It's a big obstacle in co-dependency. Boundaries. Co-dependents are horrible with boundaries, hence my realizations. Speaking of which, I'm going to write those now.

A Time for Change: A Newer, Stronger, Better Version of Myself.

1. Chicago, Chicago, Chicago

- Figure out Cost 

- Figure out Funding

- Figure out Transportation

- Figure out Songs

2. No more Miss Wait Around

- This past week showed me who cares about my feelings

and who doesn't. Drop whoever doesn't.

- I don't have to be mean, but I can't base my life around those who 

aren't there for me

- Put myself first

3. Finish the semester with a bang

- Get CDW turned in. STAT

- Go to classes

- Finish papers, start last assignments

- Study guides for finals

- LEARN CHOIR MUSIC for Friday

This is where I'm ending, with what I have figured out, I'm starting with the waiver...I'm getting my choir teacher's done tonight. Wish me luck & God willing! Overall I've been through, I realize that God leads me into the light. I know he'll get me through this with the best people. My overall goal is to be in a helluva better place this time next year. Adieu!

Truth Speaks when Faith Listens,

I'm starting to listen ;)

LOVE 

me xo

A Day for Giving Thanks

then why am I on the verge of crying?

Everything is changing. I mean, I knew that it wasn't going to be the same as past years, but wow! I didn't know that it was going to hurt me that badly. Looking back a year, everything was so different. Some things were great, others were horrible.The thing that hurt the most is that out of 23 people in my immediate family, barely half showed up for Thanksgiving. My heart aches for a family...I mean I know that we can't be together because of some legal stuff but we don't even try to be a family. I don't know what to do...I don't know how to react...how am I supposed to act when I don't even see one brother's family? Ironically, they live the closest to us.

Poor Poor Pitiful Me. The worst part of this is that I feel even worse because I feel bad....that I'm feeling bad. Does that make any sense? I feel like I'm being selfish because I want a family, instead of accepting that HEY! My family is messed up and it's THEIR fault that they don't want to fix it. Meanwhile, while I'm feeling sorry for myself there are people who don't even have PARENTS....much less ANY family. There are people that are going HUNGRY...and I'm over here on the verge of breaking down because of my little family problems. Please stop me if I'm getting overdramatic.

Wish List for Christmas? I was asked what I wanted for Christmas from my only brother that attended Thanksgiving, I told him that I really don't have a list. There was a lot of things I want, but the one thing that I want the most that I can't say out loud. What I want the most for Christmas is a Family. I don't want to go through another holiday where half of my family doesn't show up, this holiday was enough. I hate having to pick and choose sides, or even just acting dumb to why one of them can't be with us. I'm really getting sick of the inconsiderate people in my family. They don't understand that their ignorance is killing people...it's hurting people....it's hurting me. I'm getting fed up with the communication barrier between us all, I'm getting sick of having to hide how I really feel because I'm not involved....well indirectly I'm involved...and I'm about to raise hell. It hurts not being able to be a family, although I understand - it feels like I'm getting the short end of the stick. No call, just a text that said Happy Thanksgiving....how am I supposed to be thankful for a family that doesn't even get along? A family that doesn't even talk. Of course I feel like I have to fix it, but I know I can't....and for that I'm stuck in the middle not knowing where the hell to go from here. I know I need to pray....but I can't - I don't know how to pray. I can't dedicate myself to prayer...I feel like it won't work. Call me a hypocrite - I know I am. I just hate falling apart - I'm so impatient with God....all I can do is cry for help. This is my crying for help....I can't do this anymore.

 

I'm done now...I just had to vent before I blew up and did something that wouldn't help the situation at all. So those of you that read this...pray for me and most of all pray for family unity because I can't do this on my own. That's all.

oh yeah....Happy Thanksgiving



A Weekend Finding Love

What Love is This, That you gave your life

for me?

I am loved. This past weekend I got to go back to Valley City for a SEARCH retreat. If you know anything about me, you will know that Search weekends are something I look forward too. As in, the last one I went to before this November retreat was in April...and I almost died while waiting for this one because they were so far apart.

Never have I ever. Felt as loved as I did this weekend. I met so many wonderful people with a fire for God and the same beliefs as myself. Plus I got to see a lot of my favorite people who I didn't get to see for awhile. The thing about Search friendships is that they are solid because they are built with a strong foundation and that strong foundation is Christ. I strongly believe that those friendships built in Christ and that have Christ as the center are the best friendships. I haven't seen some of these people in months, maybe even a year! The great thing is that we pick up right where we left off, even over time.

In the Beginning. Yes, I was a little nervous for seeing everyone again. I always fool myself into thinking that no one misses me. Yes, my good friends are the exception. Even with my good friends, I always feel like maybe they aren't for me. Boy was I wrong on this weekend! As soon as I walked in, it was like I never left. Okay, so there were a few newer people but I still got along with them. My heart has never been so joyous as the moment I walked into the auditorium and saw everyone .My joy started as soon as we turned off the interstate and started descending the hill into what's known as Valley City.

Nervous? You bet! I was nervous for the new searchers, I didn't know any of them! Plus, I battle with what people think of me in general. It's the self-esteem issue...I'm not the healthiest or the prettiest but I'm me. Somehow someone always says something negative though and I believe every word. But this weekend I didn't hear anything negative, all I heard were positive reinforcements that I was beautiful. For the first time I felt great about myself! I have such wonderful friends and I got closer with a lot of my guy friends. They were the ones that kept saying I'm beautiful and all these compliments plus I got so many loving hugs this past weekend. Today I'm feeling the hug withdrawl...I miss them so much!

 

 

The biggest thing I learned this weekend is that I am beautiful and it's okay to be single. Someone will come into my life at the right time, until then I just need to keep growing & keep learning to love myself.

 

Until next time - It's true what I've been saying

Truth Speaks when Faith Listens.

Love you & God Bless

Tiffany

A Quick Reflection Before I Forget...

Clothesline Project. I just wanted to stop and write a blog post on how I'm feeling at this very moment. I just stopped by an event on campus called the Clothesline Project. It is a collection of different colored shirts that are placed on clotheslines. These shirts are from victims, survivors, both adults and children who've witnessed abuse of any kind. This could range from physical to emotional to sexual. The colors of the shirts represent who they are and what they went through. An example would be a white shirt, which is symbolizing someone who was killed because of the abuse against them.
A bit of background, I've known about this event since I was a freshman at Central because they would take us in our Family & Consumer Sciences classes. So, what I felt back then is nothing compared to what I feel now going through it.Today was the second time I stopped through to look at the shirts I didn't get a chance to look at yesterday during our lab. Back in high school when I looked through these shirts I was shocked to see how much this actually happened and I praised those who were able to make shirts and stick it to the people that did this to them. Back then, I couldn't fathom how much hurt this caused. Today, it's a different story.
Today, I understand their pain. I live their pain. The truth is that so many people do. I know what it's like to not trust people, especially guys in my situation. I know what it's like to see that person and not know what to say but inside you are screaming "Please apologize! Don't you know what you did?" That just being my point. He took my innocence, although he didn't take it all...he took a piece of me that I can't get back. He made me feel like I was dirty and I was ashamed. That's not what you are supposed to feel. You can say I deserved it, he was the first guy I ever kissed or even made out with. He was not the person I would've chosen for this, but he was selfish and he just took what he wanted. I was drunk and blacking in and out, I couldn't vocalize no, and to him and others that means I wanted it. I didn't. After it was done I curled up into a ball and couldn't sleep. I prayed that no one would be mad at me. I shut myself off from the world and left as soon as it was a decent time. Shame is not a normal and okay feeling.
After this happened I realized the importance of sex. Why it's not to be used and thrown around like some toy. Now here's a caution, I'm not using this to judge anyone. This is it's importance to me. I don't judge others, whatsoever. Because who am I to cast the first stone? I'm not without sin. Sex is now something that has so much value that I have closed myself off to letting it happen. Granted, it's not like I have so many situations where I have to chose or what not. Still, I have a whole new outlook on what it means to me. I understand more now that I've been through this traumatic experience, about the importance of waiting for the one you want to marry. Someday, I do want to marry. I have to let go of this first.
As much as I say I'm over it, obviously I'm not. Those emotions that came up during the clothesline project? Those are still raw emotions. I was about to cry...tears of pain. On a good note though, I'm proud of those men, women, and children who were able to make those shirts & I hope they are doing well on their recovery. I plan on doing a shirt, in time.

God, please wrap your loving arms and surround me with your understanding.

I pray that you take all these negative emotions of hate and pain away and 

renew in me your forgiveness and patience.

Remind me that you are in charge of it all, and you can help me through this.

Through the intercession of our most Holy Mother Mary.

I pray.

Thank you Jesus. I love you.

Truth will be speaking, when I grab hold of my faith and listen.

Tiff xo

If You're Reading This (Part 2)

Older sisters are the first friend we ever have.

No matter how much I say I hate you,
I'll always remember that you were there at the beginning

and you'll be there are the end.

I just simply want the best for you.

 

Dear Big Sister.

No matter how many times I say I am done caring about you and to stop talking to me about your life, have you ever seen me not listen when you need it the most? Have you ever stopped to ask yourself why I still come back, listen, and offer advice, even when 100% of the time you never take it? Yeah, I ask myself that question everytime. Day in and day out, when you need someone to vent to about your life  I'll listen.

Would you like to know why  I'm writing this blog for you? Well, it's because this is the only way I can get you to listen to me. This is my only way to write how I'm feeling. The saddest part is you could read it and throw it away like everything I've ever said, or you could choose not to read it at all. But here goes nothing.

 

First off, I LOVE YOU. With all of my heart, to the point that no matter how much you hurt me and ignore me and cast me aside, I'll still love you. I love you until it hurts, because you are my sister. You and I share the same blood. You may not be aware that you hurt me, and this is why I'm writing this.Growing up, you made some bad choices that led you to some bad people. You fell in deep and lost who you were and who you wanted to be. You experienced the late part of dad's recovery from being an alcoholic and you also experience something that ruined your innocence as a child. Most of all you got involved with someone who continues to change you to this day. I'll get to that later. As hard as this may be to believe, I understand & I empathize with you.

 

I've been there, not in the same situations but close. My innocence was taken from me before my first year of college. I was forced into something I didn't want from a FRIEND. Maybe not a family member, but someone I trusted. I made bad choices too. Driving drunk, drinking, smoking, maybe not to the extent most of our family has taken it but still. So I didn't grow up with older brothers who weren't good examples, or dad's issues after recovery but does that make me less of a person? Does that make me someone who wouldn't understand?

 

I hate to say this, but I'm begging you to give me a chance to speak. So what if I'm 19 and haven't even had a real relationship or had sex. Does that mean I haven't lived life enough to realize how corrupted life is? No, truth is I'm way more grown up than my age. I wish you would accept this, instead of making up excuses to why I have no points in what I'm saying and there's no logic.

 

I feel hurt when I hear you say things like, "You don't understand because you don't have kids." But the thing that hurts me the most is broken promises. I remember when we were little and you would tell me what you wanted out of life, how you wanted to find that one guy. You wanted to become a nurse and provide. You made me a promise that you wouldn't settle for less than what you deserved and that you would set a standard for me. As a little girl, promises mean something. We don't pinky swear for nothing. I still am that little girl, with high hopes for her sister to show her what she can be capable of accomplishing. When did the little sister surpass her big sister? I considered you a role model growing up, but now I realize it wasn't you that was my role model. It was the woman you promised me you'd be. Now I sit here with a shocked look on my face. I haven't even realized this myself until now as I'm writing.

 

Do you want the truth? I have high standards for you now. Starting with what you promised me when we were little. I'm concerned about your current and past relationships. Which both have resulted into two wonderful and amazing little girls. Back to the relationships. What happened to not settling for anything less than you deserve? I realize that at this point in time you are probably convinced that he is what you deserve & I'm  saying NO you DON'T deserve him. You deserve SO MUCH MORE than what you settled for. I can hear you already making excuses and defending him. My favorite excuses? "You don't know what it's like to have a baby," "I've hurt him as much as he's hurt me," "Do you think mom should've left dad?" or even the "He's been through so much and he's allowed to be like that...I know he's sorry (he doesn't mean it)" and I'm sure there's more that you are coming up with if you are reading this. I'm going to respond to each one.

 

"You don't know what it's like to have a baby." You are ABSOLUTELY correct. It doesn't mean I haven't grown up around children my whole life or that I've taken classes to understand what it would be like to have children. The most important part about this statement is the BABY part. I understand that when you have a baby, that child is the most important part of your life. Or they should be, if they weren't you should've given them up for adoption. Your two daughters mean everything to me, I've said this multiple times and I'll say this again. I love them, if anything were to happen to them you bet I'd have someone's head cut off. I mean that, I didn't know it was possible to have this endless kind of love for children that weren't even mine. I feel sorry for them to be in a situation where their mom isn't helping herself. I feel sorry for Kins because the male figures in her life are her deadbeat father who really wants nothing to do with her, and the guy that you live with being racist against african americans and uses the "N" word while referring to them. I feel sorry for Kay because he mom and dad fight all the time, and her father really doesn't take care of her. I also feel sorry for the both of them because of the use of weed around them. My heart breaks when kay wakes up screaming from a nap and kins slaps and hits the other girls. These really aren't normal behaviors sis. Think about THEM. I feel like you use Kins to get her dad to see her. Shouldn't he just want to see her? or CLEAN UP and set up a life that his daughter would be proud of? It's not your job to make sure she sees him, & you shouldn't have to run off to Fargo using our cousin as a cover up. I know you take Kins to see him. Stop trying to please everyone. I know you were texting J*** and saying that you were taking the kids and leaving. Why would you tell him? Why not just leave without a trace? or GET HELP to get away without worrying about him stalking you?

"

"I've hurt him as much as he hurts me." & "He's been through so much and he's allowed to be like that...I know he's sorry (he doesn't mean it)"  Bullshit. No, I don't believe this nonsense whatsoever. He grew up with the unfortunate life and he's making YOU pay for it.Over 12 years he's brainwashed you into thinking and BELIEVING that it's your fault. Everything, it's your fault. It's not your fault his mom left and his dad was a drunk & beat him. It's not your fault he got into drinking and drugs and that's how he deals with things. It's not your fault you almost got charged with a felony and your dreams of being a nurse anywhere could've been ruined. YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR ALL THE THINGS HE'S CONVINCED YOU OF. It's definitely not your fault that he hasn't seeked help from a shrink and you sure don't need to make sure he goes. Care about yourself! I know it's easier said and done but instead of promising me and breaking that promise, just walk into an office and admit you need help.

 

My personal favorite,"Should mom have left dad when he was a drunk?" first off, this doesn't compare to your situation because every situation is different. Also, the differences between you and mom is that mom got help she went to Al-Anon. She also put her children in front of dad when he acted stupid. She cared about them, and let him do his own thing. She admitted she wasn't in control of what he did, when he did it. He straightened up though, but I don't see this happening with J*** I'm sorry. He may fool you and be able to manipulate everyone but I see right through him. Everytime. I don't understand why everyone tells me to respect him and just "go with it" I'm sorry but I grew up being taught to treat our elders with respect. He acts younger than me, so why would I respect him.

 

Please don't ever use the excuse, "You're too young to understand" I'm so SICK of hearing this. Truth is I will NEVER be older than you, that's just not possible realistically. I do believe that I am old enough to understand simple concepts as a gentleman. Which J*** is not. Sis, do you want full complete honesty?

 

 

What do you deserve? What does my sister deserve?

You deserve someone who will love you for you. Someone who will encourage you to follow your dreams and go back to school to finish those few credits until you become an LPN. You deserve someone who will treat & love your girls as if they were his. Someone who will comment how beautiful you are and take you out a couple nights. Someone who doesn't lie, manipulate, abuse, or put you down. Someone who lets you hang out with your friends and isn't jealous if you talk to a guy you know. Someone who doesn't check your phone and accuse you of cheating...someone who won't cheat. This guy is out there, I know he is. The problem is, you've been hurt so many times that you won't open your eyes and get help for yourself. You've been told you are nothing and worthless all your life. But you are worth so much.

What do I see when I look at you?

I see a beautiful, caring, and loving woman. I see what you can be if you only gave it a chance. I see a mother who would do anything for her daughters if she would only help herself first. I see a sad, lonely, and hurt soul. Someone who doesn't know where to go and is scared that eventually no one will believe her. I see someone who is silently screaming for help but won't take it when it's offered. I see a little girl who was robbed of her innocence and never fully recovered. I see you. All of you. What you won't admit, I see it. As much as I want to reach out and help you, I know and accept that it isn't my choice. All I can offer is prayer & pleading to God that someday maybe you'll see what your capable of.

No matter what, I won't give up on you. If you give up on yourself, then I hope to God you push your girls to be everything they ever wanted. Teach them not to accept disrespect from a male, teach them about God. Show them God's selfless love and his everflowing mercy. Teach them how to be a lady and how to dream their biggest dream. Then show them and tell them that they can reach it. Don't be okay with them experimenting. What good will that bring? You say you don't care if they drink, do drugs, or smoke. I do.

There's so much that they are capable of and I hope that they are never discouraged from reaching for the stars. They don't need the addictions, they need love. You're right, they will experiment...but teach them. Have them learn from your mistakes.

My wish for you is that you will seek help for yourself. See a counselor and ADMIT EVERYTHING. They are there to help but they can't help unless you are honest. That's a lesson I learned. Healing is slow, but there's nothing like that feeling of freedom you begin to get. That breath of relief. What's wrong with running to God too? I may sound like I'm preaching but seriously. He forgives, he forgives all of your wrongs, your judgements, your sins, your everything. He takes the burden from you, he died for you. Like my status that you liked from Kari Jobe's song What Love is This?

 

"I look to you...I see the scars upon your hands & hold the truth, That when I can't you always can. I'm standing here beneath the shadow of the cross, I'm overwhelmed that I keep finding open arms. What love is this, that you gave your life for me & made a way for me to know you. && I confess you're always enough for me you're all I need"

 

Do you see what I'm saying? Have you heard what I've had to say?
Above all I want you to keep with you,

how much I really do love you.

I wrote this because it's the only way you would listen to me.

Like I said...you may not even read this.

I do love you...& I believe in you.

I'm praying for you.

 

You're not so little sister,

Me xo


 

I Am At a Loss for a Witty Title

dwell in possibility

Emily Dickinson

      Fall. Let me just start by stating the obvious. I absolutely adore fall. Just the smell of the crisp air and the colors. Oh the colors! I swear, North Dakota looks more alive in the fall. Fall is just cool enough to wear jeans & a hoodie which is my favorite outfit. Camo doesn't look silly and ordering hot chocolate doesn't make you seem weird. When I hear the leaves crunch beneath my feet, I smile and I become a little kid for that moment in time.

      Writing. So lately, I've been thinking about what I may be doing for a career. A few events recently have brought to my attention the fact that I may be good at writing. My GTA for my study skills class keeps letting me know that my writing is great. I exceed her expectations for the writing assignments and she fully enjoys my papers. Now, of course the critic within me comes out and laughs saying I just whipped this out of nowhere. This is partially true...however, I can't imagine myself being a good writer. How foolish people must be to think I can actually write well! That's what I think. English composition has become one of my better classes, I got an A on the first paper I wrote. In the comment section my GTA only noted that I should cut my intro a little bit instead of stating everything at once. So right now I have an A in composition. My GTA loves my writing as well. I don't know, I'm so confused on what I should be doing. I love writing, it's one of the things I tell people when they ask me what I like to do. I find myself writing a lot of inspirational quotes and even song lyrics when I get the inspiration. I'm so confused!!!

      Faith. I've continued to grow in my faith and I'm even more involved. I've picked up an adoration hour and I'm even singing in the church choir. My weeks have been pretty peaceful now that God is at the center. I mean, there's still road blocks here and there and sadly, I'm not very committed with praying. I know he's there though, I have become aware of the little things that have added to the beauty around me. This has become more prevalent in my life now that I'm on my own.

      Friends. So just yesterday I hung out with one of my friends who talks to a good portion of my family and she said something that kind of shocked me yesterday. She told me that when she talks to people, she says that she would rather hang out with me than anyone else. Her reasoning is that I am not full of drama. I am both overjoyed and saddened at this fact.

      My family is something I really don't like discussing with people. They are complicated. Broken. addicts. Whether it be to attention, drugs, alcohol, abusive relationships...you name it, I'll name someone. As sad as that is, I feel that they have done a lot to shape who I am as a person. They have given me charateristics - both good and bad - that have molded me into being who I am. Because of what I grew up with and how it's affected me in the past couple years I'm now seeking counseling. I don't blame this on them, I'm simply getting help so I can be the best person I can be. I've learned through counseling that I'm very co-dependent and instead of taking care of myself, I end up taking on the burdens of others just so they will be happy. The thing with co-dependents is that we never let people hear us and then we get frustrated because we don't know how to communicate with people. In summary, we end up not caring for ourselves emotionally or mentally and we become exhausted. We have this critic who is amazing with timing. Always telling us these horrible things and we play movies of our failure. ME TO A T! Although I'm not fully recovered, I know that I'm doing better than a year ago. One day at a time!

 

That's all for this blog entry.
Truth Speaks when Faith Listens ya'll

Love you! Have a great week.

God Bless

Tiff-xo

Here's Something Different

;; He who hesitates is lost,
but what if I'm just looking before I leap?

Lost. No, not the TV show. (Which I never was interested in really) I'm at that place where I'm wondering what in the world I'm supposed to be doing right now. Maybe this is just pure exhaustion speaking from none other than my ability to procrastinate, and procrastinate well. This time it was a three to four page essay writing about a painting. Not just in my own perspective, which would've been hard to make into 3 pages, but in the perspective of this guy named Berger. This was even harder because I had NO idea what this Berger guy would think of my painting. Oh I did it though! I even managed to get roughly four hours of sleep too. So now I'm clinging to a cup of iced coffee with an espresso shot, begging for it to wake me up.

Classes. So we are now in the third week of classes and it's hump day. YAY HUMP DAY! I really love my classes and the way I have my schedule worked out. Sure, Mondays & Wednesdays absolutely suck, but hey I have quite a few breaks between them to hang out at my favorite place this semester which is also known as the library. Yup, I can hear your groans right now. I really do love people watching in the library though, it's mainly the same thing...people on their laptops, creeping on facebook, while having headphones in their ears. No joke, try it. Then there's me, not creeping on facebook and instead writing about creeping on people in the real life. HAHA! Seriously, I just laughed out loud. (LOL in reality) Back to what this paragraph is SUPPOSED to be about. There is a lot of reading to my classes, which is to be expected but at least it's somewhat interesting. At least my anthropology class is a really exciting read. One out of four isn't so bad. I haven't given up on psych and soc though, I have a feeling they will pick up soon. Which I think tonight I need to get on track and read for those classes again, at least psych. It's the best thing I can do to help me not fail psych, since I missed class yesterday.

Counseling. I think I'm getting much better at handling my own problems now, but I don't think I'm at that point to just stop going anymore. Maybe just not on a regular basis, which reminds me. I missed Co-Dep group again. BLAH. I hate lazy pile of crap days, I did nothing productive yesterday and I felt like I was missing something. Well...I made a bad impression. Two groups I've missed now, I feel really bad because I'm not one to just miss something without giving that person notice. I don't have any excuse either, because I just stayed home yesterday until I finally went in to meet my friend for studying, then I was somewhat productive in the shopping aspect of life -_- I know, I think I have a problem.

Well that about sums up my day, I'm sure I have plenty more to ramble on about but I really need to skim this chapter and go over my soc notes before my notecard quiz, oh the life I live. I imagine I'm on that path to eventually finding myself. Until I get there though, you can track my progress :)



If You're Reading This (Part 1)

;; Know your limits, Remember where you came from,

but never give up.

Dear Friend,

If you're reading this...I have a few things to say. First off, I was really hurt and felt frustrated when you made no interest in hanging out this summer. It bothered me because I wanted to reconnect with you after being far away for so long. From this moment on, I forgive you. Above all, I miss you.

This past year sucked, with being raped, friends betraying me, my family falling apart, and falling away from my faith; I was lost and didn't know where to turn to. When I was at that point, I turned to you. You helped me see a lot of things, but one thing I could never get over was how jealous I was of you. Yeah, I'm jealous. As I write this post, I'm completely jealous and I'm writing it because I know if you want to you will read this. Why am I jealous? You've been succeeding in your life more than I am. You found new friends, developed a new foundation of rock in which you built your faith, started to love fitness, and you found someone who loves you very much. With all of this going on, I started feeling inconvienient, like part of me telling you about how much my life sucked was draping on your life. I started pushing myself away and I know I was being successful, I've always known how to push people away. When I sent you that text, I meant every word I said. When you didn't reply right away I was hurt, so when you did reply after a few days, I didn't answer back. I'm answering now. I'm answering now in complete forgiveness, for everything that has happened in the past year and summer. The truth is, you have been my friend for the longest time. In 7th and 8th grade you looked past all the bad things and found the true me, who wanted nothing more than a best friend because I was scared of everything else. Then in 8th grade when I betrayed you and stopped having anything to do with you, you forgave me in highschool & it was back to the 7th grade. You have been a great friend, and you are allowed to have mistakes because no one is perfect. As I write this, I'm asking for your forgiveness as well. I haven't been all the best that I could be either. I'm proud of you, you are going places in life. God has called you to one heck of a journey. It will be filled with struggles and obstacles but God never said it'd be easy. You will prevail in the end. I want you to know that whatever you decide to do, whether it's go full into veterinary medicine or take a year or two and go back to Africa. I know that you will be ready. I've always admired your perseverence and your utmost faith. You learned what I have not, and that is trust. Trust in the Lord and he will provide. Please continue on in everything you are doing. I wish you the best of luck.

If you're reading this,

I love you & I'll be praying for you dear.

Tiffany (:







Ever Have One of Those Unproductive Days...

No matter how much you want to get done,
your bed just seems to get THAT much more comfortable?
Welcome to my everyday life.

Update. I get the keys to my apartment in exactly 8 days, and I begin the moving out process in exactly 11 days. Holy shoot, I'm really growing up. Which reminds me, I did not call my future landlord back with our appointment! UGH. Not too worry, I will put that as a reminder in my phone to do tomorrow, along with calling financial aid back.

OH YEAH. So, want to hear about my latest financial issue? Well, in June, after turning in my SAP form to get financial aid and my Cultural Diversity Waiver back, I got a letter for both stating that I will have both reinstated for the Fall 2012 semester, here's the kicker. At the END of June I got another letter saying that I was put on the Cultural Diversity Waiver waiting list. The WAITING LIST. So, I've been trying not to think about it much...but of course not getting that waiver means that Tiffany, once again is in a BIG money issue. I called the financial aid office yesterday and asked about it but the advisor I needed to talk to was out of the office. (Go Figure) I left a message and she called me back today but of COURSE I didn't have my phone on me and so she left a message. In her message she talked about the letter I should've received if I got it for fall semester but then she went on to say that I will be on the alternate list until they look at their rewards. Back to square one. I don't and won't know anything until tomorrow.

I just started this "Growing Up" thing & already it sucks

I apologize. I have so much more to write but my head hurts really bad, I'm incredibly tired and I just don't want to type anymore. I guess this is where I end my venting session. It was supposed to be A LOT more positive than this, but I guess I will have to wait & do some major damage control tomorrow. 

Someday, I'll follow my own advice. 

But don't forget,

Truth Speaks When Faith Listens.

I love you all.

Buenas Noches
(Goodnight)

Sometimes I Feel Like a Child

;; Making mistakes, and being too naive toIt

learn from them.

Learning. There are days when I feel like I will never know enough to survive in the real world. What is the "real world" exactly? Is it being in your own place, with bills stacked ye high, and living paycheck to paycheck? I surely hope not. I'm nineteen with a lot of dreams but no motivation, I'm so scared of this "real world" but I'm also afraid of a short life. 

There are these moments like now where I'm just sitting and thinking. Thinking of what my life will be in twenty years, but having this feeling that I won't get there? Scary huh?

I think I'm just thinking of this right now because I just got done reading Summer Sisters by Judy Blume. The thing that shocked me the most was the character of Caitlin, she was such a free spirit but lied to out do her best friend. She ran from her fears, she ran when life got tough. I don't want to be like that. I don't think I have ever been one to run though, looking back on everything I've been through. Fighter. That's what I've been, I never asked for help though. I got through it myself, independence, you could say.

Counseling. So I have my second group session tomorrow, I'm not quite sure where to go from here. I mean I laid it all out for everyone last week. I made myself open and vulnerable to strangers. That was scary. A part of me is convinced that I don't need counseling anymore, but I know that is not true. I know that as soon as I got discharged, some life even would come knocking and I would forget all that I've known. In a fight or flight situation, I would still flee. I think this has a lot to do with my self-esteem and the way I perceive myself.

Body Image. This is the one thing I struggle with. It's also the one thing I never really bring up. I've never been thoroughly happy with who I am, I've always been bigger. I've never been the skinny one, that's why I never wore jeans in elementary school, because I couldn't fit them. It's just progressively went downhill, to where I am now. I think that's why I'm so sad all the time. I never want to go clothes shopping, I hate having to go to the plus size when the rest of the people I hang out with get all the cute clothes. I often feel like I'm a skinny girl trapped in this huge body, how much I crave wanting to go do something active but I can't because my body restricts me. I miss basketball, volleyball, and mostly softball. I'm lucky if I can jog for a minute. I don't want to be this way. Part of me has just given up on any hope of getting better, this truly is a disease. 

Someday. I'll be confident to chase my dreams, and follow through I will. Until then, I'll be here...trying to heal.

Time for a Bit of Honesty

I have been honest from the start,

now it's time for actions to back up my words.

Starting point. There is so much that I would love to write about right now, that's part of being who I am, I always have so much to say. I guess that sucks for writing, I can't write it all at once because 1) It wouldn't make any sense 2) If you don't know me, then you would be absolutely lost and 3) This would be one long post that you would lose interest in. So, let's start with a little catching up shall we?

Timeline. Since the last time I blogged, which was about a month ago. (Give or Take)  I have had a lot of time to look at what I've overcome and want to change within this next year. Within my faith journey I am still struggling to get where exactly I'm supposed to be. I have since then missed a few more masses, and have yet to go to confession. This resulting in passing on the one true gift that would fulfill my dire need for my father's mercy and forgiveness. I've thought about this a lot, this is such a huge thing that I am losing out on. Even as I sit here and I am awestruck that I haven't gone to confession yet. I went to mass this morning because I was scheduled to sing at the 7:30am service. It was a bit weird to be singing since it has been a  full month since I last sang. It was so relieving though, singing alone helps me cope with a lot of stressful situations, but using my talent to praise the one who gave me my voice, seriously raises my spirit so much more. I feel that peace and true joy when I know I'm lifting his name up. A true love. The only thing holding me back was the fact that I was in a state of sin. After mass, I realized that I have to go to confession and I have been looking at the schedules and plan on going this week. 

Faith. Continuing on, I also came to realize what exactly I'm looking for in the opposite sex. First and foremost, I want him to be a man of God. I want him to strive to be the best man he can be and be fruitful with what God has given to him and what he expects from him. I want him to challenge me in my faith journey so that I can grow closer in communion with him and our Lord. I want him to be caring, that he would wish upon himself another's pain. I want him to be honest and trustworthy, but not the thrown around versions of the word. I want him to be loving and still have a sense of humor. I want him to be able to accept his mistakes and failures and be able to learn from them. I want him to be social, one who loves meeting new people and making connections with them, especially when it comes to my family. My family is very broken, I want him to accept that and accept them. I also want him to fully support me, be my best friend who listens without judging, offers advice without expectation, and who loves unconditionally. These are all high expectations I know, but I believe that when the time is right God will send him to me. There's a lot of brokenness in our world today, a lot of good men that have strayed away from the faith and the one truth. It may take awhile but I'm fully ready. I now accept the fact that I am never alone.  

Family. Well, these last two weeks my parents were on vacation and for about 80% of those two weeks they were actually at the lake. So during these two weeks I got a LOT of time to myself. I really enjoyed it to be honest, other than feeling a little lonely I loved being by myself. My relationship with my mom has grown an enormous amount since last summer around this time. A part of the mending was just realizing that she and I are one of the same. We're both caregivers who don't know how to stand up for what we want because we would rather make someone else happy so that we are happy. We are co-dependents.  I think that's what makes her a great mother. We've developed a new understanding and we communicate better, the fights haven't totally vanished but when they do come up we correct them faster. Not much else to really say about family except about the relationship with my mom.

Counseling. Recently, I had to part with my counselor that I was seeing for the past oh seven months. She was only an intern and her designated time at the UCC was up. It was a very sad experience, I mean, it was another goodbye to someone who knew everything about my struggles and weaknesses. She knew about my family and all those things that I keep quiet because I'm scared I'll be judged. I was transferred to someone new, who has had a lot of training with the schemas I've been working on and with to recognize. I am very much scared of this new chapter because it is someone I have to tell my story too again and be able to trust that they are looking out for my best interest. Trust, it's one of the hardest things to do in my life. Like I said about goodbyes, it's hard. I did meet my soon to be counselor and she seems very nice and easygoing, she reminds me of the counselor I had but with a few more years tucked under her belt. The biggest transition I made was starting to attend group counseling. Now here is where all the insecurities and excuses started showing up. My counselor, the one who is leaving, suggested that I start attending group so I can be with people that will give some input and help me with what I'm going through as well as for me to give input for them as well. We are talking about putting me with a bunch of strangers that I have never met before and having me tell them all those deep dark secrets that I keep inside because I don't want to be judged. (Talk about nerve racking) As much as I didn't want to do it, I knew that she knew me and she wouldn't put me out to dry on my own. Turns out she was right, I absolutely loved my first group session. She had challenged me to be absolutely honest and lay everything out on the table. I did just that, I have no idea where I got the strength to tell all these strangers what I'd been through, but I did it. For the first time in my life, I got positive feedback and my needs were MET. There was no ignoring of my true feelings, I didn't get insulted, and for once I wasn't told that I was just overreacting. WHAT A RELIEF. I even received a hug from one of the girls present. Turns out my story reached out and connected with her so much that she started crying with me. It was such an overwhelming feeling, but in a good way. I look forward to attending group now. People helping people, and that's exactly what I love doing.

Health. So tonight I was inspired by two shows that always seem to touch my heart every episode. Secret Millionaire and Extreme Makeover: Weight Loss Edition. Secret Millionaire inspires me every week because I see how many people are in need, right in my own back yard, I just want to reach out and help in any way I possibly can. In fact, I just saved a packet of various volunteer opportunities to my computer. I will definitely look into a few of these for this next year. If I am ever as successful as some of these millionaires are, I hope I invest and give money to those organizations in need. Now for the second show, Extreme makeover, AH! I'm obsessed, it wants me to work on myself and make me into a better person. It shows how hard work, determination, and setting goals can help you change your life. It makes me want to work out and see that process which, by the way, I'm starting. This past week I have been logging my meals and drinking at least 6 glasses of water a day. Tomorrow, I will try getting up at 7am for quick workouts as well as preparing my breakfasts for the next week. My mom has been buying more fruit and veggies. I have the motivation, new school year, new me. I'm a work in progress and I think it's the right time for change.

Well...I am absolutely exhausted & I am terribly in love with Jane by Design. haha

Goodnight & God Bless
Always remember,
Truth Speaks when Faith Listens.

Tiffany xo

All I Can Say Is...

I'm sorry,

I'll keep saying it because I keep messing up.

The only person who can help me get to where I'm supposed to be,

is the one who made me.



Days Like Today. To be honest, I absolutely hate days off. Especially when I have no appointments or gathering with friends. The day just becomes full of nothing and I'd rather sleep then be productive, which is EXACTLY what I did today. I let two FULL days pass without doing anything productive. Tomorrow, I go back to working and probably will be working for the rest of next week. That's not the problem though, it goes much deeper than that.

Unproductive. This can also describe my faith life right now. I'm not proud of where I am in my faith right now, I'm back to the same as last summer. I've missed mass 4 times in the past two months, that's a whole MONTH without church. I know there's a lot of catholics that don't go to church but hey, that's them, it isn't me. It's not like me at all, & I am starting to see how easy the excuses start to form. My faith is the most important thing to me, when no one else has been there, he has. It's taken me a lot of bad decisions to see that, but his mercy is so endless. I find it amazing with some of the testimonies I hear about how people found God and turned to him. I am kind of jealous because they have a testimony, I've known about God my whole life. I guess I can say I have my own testimony though because I have known about God, but yet I haven't known Him. At search I made commitments, and sadly when I found that paper today I wasn't keeping any of them anymore. So definitely starting that again . What I need to develop is daily conversation with God, instead of just in those moments where I'm stressed or afraid. That's better than nothing right? My point is that if every I tell myself that I'm doing enough, I'm not. There's always a chance to better myself. One thing that has stuck with me through all these years is what my youth director said in class one wednesday night. She said, "We are ALL called to be saints." Wouldn't that be something? If not a saint, I want to be remembered as caring, self-sacrificing, and one who truly shows the love of our Lord. Crazy huh? Challenge Accepted.

Growing Up. I say this because I am moving into my own place in August. August 1st, in fact. It scares me beyond belief that I will be out on my own. Wait a second, pause, rewind, play. Yes, I did say that it scares me that I will be on my own, when a year ago that's all I ever wanted. Moving out into an apartment is growing up for me, the fact I'm leaving my home to begin a new journey. See, moving in the dorms wouldn't have affected me that much because I'd be moving home after 8 months. This is an actual place! I will have to pay bills, cook food, be responsible for myself and not within 2 feet from my mom. She will be a thirty minute drive away, same with my dad. It scares the crap out of me. For once, I'm responsible for everything. Yeah, so I'm scared. Hopefully, I continue growing in my faith and attending mass with my mom. Make Sundays, bonding days. I'm not all scared though, I'm excited to be on my own. It will be nice to see where things go and finally learning what I haven't learned all these years. I've been growing up a lot this past year, being thrown into a lot of new things. Some were good experiences and some were bad experiences. I will have a roommate, which is my close friend, not recently though because of all this apartment drama, I hope that it won't be like this when we move in...but I have a gut feeling it's not all going to be rainbows and butterflies. Hey, there's no rainbows without rain right? My worry right now is the money, I have to work my ass off the rest of the summer. Like basically killing myself for money, I don't have Target anymore because I quit the highest paying job for a job that makes me happy. It's not a bad thing, I just wish happiness paid more. I've been praying that God make my path straight and that if this apartment is a beneficial thing then he will make it happen, so far it's been a green light. We shall see...

I'm not done but I am tired & I should be getting to bed because I have to work early with my dad tomorrow. So I'll close here.

I guess the last thing I have to say is, Maybe I should listen to my own advice...afterall

Truth Speaks when Faith Listens

God Bless & Good night all





My Biggest Disappointment

was the moment I thought I could please everyone,
and still be Myself.

Let's be honest. I always thought that my purpose in life was to care for others. I got way ahead of myself and actually convinced myself that I could please everyone and still be who I am. In the mix of all the chaos I lost who I was in the first place. I didn't stop right away though, I threw the thought away and now here I am. Lost. So Who Am I? Or a better question, who WAS I? I guess the latter question doesn't matter because the past is the past. 

Two weeks Left. Finals, then SUMMER! Although I am unsure where my education path is headed, I know that my #1 priority is to get re-admitted. Then focus, focus, focus.

Tangent. Here's what's been on my mind. I want to better myself fully, what's holding me back? Of course the fear of change, the fear that if I change for the better I will experience happiness and god-forbid that I get used to that happiness. There's my underlining fear of change. I realized this in a counseling session. I fear happiness. How silly that must be for all of you to read. It's 100% truth. The one thing I crave is the number one thing I am afraid of. Anyway...

Commitments. I'm sick of making them, but I want change so bad. There was this quote or saying I came across that says "If you are tired of starting over, then stop giving up." oh SOO much inspiration comes from that statement. There are NO excuses for why I am failing and having to start over. I don't know if I am ready for a change to be able to commit and stick to something everyday but I'm willing to try. I need to figure out all the details but as of right now there are some goals I want to make.

GOALS:

1. Slim down

- Make exercise fun 

2. Strengthen my faith life

-Learn to thank God as well as asking for help

3. Become a good student

- Enough F's, I never used to get this much before

4. Stop insulting myself

- Positive Inside and Outside. 

5. Stop Swearing

- It doesn't make me look intelligent.

6. Stop Chewing my nails

-That just needs to stop haha

Now. I just need to think about my plan of action. For the exercise one, I know that I need to make a realistic goal. Otherwise I fail before I even start. There's another quote I love that says, "So the next time he sees me, he'll regret treating me wrong." This is EXACTLY what I want, I want to be able to live a life worth writing all over my Facebook so that if he ever looks at my page he can go WOW she really did move and and she looks good. I want to make him wish (even in the littlest voice at the very back corner of his mind) that he still had me. That's not the healthiest thing to be wishing or thinking but hey, he ruined happiness for me. Not only him but all those in my past. 

Doubts. Part of me strongly doubts that I will ever find someone that will mean as much to me as he did. I have a lot of regrets even though I keep telling myself that it was a one way relationship. He expected a lot from me, to uproot and just be with him. Isn't that exactly what I want for a relationship? I have such high standards that maybe no one will reach them, and I'll be all alone. I don't want to be alone. I want to love and be loved by someone. To get married and have a big family. I'm definitely scared that either no one will agree to my standards or I will make an exception and fall hard for a horrible relationship. I pray, I really do. It hasn't seemed to give me any answers though. I'm at a loss to where or who I'm supposed to be with. How can I be the perfect girl for someone if I don't have anyone willing to take a chance on me? 

Well I think I'm done venting. Time to read for ethics. I love you guys! 

xoxo-T

Someday, I'll achieve what I've always wanted...

&When all is said and done,
I won't give you the credit you thought 

you deserved.

life. Every so often I wish I lived someone else's life. So someone could deal with my struggles for me, I don't know how to fix what's broken because there is so much brokenness in my life. Yet, I can't seem to just not care about anybody. The only progress I've really made is the fact that I don't want to call or talk or text Jarrett anymore. It took him getting engaged to finally see that he moved on and now it's my turn. What if there's no moving on for me? What if that one person I'm meant to be with doesn't cross my path? Again, I am one of little faith. 

temptation. I'm not going to lie, I've been tempted to start losing weight by popping pills...which is a horrible thing for me to think about considering how many of my family member are hooked on pills. (Like I said, there's a LOT of brokenness in my family.) I just want to be at a healthy weight, I hate looking in mirrors and I ignore them. No matter what I look like a big fat cow. I'm so lazy too, like there's so much I want to do and get started but I'm so damn tired all the time. I want to make up a workout schedule and routine. I did go workout though, last night. I haven't worked out since Junior year of high school. So it was hard but I did 15 minutes on the cardio machine aka elliptical. I lifted some  weights to that was fun. The best part is that I wasn't sore today, just tired. Then again, I didn't go to sleep until after midnight. Bad move on my part. 

dreams, I want to lose weight, the healthy way. I want to meet someone who falls for me just as I fall for them. I want to try out for the Voice or American Idol but I want to lose weight first because no matter what it's a looks competition. By August, I want to fit into XL or Large clothes. That is my goal, it's not going to be easy at all. I want to do it though.

depression. I think I'm falling into another down phase, I'm starting to want to sleep more and I'm not participating or hanging out as much. In reality, I don't think I ever got out of a depression, I just think I oppressed the feelings and didn't think about them too much. As I spend more time in my room I realize that I am falling into that sadness again. I wanted to go outside for a walk in the sun today but instead I thought about everyone thinking I'm weird and I convinced myself not to...instead where did I go? To my bedroom of course and got on my computer. I really do NOTHING productive on my computer for hours on end. It's really ridiculous, I just want to move out with someone who's struggles are the same as mine and then we can use each other for reasons to exercise and we aren't by ourselves. That's what I'm doing but not til August, so until then I have to lose weight myself. I don't want to be sitting in my room all summer. I NEED to get out of this depression. I NEED to get away from home. I NEED to find someone who will not only support but encourage and join me. Life just upsets me sometimes. 

I THINK. I'm going to put a picture up and then close this post. I really have nothing else to say (or I do, but I am tired and don't want to type it all! ) 

Here's my Motivation Starting tonight, no more giving up. I'm envisioning success.
It's going to be a long trip...

From the Frontlines of a Raging War...

The war between Me & Myself.

beauty. I'd have to say I am one big hypocrite. I can stand up and tell you that you really are a beautiful person, inside and out, but yet I don't believe one word of it from anybody else. Sometimes I daydream on how life would be life if I changed certain insecurities. Example:

DAYDREAMS

REALITY

Seriously, I can sit for hours a day and day dream that I looked like the above picture. (The nice one) Anyways, since I was little I've never been a toothpick. Plus, I've always heard my mom say "You probably shouldn't eat that..." or my favorite, "Stop eating..." Well mother, little do you know that at school I only eat once a day. I will wait ALL DAY and then just eat supper. Those times that you see me eat and tell me to stop...it's probably my only meal of the day. Now I do love my mom, we've had a really come and go relationship but it is on a better route. Some people may think I'm very disrespectful of my mom and I am just a rebel child but you don't know the whole stories...so shut up. They don't know what I have been through with her, or what she has been through herself. The way I act, is how I've always acted and she does accept it. I'm treated the exact same way only behind closed doors. The one thing I'll never forget is how many broken promises I've been given in my lifetime. So much that anyone who promises anything now I don't get hyped up about it. It's even to the point where I find myself making promises I know I can't keep and that hurts me more than you could ever know. Anyways back to my original rant...my mom and a few other family member are all quick to judge, my mom used to always say we should go for a walk. Well, that always got me excited because I don't have the mental capability of being able to do this myself. I can't get into shape by myself. I"m afraid someone is going to kidnap me, or worse someone is going to judge me. I hate being judged, and I know a lot of people do it. I just don't want to be laughed at. When I think of going to the gym I'm always scared that someone is going to say, "wow, that fat girl is trying to get thin...she'll probably go eat a big mac after this." or "I never want to get that big, if I do, just kill me."  I've been so scared lately of being alone, and I know that if I don't love myself that I will never be capable of being able to love another person. I think I convinced myself that I can though. I find it so easy to love all the imperfections of my neighbors including my friends, I'm not a girl who makes friends with people that are less goodlooking than me because I'll look good. At the same time, I'm always jealous of my pretty friends..them and their boyfriends that they endlessly get or those even with a guy just pursuing them. I miss elementary school. When I was friends with all the boys & they were like big brothers, I could talk to them about ANYTHING...but who really has problems in elementary school?

self-esteem. If you couldn't tell by now...I have little to no self-esteem. It is very low, and all I believe are the bad things about myself. My mind is like this black hole with dark thoughts brewing all around. I'll tell you what I really believe about myself. -I am fat. I am ugly. I am a liar. I will never have someone love me. I will not succeed. There will not be another opportunity for success. I am a failure. I will always be used by people. Bad grades define that I am stupid. I can't live up to expectations. No one can understand why I am this way, because they assume. I'm a complainer. I want attention. I'm clingy. I'm pushy. - This list goes on & on & on. How can someone this low, still trick people into believing she's a-OK? Why, it just takes 18 years of practice and you can fool anybody. Even when someone questions my happiness...it takes maybe a few minutes but they are convinced. What sucks about that is when I get to my breaking point and say I'm done to someone they don't believe that anything's wrong OR they are offended because I lied to them. Why be weak if those who want me to be weak can't handle it? Why not just make everyone believe the best? It's a lonely world let me tell you.

dreams. I want to make a difference.  I just don't know how I'm going to make that difference if all I believe are the negatives, I fail before I end up trying. I need happiness...but I don't know what it is...or how to get it.
I want someone to prove to me that they won't hurt me. Someone who will stick by my side no matter how stubborn I am. Someone who will encourage me, 24/7 and will call me out on all of my bullshit and call me out on my excuses. Who will drag me to people that I don't want to see and get me help that I don't need. 


I need a break down. Complete and utter break down.

I'm done. The End.

Faith, Hope, Love

I believe that there is someone out there for everybody.

Someone who will love all of your flaws and everything that you

dislike about yourself.

Somedays, I still have to convince myself that its the same situation for me.

There's this boy...

Isn't that how every story starts once we reach a certain age where boys no longer have cooties? Instead of running away from the space they occupied, now we long to be breathing the same air with the one we are "crushing" on? Ahh yes, but back to the beginning.

So...there's this boy, 

let me explain. I am a Catholic girl, I love my faith even with how confused I get. I would not be christened into another religion if I was made too. While growing up I had a bad habit of falling for guys who didn't believe in the same things as I did. Somehow I convinced myself that it would work out even with the religion glitch. My longest relationship was with a guy who ironically hated Catholics. (& it lasted 2 years...hmmm) Anyways, since going back to Search (a catholic retreat for 16 yr olds through college) I have realized that I don't want any more guys who aren't proud of my religion. Instead I want a Catholic guy, one who was raised right. He doesn't have to be so involved in his faith, but at least believes what the church teaches. I really want someone to go to mass with, and discuss various church teachings. It'd be nice to have someone to go to adoration with and all the fun stuff. Plus, because of Search I realized that Catholic men are probably some of the most gentlemen-like guys out there. This last Search I went to I met this guy, & he set the bar high. Unfortunately he is taken, but that doesn't mean I can't want the same qualities he has. This guy blows my mind, we talk occasionally and no matter what I always find something else about him to like. I haven't really been attracted to many guys lately and I'm not sure why, they just seem so different from me. I do still get giddy when I talk to this guy though. I think I got over liking him though because he is in love with another girl.

Tonight, he gave me a good point. He said that I should love God with my whole heart and allow him to be like a spouse to me. Only then, will God point me to my physical spouse here on earth. It's true, I believe it. I just have such a hard time putting my trust into any kind of love relationship. All my life I've been constantly hurt by the ones I've loved. To give in and hand it all over to God? That's harder than doing brain surgery on myself. I do feel lonely though, my closest friends are either in serious relationships, engaged, or have a boy pursuing them. While I am on the sidelines. I think it's because of how I look, yeah I know, I know, I'm beautiful...blah, blah, blah. I'm sick of that, "You have an amazing personality anyone would be lucky to have you..." shut up. Just listen. I know I could be better in some areas the lack of interest of anybody else wanting to help me is the reason I don't change. I'm scared to do stuff by myself because the first time I get bad feedback I quit. I've never had a support system, I don't even know how one works. So to better myself, I can't do it by myself, I don't have that much control. Anyways I'm done ranting I think...I just had to get that all out.

Peace out Girl Scouts,
Tiff-xo 

I Walk Blindly

"I don't want a reason to be angry with God"
-A Walk to Remember

frustration. That is my main emotion right now. I don't understand all these obstacles I've been put through. I have no idea why nothing really goes as planned. I'm not as fortunate as some in my life, I feel so bad that I get so envious hearing about someone else's good fortune. Yes, God blesses me. I know I'm blessed that I have a roof over my head, food on the table, and a functioning family. I have such an envious heart...stone actually like a wall between myself & God. I don't like that, I want to be happy with a strong relationship...I'm not one to pray though. I used to...when I was in elementary school and CCD. I really don't know how I got to be so distant. I know the rape was part of it. Somedays I wonder if calling it a rape is over reacting. To be honest, I think I stopped believing a long time ago. 

past makes my future. As much as I say I'm over everything that happened in the past, I will never TRULY be over it. This is how I feel. That first relationship (if you could call it that) with Nick from New York, that would be one reason I am how I am. He scarred me with all the lies that were told, all the cheating that was done, and all the names (bitch, whore, slut, ...etc) that he used. I was only 15 and I thought that was love. Texts constantly everyday...calls all the time. Why didn't I see that he was crazy? Texting me multiple times if I didn't answer, calling me multiple times, leaving me messages crying. Every fight we had he'd flame up and say nasty things then call later and say "I love you please baby, I'm sorry. You are the only one I want in my life. Don't leave" he lied about having cancer, having a kid, having that kid die, having multiple girlfriends, being rich, having three cars, being on all these pro lacrosse teams. The list goes on and on, I was manipulated...completely destroyed. Promised him my heart, promised him I'd marry him...while he was copying and pasting his texts I was fooled into thinking I was the only one. That's not even the end of it. After I completely left him, & broke up with him...he'd text, call, everything saying he was going to kill himself unless I took him back. He cried, and tried manipulating me even more. I didn't ever catch on, but somehow I let him go. I was still so scarred though, I didn't notice it right away but once I tried looking for someone I noticed. Then there was multiple guys after that, that I would "fall for" tell them I loved them when I didn't then when they fell for me or lied to me it was over. I remember I would text nick from time to time still...what a mess that was. Then finally there was Jarrett from Missouri. First love of my life. Two years. He was 17 and I was 16, found each other on tagged and we talked constantly. We didn't have much in common, after all I was a Catholic girl and he didn't like catholics at all...said they were too proud. Plus he had a girlfriend. I had my phone taken away around the  time I had first talked to him but as soon as I got it back we started texting. We talked for a good two months. In those two months our text messages became longer, more serious. We talked about our plans for the future and what we liked in the opposite sex. I fell for him in those two months. He made me feel like I was the only girl in the world. He broke up with his girlfriend because he couldn't get me off his mind. October 9th, 2009 he told me he loved me. I knew he meant it...I loved him too. I knew that long distance didn't work but with him it was different. I knew that if we did last, I'd have to handle him going to basic for the Navy and then there were deployments but I was so sure we'd get through it. He helped me through my cousin's death. She was young and she was a part of my past, I had grown up with her and she was so pretty. It crushed me, & he was there as much as he could be while being so far away. We got so close...until December. Because of Nick I had become crazy I think, I would constantly look for signs of cheating or using. As much as I wanted to believe Jarrett was different, I couldn't help but look at his myspace (because THAT was popular then aha) and see all his female friends joking and what not. I would get so jealous if he mentioned he was hanging with one of the girls. Just trust issues, taking over. His one friend Kammie, he never told me about. She was always really flirty with him (he was a flirt too) it concerned me. Especially when I found out he dated her awhile back. I knew she still liked him. She was 14. Yeah, I was jealous of a girl my nephews age. She invited Jarrett to Christmas at her house and Jarrett doesn't celebrate Christmas, I knew that she had something up her sleeve ( I guess you could say) Lately Jarrett and I hadn't been getting along because I didn't trust him and I had been comparing him to Nick. ( I wasn't over it) So he broke up with me. After Christmas, he acted really weird. I found out that the day after he broke up with me, Kammie asked him out and he said yes. Talk about upsetting! So I was completely crushed and we had so many arguments after that. I felt bad because I made him feel like shit. He regretted what he did, but he said he couldn't hurt her. (Even though he hurt me! the one he "loved") They ended up going out for about a month. The events in that month were crazy. My aunt had a double heartattack on new years eve, not long after my sister was brought to the hospital preggo with my niece kaylynn. Jarrett was with Kammie. Mind you, we texted everyday and still said we loved each other. I was crushed and was texting him all that night that he was with Kammie, Kammie got jealous and her friend was getting pissed at Jealous. They knew something was up. Turns out he drove home cuz he got sick of that and wanted to talk to me. After that he & Kammie started having problems, she especially didn't like the idea of him in the Navy. She didn't want him to go to basic that August. (I fully supported his decision) Skipping over a few things, they ended up breaking up when she lied to him about another guy. (she didn't cheat, but wasn't honest about flirting with other guys) So it was me & him again. The second time around I didn't trust him at all, I was still crushed even though he promised he wouldn't do it again. I remember a phone call where we were talking about our future and I was so dismissive saying I don't want to think about the future let's focus on now. That hurt him. It seemed like since he hurt me I wanted to hurt him worse than what he did. I wanted him to feel that pain and I took it farther then I should've. We eventually got over it and fell back into love..where we had been not long before. Then August came faster then it should've. He had to go to basic. I still supported it but I didn't know how I would handle it. I remember crying over not being able to talk to him..since I talked to him pretty much 24/7. It was true love definitely. When he went to basic, we wrote letters. Which made him more real to me. (we had planned on meeting, but it never worked out) Gawsh...I was in love with him so much. 

But hey, I'll tell part two some other time...I'm EXTREMELY tired.

goodnight guys!

tiff-xo