&When all is said and done,
I won't give you the credit you thought
you deserved.
life. Every so often I wish I lived someone else's life. So someone could deal with my struggles for me, I don't know how to fix what's broken because there is so much brokenness in my life. Yet, I can't seem to just not care about anybody. The only progress I've really made is the fact that I don't want to call or talk or text Jarrett anymore. It took him getting engaged to finally see that he moved on and now it's my turn. What if there's no moving on for me? What if that one person I'm meant to be with doesn't cross my path? Again, I am one of little faith.
temptation. I'm not going to lie, I've been tempted to start losing weight by popping pills...which is a horrible thing for me to think about considering how many of my family member are hooked on pills. (Like I said, there's a LOT of brokenness in my family.) I just want to be at a healthy weight, I hate looking in mirrors and I ignore them. No matter what I look like a big fat cow. I'm so lazy too, like there's so much I want to do and get started but I'm so damn tired all the time. I want to make up a workout schedule and routine. I did go workout though, last night. I haven't worked out since Junior year of high school. So it was hard but I did 15 minutes on the cardio machine aka elliptical. I lifted some weights to that was fun. The best part is that I wasn't sore today, just tired. Then again, I didn't go to sleep until after midnight. Bad move on my part.
dreams, I want to lose weight, the healthy way. I want to meet someone who falls for me just as I fall for them. I want to try out for the Voice or American Idol but I want to lose weight first because no matter what it's a looks competition. By August, I want to fit into XL or Large clothes. That is my goal, it's not going to be easy at all. I want to do it though.
depression. I think I'm falling into another down phase, I'm starting to want to sleep more and I'm not participating or hanging out as much. In reality, I don't think I ever got out of a depression, I just think I oppressed the feelings and didn't think about them too much. As I spend more time in my room I realize that I am falling into that sadness again. I wanted to go outside for a walk in the sun today but instead I thought about everyone thinking I'm weird and I convinced myself not to...instead where did I go? To my bedroom of course and got on my computer. I really do NOTHING productive on my computer for hours on end. It's really ridiculous, I just want to move out with someone who's struggles are the same as mine and then we can use each other for reasons to exercise and we aren't by ourselves. That's what I'm doing but not til August, so until then I have to lose weight myself. I don't want to be sitting in my room all summer. I NEED to get out of this depression. I NEED to get away from home. I NEED to find someone who will not only support but encourage and join me. Life just upsets me sometimes.
I THINK. I'm going to put a picture up and then close this post. I really have nothing else to say (or I do, but I am tired and don't want to type it all! )
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Here's my Motivation Starting tonight, no more giving up. I'm envisioning success.
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Perseverance.
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