I'm sorry,
I'll keep saying it because I keep messing up.
The only person who can help me get to where I'm supposed to be,
is the one who made me.
Days Like Today. To be honest, I absolutely hate days off. Especially when I have no appointments or gathering with friends. The day just becomes full of nothing and I'd rather sleep then be productive, which is EXACTLY what I did today. I let two FULL days pass without doing anything productive. Tomorrow, I go back to working and probably will be working for the rest of next week. That's not the problem though, it goes much deeper than that.
Unproductive. This can also describe my faith life right now. I'm not proud of where I am in my faith right now, I'm back to the same as last summer. I've missed mass 4 times in the past two months, that's a whole MONTH without church. I know there's a lot of catholics that don't go to church but hey, that's them, it isn't me. It's not like me at all, & I am starting to see how easy the excuses start to form. My faith is the most important thing to me, when no one else has been there, he has. It's taken me a lot of bad decisions to see that, but his mercy is so endless. I find it amazing with some of the testimonies I hear about how people found God and turned to him. I am kind of jealous because they have a testimony, I've known about God my whole life. I guess I can say I have my own testimony though because I have known about God, but yet I haven't known Him. At search I made commitments, and sadly when I found that paper today I wasn't keeping any of them anymore. So definitely starting that again . What I need to develop is daily conversation with God, instead of just in those moments where I'm stressed or afraid. That's better than nothing right? My point is that if every I tell myself that I'm doing enough, I'm not. There's always a chance to better myself. One thing that has stuck with me through all these years is what my youth director said in class one wednesday night. She said, "We are ALL called to be saints." Wouldn't that be something? If not a saint, I want to be remembered as caring, self-sacrificing, and one who truly shows the love of our Lord. Crazy huh? Challenge Accepted.
Growing Up. I say this because I am moving into my own place in August. August 1st, in fact. It scares me beyond belief that I will be out on my own. Wait a second, pause, rewind, play. Yes, I did say that it scares me that I will be on my own, when a year ago that's all I ever wanted. Moving out into an apartment is growing up for me, the fact I'm leaving my home to begin a new journey. See, moving in the dorms wouldn't have affected me that much because I'd be moving home after 8 months. This is an actual place! I will have to pay bills, cook food, be responsible for myself and not within 2 feet from my mom. She will be a thirty minute drive away, same with my dad. It scares the crap out of me. For once, I'm responsible for everything. Yeah, so I'm scared. Hopefully, I continue growing in my faith and attending mass with my mom. Make Sundays, bonding days. I'm not all scared though, I'm excited to be on my own. It will be nice to see where things go and finally learning what I haven't learned all these years. I've been growing up a lot this past year, being thrown into a lot of new things. Some were good experiences and some were bad experiences. I will have a roommate, which is my close friend, not recently though because of all this apartment drama, I hope that it won't be like this when we move in...but I have a gut feeling it's not all going to be rainbows and butterflies. Hey, there's no rainbows without rain right? My worry right now is the money, I have to work my ass off the rest of the summer. Like basically killing myself for money, I don't have Target anymore because I quit the highest paying job for a job that makes me happy. It's not a bad thing, I just wish happiness paid more. I've been praying that God make my path straight and that if this apartment is a beneficial thing then he will make it happen, so far it's been a green light. We shall see...
I'm not done but I am tired & I should be getting to bed because I have to work early with my dad tomorrow. So I'll close here.
I guess the last thing I have to say is, Maybe I should listen to my own advice...afterall
Truth Speaks when Faith Listens
God Bless & Good night all
