As One Door Closes...

Another One Opens....

How true. This could not be a more true statement in my life right now. Last week was such an emotional rollercoaster, let's put it this way; I've never been more happy for a Monday than I was this morning. I've been saying that all day. Last week was emotionally exhausting, beginning on Monday. It continued throughout the week. Talking to my counselor I realized that all the negativeness from early last week was the after effects of my re-processing that was taking place. 

Re-processing...? I better explain, I have been going to see a counselor on campus for about a year now. Since I decided to audition for the Voice in January, she suggested that I do EMDR- not for traumatic experiences but as a way to increase my confidence. She suggested this after she heard all my doubts behind my audition. Last Monday was my first day doing this EMDR, I did do this before with my other counselor but it didn't help me because I was still closed in and I didn't participate fully so it didn't help me. On Monday it was a completely different experience, I was fully open and vulnerable. Guess what happened? I re-processed all the rest of the day and beat myself up over all the negativeness I kept saying about myself. It was horrible and it continued through Tuesday too, so bad that I skipped my classes. Not the brightest mood  but I was over halfway to my first class and subconsciously turned around got into my car and started driving. I realized what was happening when I got to the stoplight, by that time I just kept going. 

Oh, but there's more. There was so much crap that happened last week that I'm happy it's Monday. There's some realizations that I have brought about myself to. (I will list them...in a numbered list later on) My main realization though is that some changes need to be made. They are all changes that I need to follow through with myself, for myself. I've made this decision because if I am going to keep recovering...I'm going to have to just go with the inevitable. In saying that, I'm going to have to do what's best for me and not do what everyone else wants me to do. That means I might be hurting those I love, but some of those people that I love are taking advantage of my generosity and I can't let that happen anymore. It's a big obstacle in co-dependency. Boundaries. Co-dependents are horrible with boundaries, hence my realizations. Speaking of which, I'm going to write those now.

A Time for Change: A Newer, Stronger, Better Version of Myself.

1. Chicago, Chicago, Chicago

- Figure out Cost 

- Figure out Funding

- Figure out Transportation

- Figure out Songs

2. No more Miss Wait Around

- This past week showed me who cares about my feelings

and who doesn't. Drop whoever doesn't.

- I don't have to be mean, but I can't base my life around those who 

aren't there for me

- Put myself first

3. Finish the semester with a bang

- Get CDW turned in. STAT

- Go to classes

- Finish papers, start last assignments

- Study guides for finals

- LEARN CHOIR MUSIC for Friday

This is where I'm ending, with what I have figured out, I'm starting with the waiver...I'm getting my choir teacher's done tonight. Wish me luck & God willing! Overall I've been through, I realize that God leads me into the light. I know he'll get me through this with the best people. My overall goal is to be in a helluva better place this time next year. Adieu!

Truth Speaks when Faith Listens,

I'm starting to listen ;)

LOVE 

me xo