As One Door Closes...

Another One Opens....

How true. This could not be a more true statement in my life right now. Last week was such an emotional rollercoaster, let's put it this way; I've never been more happy for a Monday than I was this morning. I've been saying that all day. Last week was emotionally exhausting, beginning on Monday. It continued throughout the week. Talking to my counselor I realized that all the negativeness from early last week was the after effects of my re-processing that was taking place. 

Re-processing...? I better explain, I have been going to see a counselor on campus for about a year now. Since I decided to audition for the Voice in January, she suggested that I do EMDR- not for traumatic experiences but as a way to increase my confidence. She suggested this after she heard all my doubts behind my audition. Last Monday was my first day doing this EMDR, I did do this before with my other counselor but it didn't help me because I was still closed in and I didn't participate fully so it didn't help me. On Monday it was a completely different experience, I was fully open and vulnerable. Guess what happened? I re-processed all the rest of the day and beat myself up over all the negativeness I kept saying about myself. It was horrible and it continued through Tuesday too, so bad that I skipped my classes. Not the brightest mood  but I was over halfway to my first class and subconsciously turned around got into my car and started driving. I realized what was happening when I got to the stoplight, by that time I just kept going. 

Oh, but there's more. There was so much crap that happened last week that I'm happy it's Monday. There's some realizations that I have brought about myself to. (I will list them...in a numbered list later on) My main realization though is that some changes need to be made. They are all changes that I need to follow through with myself, for myself. I've made this decision because if I am going to keep recovering...I'm going to have to just go with the inevitable. In saying that, I'm going to have to do what's best for me and not do what everyone else wants me to do. That means I might be hurting those I love, but some of those people that I love are taking advantage of my generosity and I can't let that happen anymore. It's a big obstacle in co-dependency. Boundaries. Co-dependents are horrible with boundaries, hence my realizations. Speaking of which, I'm going to write those now.

A Time for Change: A Newer, Stronger, Better Version of Myself.

1. Chicago, Chicago, Chicago

- Figure out Cost 

- Figure out Funding

- Figure out Transportation

- Figure out Songs

2. No more Miss Wait Around

- This past week showed me who cares about my feelings

and who doesn't. Drop whoever doesn't.

- I don't have to be mean, but I can't base my life around those who 

aren't there for me

- Put myself first

3. Finish the semester with a bang

- Get CDW turned in. STAT

- Go to classes

- Finish papers, start last assignments

- Study guides for finals

- LEARN CHOIR MUSIC for Friday

This is where I'm ending, with what I have figured out, I'm starting with the waiver...I'm getting my choir teacher's done tonight. Wish me luck & God willing! Overall I've been through, I realize that God leads me into the light. I know he'll get me through this with the best people. My overall goal is to be in a helluva better place this time next year. Adieu!

Truth Speaks when Faith Listens,

I'm starting to listen ;)

LOVE 

me xo

A Day for Giving Thanks

then why am I on the verge of crying?

Everything is changing. I mean, I knew that it wasn't going to be the same as past years, but wow! I didn't know that it was going to hurt me that badly. Looking back a year, everything was so different. Some things were great, others were horrible.The thing that hurt the most is that out of 23 people in my immediate family, barely half showed up for Thanksgiving. My heart aches for a family...I mean I know that we can't be together because of some legal stuff but we don't even try to be a family. I don't know what to do...I don't know how to react...how am I supposed to act when I don't even see one brother's family? Ironically, they live the closest to us.

Poor Poor Pitiful Me. The worst part of this is that I feel even worse because I feel bad....that I'm feeling bad. Does that make any sense? I feel like I'm being selfish because I want a family, instead of accepting that HEY! My family is messed up and it's THEIR fault that they don't want to fix it. Meanwhile, while I'm feeling sorry for myself there are people who don't even have PARENTS....much less ANY family. There are people that are going HUNGRY...and I'm over here on the verge of breaking down because of my little family problems. Please stop me if I'm getting overdramatic.

Wish List for Christmas? I was asked what I wanted for Christmas from my only brother that attended Thanksgiving, I told him that I really don't have a list. There was a lot of things I want, but the one thing that I want the most that I can't say out loud. What I want the most for Christmas is a Family. I don't want to go through another holiday where half of my family doesn't show up, this holiday was enough. I hate having to pick and choose sides, or even just acting dumb to why one of them can't be with us. I'm really getting sick of the inconsiderate people in my family. They don't understand that their ignorance is killing people...it's hurting people....it's hurting me. I'm getting fed up with the communication barrier between us all, I'm getting sick of having to hide how I really feel because I'm not involved....well indirectly I'm involved...and I'm about to raise hell. It hurts not being able to be a family, although I understand - it feels like I'm getting the short end of the stick. No call, just a text that said Happy Thanksgiving....how am I supposed to be thankful for a family that doesn't even get along? A family that doesn't even talk. Of course I feel like I have to fix it, but I know I can't....and for that I'm stuck in the middle not knowing where the hell to go from here. I know I need to pray....but I can't - I don't know how to pray. I can't dedicate myself to prayer...I feel like it won't work. Call me a hypocrite - I know I am. I just hate falling apart - I'm so impatient with God....all I can do is cry for help. This is my crying for help....I can't do this anymore.

 

I'm done now...I just had to vent before I blew up and did something that wouldn't help the situation at all. So those of you that read this...pray for me and most of all pray for family unity because I can't do this on my own. That's all.

oh yeah....Happy Thanksgiving



A Weekend Finding Love

What Love is This, That you gave your life

for me?

I am loved. This past weekend I got to go back to Valley City for a SEARCH retreat. If you know anything about me, you will know that Search weekends are something I look forward too. As in, the last one I went to before this November retreat was in April...and I almost died while waiting for this one because they were so far apart.

Never have I ever. Felt as loved as I did this weekend. I met so many wonderful people with a fire for God and the same beliefs as myself. Plus I got to see a lot of my favorite people who I didn't get to see for awhile. The thing about Search friendships is that they are solid because they are built with a strong foundation and that strong foundation is Christ. I strongly believe that those friendships built in Christ and that have Christ as the center are the best friendships. I haven't seen some of these people in months, maybe even a year! The great thing is that we pick up right where we left off, even over time.

In the Beginning. Yes, I was a little nervous for seeing everyone again. I always fool myself into thinking that no one misses me. Yes, my good friends are the exception. Even with my good friends, I always feel like maybe they aren't for me. Boy was I wrong on this weekend! As soon as I walked in, it was like I never left. Okay, so there were a few newer people but I still got along with them. My heart has never been so joyous as the moment I walked into the auditorium and saw everyone .My joy started as soon as we turned off the interstate and started descending the hill into what's known as Valley City.

Nervous? You bet! I was nervous for the new searchers, I didn't know any of them! Plus, I battle with what people think of me in general. It's the self-esteem issue...I'm not the healthiest or the prettiest but I'm me. Somehow someone always says something negative though and I believe every word. But this weekend I didn't hear anything negative, all I heard were positive reinforcements that I was beautiful. For the first time I felt great about myself! I have such wonderful friends and I got closer with a lot of my guy friends. They were the ones that kept saying I'm beautiful and all these compliments plus I got so many loving hugs this past weekend. Today I'm feeling the hug withdrawl...I miss them so much!

 

 

The biggest thing I learned this weekend is that I am beautiful and it's okay to be single. Someone will come into my life at the right time, until then I just need to keep growing & keep learning to love myself.

 

Until next time - It's true what I've been saying

Truth Speaks when Faith Listens.

Love you & God Bless

Tiffany