then why am I on the verge of crying?
Everything is changing. I mean, I knew that it wasn't going to be the same as past years, but wow! I didn't know that it was going to hurt me that badly. Looking back a year, everything was so different. Some things were great, others were horrible.The thing that hurt the most is that out of 23 people in my immediate family, barely half showed up for Thanksgiving. My heart aches for a family...I mean I know that we can't be together because of some legal stuff but we don't even try to be a family. I don't know what to do...I don't know how to react...how am I supposed to act when I don't even see one brother's family? Ironically, they live the closest to us.
Poor Poor Pitiful Me. The worst part of this is that I feel even worse because I feel bad....that I'm feeling bad. Does that make any sense? I feel like I'm being selfish because I want a family, instead of accepting that HEY! My family is messed up and it's THEIR fault that they don't want to fix it. Meanwhile, while I'm feeling sorry for myself there are people who don't even have PARENTS....much less ANY family. There are people that are going HUNGRY...and I'm over here on the verge of breaking down because of my little family problems. Please stop me if I'm getting overdramatic.
Wish List for Christmas? I was asked what I wanted for Christmas from my only brother that attended Thanksgiving, I told him that I really don't have a list. There was a lot of things I want, but the one thing that I want the most that I can't say out loud. What I want the most for Christmas is a Family. I don't want to go through another holiday where half of my family doesn't show up, this holiday was enough. I hate having to pick and choose sides, or even just acting dumb to why one of them can't be with us. I'm really getting sick of the inconsiderate people in my family. They don't understand that their ignorance is killing people...it's hurting people....it's hurting me. I'm getting fed up with the communication barrier between us all, I'm getting sick of having to hide how I really feel because I'm not involved....well indirectly I'm involved...and I'm about to raise hell. It hurts not being able to be a family, although I understand - it feels like I'm getting the short end of the stick. No call, just a text that said Happy Thanksgiving....how am I supposed to be thankful for a family that doesn't even get along? A family that doesn't even talk. Of course I feel like I have to fix it, but I know I can't....and for that I'm stuck in the middle not knowing where the hell to go from here. I know I need to pray....but I can't - I don't know how to pray. I can't dedicate myself to prayer...I feel like it won't work. Call me a hypocrite - I know I am. I just hate falling apart - I'm so impatient with God....all I can do is cry for help. This is my crying for help....I can't do this anymore.
I'm done now...I just had to vent before I blew up and did something that wouldn't help the situation at all. So those of you that read this...pray for me and most of all pray for family unity because I can't do this on my own. That's all.
oh yeah....Happy Thanksgiving
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