Someday, I'll achieve what I've always wanted...

&When all is said and done,
I won't give you the credit you thought 

you deserved.

life. Every so often I wish I lived someone else's life. So someone could deal with my struggles for me, I don't know how to fix what's broken because there is so much brokenness in my life. Yet, I can't seem to just not care about anybody. The only progress I've really made is the fact that I don't want to call or talk or text Jarrett anymore. It took him getting engaged to finally see that he moved on and now it's my turn. What if there's no moving on for me? What if that one person I'm meant to be with doesn't cross my path? Again, I am one of little faith. 

temptation. I'm not going to lie, I've been tempted to start losing weight by popping pills...which is a horrible thing for me to think about considering how many of my family member are hooked on pills. (Like I said, there's a LOT of brokenness in my family.) I just want to be at a healthy weight, I hate looking in mirrors and I ignore them. No matter what I look like a big fat cow. I'm so lazy too, like there's so much I want to do and get started but I'm so damn tired all the time. I want to make up a workout schedule and routine. I did go workout though, last night. I haven't worked out since Junior year of high school. So it was hard but I did 15 minutes on the cardio machine aka elliptical. I lifted some  weights to that was fun. The best part is that I wasn't sore today, just tired. Then again, I didn't go to sleep until after midnight. Bad move on my part. 

dreams, I want to lose weight, the healthy way. I want to meet someone who falls for me just as I fall for them. I want to try out for the Voice or American Idol but I want to lose weight first because no matter what it's a looks competition. By August, I want to fit into XL or Large clothes. That is my goal, it's not going to be easy at all. I want to do it though.

depression. I think I'm falling into another down phase, I'm starting to want to sleep more and I'm not participating or hanging out as much. In reality, I don't think I ever got out of a depression, I just think I oppressed the feelings and didn't think about them too much. As I spend more time in my room I realize that I am falling into that sadness again. I wanted to go outside for a walk in the sun today but instead I thought about everyone thinking I'm weird and I convinced myself not to...instead where did I go? To my bedroom of course and got on my computer. I really do NOTHING productive on my computer for hours on end. It's really ridiculous, I just want to move out with someone who's struggles are the same as mine and then we can use each other for reasons to exercise and we aren't by ourselves. That's what I'm doing but not til August, so until then I have to lose weight myself. I don't want to be sitting in my room all summer. I NEED to get out of this depression. I NEED to get away from home. I NEED to find someone who will not only support but encourage and join me. Life just upsets me sometimes. 

I THINK. I'm going to put a picture up and then close this post. I really have nothing else to say (or I do, but I am tired and don't want to type it all! ) 

Here's my Motivation Starting tonight, no more giving up. I'm envisioning success.
It's going to be a long trip...

From the Frontlines of a Raging War...

The war between Me & Myself.

beauty. I'd have to say I am one big hypocrite. I can stand up and tell you that you really are a beautiful person, inside and out, but yet I don't believe one word of it from anybody else. Sometimes I daydream on how life would be life if I changed certain insecurities. Example:

DAYDREAMS

REALITY

Seriously, I can sit for hours a day and day dream that I looked like the above picture. (The nice one) Anyways, since I was little I've never been a toothpick. Plus, I've always heard my mom say "You probably shouldn't eat that..." or my favorite, "Stop eating..." Well mother, little do you know that at school I only eat once a day. I will wait ALL DAY and then just eat supper. Those times that you see me eat and tell me to stop...it's probably my only meal of the day. Now I do love my mom, we've had a really come and go relationship but it is on a better route. Some people may think I'm very disrespectful of my mom and I am just a rebel child but you don't know the whole stories...so shut up. They don't know what I have been through with her, or what she has been through herself. The way I act, is how I've always acted and she does accept it. I'm treated the exact same way only behind closed doors. The one thing I'll never forget is how many broken promises I've been given in my lifetime. So much that anyone who promises anything now I don't get hyped up about it. It's even to the point where I find myself making promises I know I can't keep and that hurts me more than you could ever know. Anyways back to my original rant...my mom and a few other family member are all quick to judge, my mom used to always say we should go for a walk. Well, that always got me excited because I don't have the mental capability of being able to do this myself. I can't get into shape by myself. I"m afraid someone is going to kidnap me, or worse someone is going to judge me. I hate being judged, and I know a lot of people do it. I just don't want to be laughed at. When I think of going to the gym I'm always scared that someone is going to say, "wow, that fat girl is trying to get thin...she'll probably go eat a big mac after this." or "I never want to get that big, if I do, just kill me."  I've been so scared lately of being alone, and I know that if I don't love myself that I will never be capable of being able to love another person. I think I convinced myself that I can though. I find it so easy to love all the imperfections of my neighbors including my friends, I'm not a girl who makes friends with people that are less goodlooking than me because I'll look good. At the same time, I'm always jealous of my pretty friends..them and their boyfriends that they endlessly get or those even with a guy just pursuing them. I miss elementary school. When I was friends with all the boys & they were like big brothers, I could talk to them about ANYTHING...but who really has problems in elementary school?

self-esteem. If you couldn't tell by now...I have little to no self-esteem. It is very low, and all I believe are the bad things about myself. My mind is like this black hole with dark thoughts brewing all around. I'll tell you what I really believe about myself. -I am fat. I am ugly. I am a liar. I will never have someone love me. I will not succeed. There will not be another opportunity for success. I am a failure. I will always be used by people. Bad grades define that I am stupid. I can't live up to expectations. No one can understand why I am this way, because they assume. I'm a complainer. I want attention. I'm clingy. I'm pushy. - This list goes on & on & on. How can someone this low, still trick people into believing she's a-OK? Why, it just takes 18 years of practice and you can fool anybody. Even when someone questions my happiness...it takes maybe a few minutes but they are convinced. What sucks about that is when I get to my breaking point and say I'm done to someone they don't believe that anything's wrong OR they are offended because I lied to them. Why be weak if those who want me to be weak can't handle it? Why not just make everyone believe the best? It's a lonely world let me tell you.

dreams. I want to make a difference.  I just don't know how I'm going to make that difference if all I believe are the negatives, I fail before I end up trying. I need happiness...but I don't know what it is...or how to get it.
I want someone to prove to me that they won't hurt me. Someone who will stick by my side no matter how stubborn I am. Someone who will encourage me, 24/7 and will call me out on all of my bullshit and call me out on my excuses. Who will drag me to people that I don't want to see and get me help that I don't need. 


I need a break down. Complete and utter break down.

I'm done. The End.

Faith, Hope, Love

I believe that there is someone out there for everybody.

Someone who will love all of your flaws and everything that you

dislike about yourself.

Somedays, I still have to convince myself that its the same situation for me.

There's this boy...

Isn't that how every story starts once we reach a certain age where boys no longer have cooties? Instead of running away from the space they occupied, now we long to be breathing the same air with the one we are "crushing" on? Ahh yes, but back to the beginning.

So...there's this boy, 

let me explain. I am a Catholic girl, I love my faith even with how confused I get. I would not be christened into another religion if I was made too. While growing up I had a bad habit of falling for guys who didn't believe in the same things as I did. Somehow I convinced myself that it would work out even with the religion glitch. My longest relationship was with a guy who ironically hated Catholics. (& it lasted 2 years...hmmm) Anyways, since going back to Search (a catholic retreat for 16 yr olds through college) I have realized that I don't want any more guys who aren't proud of my religion. Instead I want a Catholic guy, one who was raised right. He doesn't have to be so involved in his faith, but at least believes what the church teaches. I really want someone to go to mass with, and discuss various church teachings. It'd be nice to have someone to go to adoration with and all the fun stuff. Plus, because of Search I realized that Catholic men are probably some of the most gentlemen-like guys out there. This last Search I went to I met this guy, & he set the bar high. Unfortunately he is taken, but that doesn't mean I can't want the same qualities he has. This guy blows my mind, we talk occasionally and no matter what I always find something else about him to like. I haven't really been attracted to many guys lately and I'm not sure why, they just seem so different from me. I do still get giddy when I talk to this guy though. I think I got over liking him though because he is in love with another girl.

Tonight, he gave me a good point. He said that I should love God with my whole heart and allow him to be like a spouse to me. Only then, will God point me to my physical spouse here on earth. It's true, I believe it. I just have such a hard time putting my trust into any kind of love relationship. All my life I've been constantly hurt by the ones I've loved. To give in and hand it all over to God? That's harder than doing brain surgery on myself. I do feel lonely though, my closest friends are either in serious relationships, engaged, or have a boy pursuing them. While I am on the sidelines. I think it's because of how I look, yeah I know, I know, I'm beautiful...blah, blah, blah. I'm sick of that, "You have an amazing personality anyone would be lucky to have you..." shut up. Just listen. I know I could be better in some areas the lack of interest of anybody else wanting to help me is the reason I don't change. I'm scared to do stuff by myself because the first time I get bad feedback I quit. I've never had a support system, I don't even know how one works. So to better myself, I can't do it by myself, I don't have that much control. Anyways I'm done ranting I think...I just had to get that all out.

Peace out Girl Scouts,
Tiff-xo