God, I'm looking for you,
God, I'm longing for you,
But I'll find you in the place I'm in.
-Find You On My Knees
Kari Jobe
Kari Jobe
I'm done. No more pity party for me, there's no reason for me to be unhappy, I want change and I have to make it myself. Starting today, no more...if people are using me then I need to cut them out of my life. After Chicago (blog post coming) I realized how amazing it feels to do something for myself. The freedom I felt when I was at the audition and the joy I experienced doing things I wanted to do. How long has it actually been since I've done something I wanted to do? Feels like a million years. Maybe not quite that long, but I always forget how good it feels. I now realize why I feel amazing when I go to Fargo by myself. Whenever I go to Fargo by myself, I feel like I'm leaving my life behind even for a couple hours. I'm not worrying about anything but myself. This needs to be incorporated more in my life. I'm not saying I'm going to be an outright witch to people because that's a complete 180 in the WRONG direction. Changes need to be made and no time is better than the present. Although this blog post is probably one of my bursts of confidence that will die out as soon as I press publish and walk outside...but I'm determined not to let that be the outcome.
2013: Change. To be honest, 2012 wasn't my best year...and neither was 2011. I let a lot of people into my life that just used me. I think I spent majority of those years worrying about others and serving them that I lost who I was. I realize how important those SEARCH retreats were, why I felt relieved going to one. The need...the need for a weekend with people that wouldn't ask of anything...but instead live with me and accept me for who I am. At that time I don't think I realized who I was...to this day I can't really tell you. However, 2013 is going to be the year I realize who I am and I start setting that in stone. This year has already been on a great start to this self-discovery. With the Chicago audition at the beginning of this month. On that trip I realized that I really am a small town girl, but I do know a few things about city living and I love traveling. The thing that I really took away from that trip is the importance of music in my life and how good I actually am. (No, I'm not getting a big headed. Those who know me and my insecurities will probably sigh loudly and say "Finally") Along with the realization of being a good singer, I realized how good I am at connecting with people. These are huge! Especially when thinking about my future career.
Bad habits. With changing, I need to face my bad habits and take care of them because they are holding me down. Not going to class, is one I'm guilty of now in this moment. I've been sitting at Caribou since 10am this morning because I skipped my two classes. Just simply didn't want to go to them. I haven't been unproductive, I actually did some reading for my Human Behavior class, and started an assignment for that class. It wouldn't be so bad if I didn't skip yesterday's classes too. Not entirely...my car didn't start until early afternoon and so I had no transportation to my first class and I could've made it to the second half of one of my classes and definitely made my last class. Instead I went out to my momma's to visit my nieces and stayed there. Spending. Yup, this is a huge one too. I'm absolutely horrible with money and I burn it faster than I get it. I honestly don't know how I've paid my bills. This is a problem...a big problem and I've promised myself so many times that I would get better but I never truly admitted that it was a problem. So now I am. This needs to change and I need to seek out help to make and maintain a budget. I need to establish wants from needs (which means getting rid of a lot). Eating and Not Eating. This is a big one....my overall goal is I want to lose weight...I have a picture on my computer of me in my junior year of highschool and I look good. I want that so bad...it's not just pressure of society to look a certain way, but it's because I'm really upset with how bad I've gotten. Health risk factor walking. I can't look in the mirror or at a scale...without crying. Then there's days where I won't eat anything at all...like I have to force myself to eat. (Not healthy, I know) I just like making excuses...I just wish I had someone to do it with me. I feel like I progress better when I know I'm not alone. (It's a scientific fact as well) Pleasing Others. I take this to the extreme all the time...I actually beat myself up if it makes someone else happy...even if it doesn't make them happy but just content. I could write a 300 + page book on how bad I am with pleasing others.
My point. I have a lot of changes to make, but they are for my own good. I figured I better make this blog worth reading since I haven't blogged in awhile. I'd love to start blogging on a regular basis but that means I'd have to not be ADHD and that's not going to happen anytime soon. I think it's about time I wrap this one up anyways. I need to actually get back to homework.
You know how to get ahold of me if you need me, if you don't just leave a comment. Until my next post, just keep in mind.
Truth Speaks when Faith Listens
-Tiffany xo
