Wisdom from a 16 year old

Found this on my computer, thought I'd share it with you! Even at 16 I was wise.

16 Things I’ve Learned In 16 Years

16. It’s not all about me, there’s plenty of people that have it worse.

15. Don’t be afraid to admit that yes, I was wrong.

14. Respect your elders.

13. Always smile, you never know when someone might need it.

12. Just because everyone else made a mistake before you, doesn’t mean you have the same fate, in fact promise yourself that you won’t.

11. Everyday is a new day, a new beginning, a chance to start over.

10. Don’t dwell on the past, things should stay there after all they were the obstacles that only led you to this point.

09. Don’t take things too seriously, sometimes people get mad at something else and take it out on you.

08. Breathe often, Sometimes a break let’s you see things clearly when you come back.

07. Laugh loudly, have fun, everything doesn’t need to be serious all the time.

06. Sometimes it’s best to let someone go, if they don’t want to work it out.

05. Apologize when it’s your fault, don’t let pride stand in the way.

04. Believe your family, they wouldn’t lie to you.

03. Address problems in the early processes, don’t wait for them to get worse, also don’t try and solve them right after they happen it only escalates the hurt and anger.

02. Music is a great way to escape a chaotic life.

01. Be Yourself, all the time, don’t pretend to be someone your not because that person’s not worth it if your afraid to be yourself.

00. When it feels like your against the wall, that’s when you start realizing who’s worth it, and who never was.   

I Realize. I realize that some of these I can object to but otherwise it's pretty true. There's truth in all of it. Who knew I was as wise as this, at 16 I can make these up and write them down.

Hiding behind Make Up and a Fake Smile

how many people have you smiled at today?
did they smile back? if they did, how many 

actually meant it?

Make Believe. I bet I can make you believe that I'm absolutely fine. I'd be one of those people that if someone smiled at me, I'd give you the most genuine smile that you've ever seen. I would be one person that you would say, "Yeah, she definitely meant that smile" in reality though, I don't mean the smile. Or I just don't mean what the smile is supposed to mean. I am not happy, if you were to look closer you'd see the sadness in my eyes, sadness that I'd never be able to tell you about because there's just so much. I'm just making you believe that everything in my world is going right, there are no worries or troubles. Go ahead ask what's wrong and I'll say I'm absolutely fine, and give you another killer smile. You wouldn't even know that everytime I go to counseling I'm on the verge of tears. 

Truth Is. I'm afraid of crying, showing weakness, letting someone get close enough to have the ability to tear me apart. I'm afraid of failing out of college, not becoming a doctor. I dropped one class, and I am going to fail another...I will probably only get around 7 credits? Plus be on probation status for my financial aid and scholarships. I'm just scared that I might just fall to the pressure of proving my parents wrong and become the girl they've always been convinced I'd be; a failure. I can't handle that.
Goals? What goals? I was asked today to set some goals and plans to achieve those goals. I had goals: Graduate high school, go to college, go to medical school, become a doctor. Now that I've looked, I don't know if I can achieve everything I've set up. Talking to my counselor I realize that maybe I should set up short term goals and make action plans. So here's my assignment for myself. I'm going to make up a few goals and write action plans. They might be silly and unimportant to you, but I want to see if they will help me.
Beware. Some Elements WILL contain religious views.
1. Faith-wise: 
a. Go to Church the next month (especially throughout advent)
b. Go to Confession at least once before Christmas
c. Open my bible Sundays & pick a verse for my theme of the week.
d. Pray at least once a day, whether its morning, before/after meal, at night
e. Adoration at least once a month.
2. Relationship-wise:
a. Calmly talk about problems
b. Let people in
c. Give everyone a chance
4. Don't pre-judge
3. Family-wise:
a. Stop starting fights
b. Help out around the house more
4. School-wise
a. Go to all classes
b. Get passing grade on ALL finals
c. Next semester, Study.
5. Work-wise
a. Plan a solid work schedule
b. look into CNA jobs
6. Financially
a. Save
b. Start an Apartment Fund
c. Start a Travel Fund
7. For Me
a. say one thing that I love about myself daily
b. go for a walk
c. blog about my experiences.

Looks like I have a lot to do. I may be making a lot of goals but I figure, I'll work on it. Nothing is ever easy the first time. It's just like how babies learn to walk. First, we learn to roll over. Then, we crawl. Soon we are pulling ourselves up on furniture, then freely standing. It's always the first step that's the hardest and we may fall...but eventually we get the hang of it. Eventually, I'll be myself again. Until then...I guess I'll start at rolling over. (;

Faith. I don't have a strong sense of what I believe in, and I know I hardly believe in myself right now. I've been through a lot of negative experiences, some things that none of you would imagine me ever having experienced. I'm still alive though, I may not have it all together anymore but even though all the pieces of who I used to be are scattered around, I'm starting to find them. Slowly I'll find them all, I won't be able to put all the right pieces in the right place but I will be better than I've ever been. It's true, you can't love someone until you love yourself. I'm not going to subject anyone to a love that's not all there. So for right now, even though there are guys I'd love to be with, let's see if I can trust them, I'll wait until I find the one that won't run, or be easily pushed away. At this moment, I just need to find people that are going to support me...encourage me to keep my head up and moving forward because I am sick, this is an illness but I'm going to beat this depression. You can support me, but if you want to criticize, just leave me alone.

God, give me Strength.

Truth Speaks when Faith Listens

tiffxo

Sitting In a Coffee Shop.

small black coffee & blueberry muffin.

smile.

Male Gender. Does anyone truly understand the opposite gender? Men like: sports, cars, and building. Women like: Shopping, Coffee, and Romance. No, it's really not that clear cut. To be honest, I had a hard time coming up with the third thing women like. Shows you how much I have in common. Really though. I run into quite a few men in my life, ahh saying men is too flattering, I will call them boys. But rather, I run into a fair few working at a coffee shop and I must say they are the most confusing people ever. Especially the kind I end up falling for. My italicized print ^ is actually a regular "boy's" order. He's been coming in since before I started I think...but who knows. ANYWAYS. He's definitely a cutie, at first he used to come in with this other guy who was pretty attractive as well but he has a horrible personality so I never thought twice about him. This guy is shy, pretty darn shy I must say but that's what makes him attractive to me. This guy has seen me look my worst, like no makeup, hair's a mess, bags under my eyes & that's the say he made me smile. He doesn't come in very much but I've seen him here the last few days that I've worked. He has a green UND hat and his smile is so darn cute. I always see him in here either with his "ugly" friend, or he's drawing. I just wish I had more to say to him then just hey, how are you doing. I'm so outgoing but with guys I'm attracted to in person I'm so shy, I don't like it. So there's this other guy who is 4 years older than me and I know of him because of people I know personally. I'm told he's supposedly "married" but he NEVER wears a ring & so I'm thinking maybe there's a girlfriend. If there is a girl in the picture, I feel sorry for her. He's a flirt, majorly. I am the kind of girl that if a cute guy is flirting with me, I become speechless. See I've dealt with a lot of these "I know I'm hot" kind of guys. They are so used to just having girls fall all over them and become in love with them, I find that annoying. Him though, oh man...I had fun. I like insulting him and joking around...kicking him off his high horse when really I think he's the cutest thing ever..& I can't let him see that reaction. The more I kinda gave him shit the harder he tried to flirt like it was a challenge for him. I stayed late after work the night before because he was around but really I needed to get some gift cards and such. I joked and told him that hey, we close in three minutes & he was like you close in three minutes. I said nahh..I was done at 9:30. (it's now almost 10) So he goes on to say "oh you stayed to check me out huh? - I know you did" I told him that he shouldn't flatter himself and he goes on to say the same thing again. So finally I rolled my eyes and said "fine, I did stay an extra thirty minutes so I could stand there and check you out, happy?" he goes "don't worry, I was checking you out too..& I like what I see" I was like....whoa...wtf. I was so confused. I wanted to just like say really? oh my gosh! and like freak out, this wasn't the only thing he said to me that was of that kind of phrasing "i like you statements" he also said he liked my face that is was pretty and stuff like that....ugh! I don't know. I honestly think he's one of the cutest guys in the world, even if he's mucho older than me. I don't care. I just don't know how to take this kind of stuff...it's so hard I hate it. Now I sit here after work at my laptop while I hopelessly wait for him to walk through the door and make me smile again. Although I know that Caribou closes in an hour and he probably won't show up :/ hopeless. 

Family. I've been thinking a lot lately about my family. Thinking a lot about when my family was supportive, counting those moments when my parents outwardly stated they loved me and were proud of me. The sad thing is, that within my whole 18 years of life I can think of maybe 3 times. I never grew up as a child who's parents tucked her in every night and said I love you. My parents never once said that to me growing up. I was also under a strict household, sure I was the disciplinary in the house when it got down to it. I was really hard on myself, I still am. All I ever wanted was to make them proud of me. But I couldn't, no matter how many As I got, how much stuff I was in charge of, I grew up never making them proud. I was always doubted though. My parents would deny all of this if they read this, I know they would. It's true though. They've doubted my work ethic, always thought I was going to fail classes, told me that all my activites would tire me out and on & on. Like I said there's not many times in my life that I feel I made them happy. My graduation wasn't even important to them, my honor stoll, anything.They didn't even take pictures. There is no recollection of me even graduating besides my cap & gown. Damn, I just realized this. Then again, there's my diploma...but still. You think they'd be proud, but no sadly. Anyways, I suddenly lost my inspiration to write...so I guess this is what I will stop with.

remember : Truth Speaks when Faith Listens :)

tiffxo

Novel Unwritten

 I've come farther then you thought I would, achieved more than you could've asked for, and 

by far surpassed your expectations. Keep telling me I won't make it & I promise you I'll keep 

proving you wrong.

Truth Is. I am selfish, but inselfish. Make sense? I over think everything to the point that it stresses me out. I always care about everyone else to the point of their well being becomes more important than mine.  If ever I think I need to take care of myself, I feel like I'm the inconsiderate one. It's who I am, and probably who I will always be. Sad to say. If you've noticed, it's only 10 in the morning. & I'm already blogging about my day. I realize I haven't blogged in awhile. Man, there's a lot going on. Here I go.

Help. Today was my first counseling session, I don't even care if you guys know. I didn't know what to expect, I thought it was going to be a tearful session like my first session but it wasn't like that at all. I had to explain myself to someone else. Now that was hard, it wasn't as bad as the first time though. I have a lot of stories, every question provoked a story...haha this makes me think I really should write and publish a book. If you ever have the chance to speak to a counselor about your life. Certainly take it, having someone just sit with you and you can have THEM listen to you, you definitely learn a lot about yourself. I feel that when I talk to someone who especially doesn't know me I can show myself. With my counselor definitely. I like that I don't have to pretend I'm okay, I just fall apart man. I feel relieved.

I don't have much else to say, I'll write more tomorrow. Oh, btw; Last day of Kmart tomorrow....hell yea (:

If I Die Young.

They say trust is earned,
but if it has to be earned why do people fuck up & waste it anyways.

I Give Up. I'm done, I can't take this. I am hurt, but I'm done crying. You say you are always honest, then I found out you've been lying. I'm not that strong anymore. In fact, I don't even know how to write this. There is SO much on my mind. So many things I want to say to just a few people. I don't understand how life could go from getting better to going downhill. I don't know how my cousin can just hold in so much, I can't I'm so emotional lately. & The thought always exists. Who would miss me if I disappeared? I need an escape, with people I don't know. I need to just get up and leave, to a place where no one knows me.
My escape. I have this dream in my head. Somehow I get enough money to leave and I go to a place where no one knows me. I throw my phone out the window while driving and it shatters. I'm finally free. Just myself and the open road ahead. I stop in a small town, and I put down money for a couple months rent, until I can find a job and then earn money there. Then, while I'm working I take online classes. Sure, I won't be able to become a doctor but I can get a nursing degree & work up from there. If I start missing my family I call them on restricted. Of course I'll have to get a pay as you go phone. I would always call on restricted though, so no one could find out where I am. I don't want to be found.
Hold Up? So what's holding me back from my dream? Well, money. No matter what, I'm always behind. It's like I can't keep money in my hands. I get it & spend it like I'm going to lose it if I don't. I just want to get in my car and drive, not have to worry about gas. You know, this is the kind of mood that first made me start drinking. I don't want to drink, not anymore. It doesn't help me at all.

Ugh. you don't even know the struggles I'm going through right now. I just want someone to tell me I'm doing a good job, I want another to say they love me. I want someone to understand just by looking at me that I need help, I want someone to say "Hey, I want to help you. Don't worry there's NO possible way that you can push me away because no matter HOW stubborn you are, how much we fight, or how long you just sit in silence. I'm here for you." Of course I've heard versions of that before. From pretty much everyone I know, & guess what happened? EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM fucked me over. Yup. That's what happened! I have the worst taste in people I get close to. I'm so vulnerable, like a damn newborn. Depending on everyone to just not hurt me, then I'm surprised when they do. God, I feel so dumb. I don't know anymore what to say.
I'm going to bed.
I sing for a funeral tomorrow, that should be interesting in itself.
whatever I guess.
bye guys.

Love Me When I Don't Deserve It, Because That's When I Need It the Most.

One of the many things I've learned is that I am not strong enough.
I'm not strong enough to handle everything at once, but I am strong enough to get help.

I proved this today.

I did it. No, I'm not talking about sex. (mind OUT of the gutter guys) I'm talking about I got help. Remember when I said I called the counseling center? Well, today I just walked right up there. Actually, I don't know what brought me there. All I know is that I was walking right by McCannel & the snow was falling in my eyes, I ended up turning into the building and realized the counseling center was located in the building. I felt so dumb for just walking in there and not knowing how to get up there. I found the stairs though, and I climbed them. I reached the door and almost turned around. That wasn't the hard part, I wasn't at the counseling center yet. Once I reached that door I almost turned around, I felt happiness soar through my body, then I kept thinking..."I'm fine, I don't even feel sad or stressed...why go?"  I didn't listen though, I walked in and talked to the secretary. 

Truth is, even though I felt fine, once I sat down with someone it was hard to start talking. Once I started talking, I kept going. Why is it that you can hold something in for so long, and deal with it all these ways that you think are going to help... but it never does. It was hard, letting someone know about everything I had kept in...well for years. All that built in frustration, hurt, all the excuses, I have made for people, for myself. Yeah, I shed a few tears...actually quite a bit. The best relieving feeling was when the person I was talking to, looked me in the eye and said, "I'm Sorry." The first genuine apology I've had in awhile. 

Today is a stepping stone for me. I always though I was the strongest and that I can handle anything thrown my way. Truth is, I can handle anything thrown my way...but building it up and never talking about it, I defeat myself. 

That's it. I did it. I'm proud.

Maybe, I'm starting to listen to my own advice.

Remember guys,

Truth Speaks when Faith Listens

-tiff-xo

One's Mistake is Another One's Chance?

You have paved the way for me to realize:
Who I want, What I want, and What I will get.

Frustration. Well today I came to a conclusion that, no one will ever fully understand your point of view. Remember how I talked about my "second mom" well I'm pretty sure she never wants to speak to me again. (which now, I'm okay with) I made a stupid choice to bring up the situation with her son. How frustrated I am, she did NOT understand my side of the story and blew out of proportion everything I had said. She doesn't want to believe that I waited around for her son as he went and fooled with this girl and that girl. Yet, when I wanted to explore he got pissed off and completely wrote me off. She simply said, "you shouldn't have expected him to wait around." Okay, so I guess wanting the same behavior I gave is too much to ask. So I realized that I can't expect people to understand my viewpoint if they are defending the other side or they personally agree with the other side. 

Anger. Oh boy, today was just a fun filled day. 4:45 wake up, 5:30 opening at caribou. It wasn't so bad though, I miss the coffee shop badly. The atmosphere is just amazing, I miss the regulars, the co-workers, the aroma of brewed coffee & hot chocolate :) I'm so glad I am done with K-mart on the 22nd. Let me tell you was I EVER angry today. First off, I was sent to the deserted zone which is the mall entrance. NO ONE buys from there & yet I was put there coming on to a shift. Further more, we are only given $100 so when people pay with credit & debit you receive no cash. This lady comes and wants $50 in cash back. I had to BORROW money to give it too her. Then the next person, $40 cash back. Let's put it this way, I never had cash. This is a problem because I have to give $100 back to the supervisor for the house balance. (which needs to be even at ALL times.) So I owed $150. I didn't make that money until the very end, the last 5 minutes of my shift. People just are not good at sympathy nowadays. 

Holiday Cheer. At least today began and ended on a good note. I got to decorate Caribou in holiday wear today! Christmas season is around the corner! It was awesome to see all the workers together working on transforming the store. It is SO pretty :) I think just being with the people that you get along with is a blessing in itself, I am so glad that I made up my mind to just leave the stressful job behind for a job that I sincerely love. It has it's ups and downs but it is the best job I've ever had. I'm going to miss the extra $100 from kmart but you know what? I don't care. I plan on being a CNA sometime anyways :) I just need to get my act together in school & get the show on the road.

Summary. So today, I learned that no one fully understands your side of the story. They still believe what they want to. I realized that I am MUCH happier with life at my caribou job & can't wait for the 22nd. Also, I am really excited for Christmas season & being able to start giving to those who need it! Plus I am getting the courage to finally see & talk to someone about everything on my mind. Things are looking up. 

In all things, great & small.
I will thank God in all fullness
for creating & giving me them all (:

Remember!

Truth Speaks when Faith Listens

-tiff.xo

#I'msorryforpartying.

College. My title is the theme for this year. Surprisingly, I haven't been to any parties this year. I've drank sure, but it was usually with just a few people. It seems like this is all the students are doing this year, I feel bad for those that I know who have fallen into this trend. A lot of the people I went to elementary school and graduated high school with are now the definition of my title. Some of these people I am very shocked, they're the kind of people that said they wouldn't fall into the alcohol category  yet in the pictures they are tagged in, they appear to be under the influence OR there is alcohol present in the picture. I feel bad for them.
Love. Well, this one went down the tubes yesterday as I wrote about in my last blog entry. Surprising twist though, his mom texted me today. She asked me how I was doing & that hopefully I am doing alright, she also reminded me that I am not alone. She will always be there for me & if I need to talk to her I know how to reach her. WEIRD huh? I've always known her to hold her word though. I am strong enough to let him go, I think I was worried about talking to her after this was all said and done. I guess she read my mind and told me whats up. A part of me is snickering because as long as I talk to her, I'm still in his life. Most of me is dreading what he'll think though. I don't want any of his new girlfriends to have as much of a bond as I do with his mom. She means a lot to me, & to see someone else develop that kind of relationship with her would crush me more than he ever did. She is my motherly figure when things are really rough between my mom and I. The thing about Betty, is that she doesn't judge me. When I tell her about drinking and all these things that my mom would judge me about, she tells me what's up. She trusts me, which for someone I have never met, is quite a risky thing. In the past two years, I thank God for bringing Betty in my life. She's helped me through a lot and taught me a lot, I know she will always be there for me.
Life. So, I called the counseling center on campus today, no one answered but it's okay. I am taking baby steps...I actually called today. I'll probably try tomorrow and set up an appointment for Thursday. I need to speak with someone about all the chaos in my life, I need to find a straight path and follow it, enough getting distracted and taking this turn & that turn. I took the initiative to look up my classes for next semester already. Oh boy, I put all the hard classes in my schedule. I'll be taking Biology 151 & Lab, Chemistry 121 & Lab, Calculus (NOT looking forward to it), Psychology & Sociology. I'm excited for the psych & soc classes, the study of the brain and social interactions is something I've always been very interested in. Calculus I am not looking forward to whatsoever but it has to be done. I have to do it & I better just do it right now. Sophomore or Junior year I'll take anatomy! YAY! I get to memorize and look more in depth  about the physiology of the body. More doctor-like stuff. OH MY...today, I got a 105% on my speech. My speech teacher is known for being a stickler. He gave me a 100% plus 5 pts for dressing up. I am SO proud of myself. I've never thought of myself as a good speaker, his comments on my speech though made me sound like one of the best speakers in the class. He told me that I had a great speech topic and that he was very interested in learning more about it. The way I tied it into the interests of my peers was great, by providing an interesting attention giver. Plus he said I have great eye contact, my voice was at the right level and I looked calm while giving the speech. In reality, I was shaking & my mind was going a mile a minute. Its another factor that I've mastered, pretending I'm okay when in reality I am completely falling apart.
Anyways. I guess that's all on my mind right now, plus I have to get ready for work. UGH...there's a good topic about, but I'll save that for another time.


Always Remember: Truth Speaks when Faith Listens
Slowly, I'm following my own advice.

-tiff-xo 

Family. These aren't people you share the same blood with, or the same house. My definition of family are those that PROVE that they are truthful. They don't say promise something & then do the exact opposite, BEHIND your back...no, this is not family. They don't bring you down, doubt you, or belittle your every move. Sadly, with my definition of family...I can count all my "true" family members on one hand. I cannot describe how enraged I am one of the people I trusted the most. Then again, it's like I can't be mad at just her. She doesn't know the full story, but her actions oh boy she is just a bit*h. Sorry for my use of language. I realized venting this though, is better than confrontation....so please don't mind the language.

This isn't the only thing that has lead me to my standpoint on family, I've been constantly belittled throughout my life. I can thank my older siblings for that...because of their bad choices I'm now "to follow suit" as the saying goes. Thing is; I don't want to smoke, I don't want to do drugs, & I don't drink every damn day. Yes, I've tried alcohol & I was drinking a little bit here and there...but guess what? I had something bad happen to me so I stopped. I stopped...I haven't touched alcohol in two months, & I'm damn proud of myself. It doesn't matter if I don't do any of that stuff though, because by association I'm still on the failure list. 

These people are supposed to be the ones that are there for you, saying "Yes, you can do this, you WILL become a doctor" not the ones that if you tell them something private then they share to the whole family. I've never seen such a disgraceful people sometimes, but I know that if they weren't here tomorrow I'd miss the hell out of them. See, even though they've hurt me in the most uncountable ways, I would still see & remember everything good about them in their times of need. Does this make me too caring? I know I'm too caring. I still see the good in them, I still defend them.


My "blood" family, is the worst supporting family. They are never there, they never talk, they never say they love you and they always believe the worst. Tell them I got an A, oh cool. Tell them I was drinking, well she just wants to ruin her life.


thats my every day of my life!

Its alright. Ive moved on from it and i forgive you. Dont worry about it. Im sorry, but im with someone else now and to be honest even if i wasnt i doubt we would end up together. We just keep having the same problems every time we try. It doesnt seem to work no matter how much we try, i thought about this a few days after we stopped talking. So... Idk where you want to go from this but we cant be together. Im sorry. Im sorry i didnt answer you earlier, but ive been out to sea since oct 14th. Wont be back for another few days...

That's It. No goodbye, nothing. Like I meant nothing...two years and it never happened. Honestly, I feel like shit. I'm not going to hold back...I am crushed. This is why I don't believe in love. Much less the possibility of someone ACTUALLY caring for another's feelings. How does someone change so quickly, move on so damn fast. REALLY. This was not the guy I fell in love with...not even close. If it was, then honestly what the HELL did I ever see in him. I won't lie, I still thought that eventually I'd get back with him and marry him. He's the only one I wanted. 

My worst problem, how do you respond to something like that, pretending that it never affected you...how do you respond without letting on that you cried, you still are crying...without letting on the fact that you were dumb enough to think that you were going to end up together in the end. 

i should've known.

Okay, well nice knowing you. I hope you succeed in all you do & that this relationship goes well for you. I'll just let you be now, I'm sorry for all the trouble I have caused. I guess this is goodbye. That's all.  I like how harsh that message was though...but I fully understand. What's best for you is what's best for you, Haha, I guess I can't say I'll see you later but life goes on (:

There's my response. What I could come up with anyways...this is what he does to me. How can he ALWAYS have the last laugh, the happiness, and the last word? He always wins...& I'm left, always. I'm the one who runs back when it's too late. He's the reason I have trust issues. He tried fixing them, but he made them worse. How come we always remember the good things when the past relationship just screams "horrible" he left for one girl (4 years younger) then came back...did it again but cheated, then comes back. The moment you realize maybe you aren't ready for something serious, he gets mad....and then you stop talking only to find out that message above. Well...I guess I do wish him the best, happiness that I never gave him. I must be too caring if I can't even say I hate him...I must really love him if all I can say is that I wish him happiness....damn. He doesn't even know.

I usually write at times like this, usually songs & i thought I'd put what I have so far on here. Here you go:

I wake up in the morning with a tear-stained face,

I rinse with water so it can be erased,
another start to another day.
Everyone just smiles and says I'll be okay.

I read over and over what you sent,
I think I've got it memorized

you said you found someone new
& we'll never have another chance in your eyes.

I tried to read between the lines, 

but I couldn't understand you, 

it ended with "I'm sorry"
like you forgot everything I went through,

all for you.

I wish you the best, I wish you well.
I hope that life gives you blessings, 

and you never go through hell.
I hope you find someone, that's good for you.
Someone that's going to give you what you wanted,

and follow through.

I hope every wish you wish, upon a shooting star,

finds you in good keeping

wherever you are.

wherever you are.

There is what I have so far, we'll see if I finish it. I wish, I could become a singer...I have a feeling that my songs would reach out to more than just me. I mean, I write about stuff in my life, mostly boys (or just one mainly) but they provide GREAT inspirations. Thank you for letting me vent on & on about how frustrated he makes me. You just don't understand, or maybe you do...love sucks.

God. I know you are out there somewhere...I wish you would give me a sign, a sign that there is happiness on the way. I know that this was a sign that he wasn't the one for me & man, that sign hurt. Please, I ask just help me through this hell of a time. It's only through you that I can mean this sincerity and wish him the best. Just give me the strength to continue on, the wisdom to choose my decisions, peace to calm this stressful mind, and rest to begin each day with a smile. Amen.

Thanks Everyone for reading & REMEMBER:

Truth Speaks when Faith Listens

-tiff-xo.

;; we live by words we've heard,

words we say,

& words we would love to hear.

Here. This is where I begin. 

College. It's the big time now...every decision I make now affects more than just my GPA; the effects of my decisions affect my future. Not attending a class means: missing notes, which later means not being able to do my homework, which leads into failing that part on the quiz, which if not helped means failing a test. One test, just one test means that I'm now THAT much behind on where I should be. It's hard, but what an enjoyable journey.

Love. What is the meaning of this word? I have yet to experience it, maybe some people aren't lucky enough to feel this. I may be one. The closest I've come to love is my niece, that little girl is love. Love in the most innocent most beautiful way, the way she laughs and runs to me when she sees me then throws herself to the floor because she knows I'll catch her. That's the closest feeling of love I have ever experienced. I suppose there was a boy, keyword...was. It was pure, for a little while at least, but like all great romances there's a struggle. Only this struggle isn't one that was solved and overcome by the power of two, no this struggle led to fight after fight after fight. Then, there was nothing left. I'd be lying if I said I'm going to let it go, no one ever gives up on a first love. Maybe he did, but then of course that means I wasn't his first love. End of story, or only one to be continued? I'll keep you updated.

Work. I do this way to much. Work & Think, Think & Work. Two jobs is way to much for a college freshman to handle. This is especially true when one job is more stressful than school itself. Why do the ones with good leadership always get stuck in last place? I guess I'm just not leader material, even if my co-workers are already convinced that I am the better teacher. Something else I have to live with I guess. Why is it that I am working less hours at the job I thoroughly enjoy more and earn more money for a job that stresses me out and pays less? Sometimes I don't understand my non-sense. I guess that is why it's called non-sense.

Faith. There used to be a brightly burning candle, fed every Sunday...I slowly have let it to flicker, feeding it only enough to keep it dimly lit. Now I don't even know how to pray, I know his presence is still here, it's just harder to find. There's too much noise, too many mistakes, too many stumbles, I need an awakening. I guess singing isn't enough anymore, so if you believe...pray for me. Pray for the awakening I'm asking for. If I find him, maybe I'll find love, and then maybe I'll find myself again.

Myself. Why yes, how am I doing? Well...I'm living one day at a time. & Right now, Time is hell but I'm going to keep moving. In the meantime wish me luck.

Remember - Truth Speaks when Faith Listens

maybe someday I'll take my own advice.

tiff-xo.