Sometimes I Feel Like a Child

;; Making mistakes, and being too naive toIt

learn from them.

Learning. There are days when I feel like I will never know enough to survive in the real world. What is the "real world" exactly? Is it being in your own place, with bills stacked ye high, and living paycheck to paycheck? I surely hope not. I'm nineteen with a lot of dreams but no motivation, I'm so scared of this "real world" but I'm also afraid of a short life. 

There are these moments like now where I'm just sitting and thinking. Thinking of what my life will be in twenty years, but having this feeling that I won't get there? Scary huh?

I think I'm just thinking of this right now because I just got done reading Summer Sisters by Judy Blume. The thing that shocked me the most was the character of Caitlin, she was such a free spirit but lied to out do her best friend. She ran from her fears, she ran when life got tough. I don't want to be like that. I don't think I have ever been one to run though, looking back on everything I've been through. Fighter. That's what I've been, I never asked for help though. I got through it myself, independence, you could say.

Counseling. So I have my second group session tomorrow, I'm not quite sure where to go from here. I mean I laid it all out for everyone last week. I made myself open and vulnerable to strangers. That was scary. A part of me is convinced that I don't need counseling anymore, but I know that is not true. I know that as soon as I got discharged, some life even would come knocking and I would forget all that I've known. In a fight or flight situation, I would still flee. I think this has a lot to do with my self-esteem and the way I perceive myself.

Body Image. This is the one thing I struggle with. It's also the one thing I never really bring up. I've never been thoroughly happy with who I am, I've always been bigger. I've never been the skinny one, that's why I never wore jeans in elementary school, because I couldn't fit them. It's just progressively went downhill, to where I am now. I think that's why I'm so sad all the time. I never want to go clothes shopping, I hate having to go to the plus size when the rest of the people I hang out with get all the cute clothes. I often feel like I'm a skinny girl trapped in this huge body, how much I crave wanting to go do something active but I can't because my body restricts me. I miss basketball, volleyball, and mostly softball. I'm lucky if I can jog for a minute. I don't want to be this way. Part of me has just given up on any hope of getting better, this truly is a disease. 

Someday. I'll be confident to chase my dreams, and follow through I will. Until then, I'll be here...trying to heal.