Time for a Bit of Honesty

I have been honest from the start,

now it's time for actions to back up my words.

Starting point. There is so much that I would love to write about right now, that's part of being who I am, I always have so much to say. I guess that sucks for writing, I can't write it all at once because 1) It wouldn't make any sense 2) If you don't know me, then you would be absolutely lost and 3) This would be one long post that you would lose interest in. So, let's start with a little catching up shall we?

Timeline. Since the last time I blogged, which was about a month ago. (Give or Take)  I have had a lot of time to look at what I've overcome and want to change within this next year. Within my faith journey I am still struggling to get where exactly I'm supposed to be. I have since then missed a few more masses, and have yet to go to confession. This resulting in passing on the one true gift that would fulfill my dire need for my father's mercy and forgiveness. I've thought about this a lot, this is such a huge thing that I am losing out on. Even as I sit here and I am awestruck that I haven't gone to confession yet. I went to mass this morning because I was scheduled to sing at the 7:30am service. It was a bit weird to be singing since it has been a  full month since I last sang. It was so relieving though, singing alone helps me cope with a lot of stressful situations, but using my talent to praise the one who gave me my voice, seriously raises my spirit so much more. I feel that peace and true joy when I know I'm lifting his name up. A true love. The only thing holding me back was the fact that I was in a state of sin. After mass, I realized that I have to go to confession and I have been looking at the schedules and plan on going this week. 

Faith. Continuing on, I also came to realize what exactly I'm looking for in the opposite sex. First and foremost, I want him to be a man of God. I want him to strive to be the best man he can be and be fruitful with what God has given to him and what he expects from him. I want him to challenge me in my faith journey so that I can grow closer in communion with him and our Lord. I want him to be caring, that he would wish upon himself another's pain. I want him to be honest and trustworthy, but not the thrown around versions of the word. I want him to be loving and still have a sense of humor. I want him to be able to accept his mistakes and failures and be able to learn from them. I want him to be social, one who loves meeting new people and making connections with them, especially when it comes to my family. My family is very broken, I want him to accept that and accept them. I also want him to fully support me, be my best friend who listens without judging, offers advice without expectation, and who loves unconditionally. These are all high expectations I know, but I believe that when the time is right God will send him to me. There's a lot of brokenness in our world today, a lot of good men that have strayed away from the faith and the one truth. It may take awhile but I'm fully ready. I now accept the fact that I am never alone.  

Family. Well, these last two weeks my parents were on vacation and for about 80% of those two weeks they were actually at the lake. So during these two weeks I got a LOT of time to myself. I really enjoyed it to be honest, other than feeling a little lonely I loved being by myself. My relationship with my mom has grown an enormous amount since last summer around this time. A part of the mending was just realizing that she and I are one of the same. We're both caregivers who don't know how to stand up for what we want because we would rather make someone else happy so that we are happy. We are co-dependents.  I think that's what makes her a great mother. We've developed a new understanding and we communicate better, the fights haven't totally vanished but when they do come up we correct them faster. Not much else to really say about family except about the relationship with my mom.

Counseling. Recently, I had to part with my counselor that I was seeing for the past oh seven months. She was only an intern and her designated time at the UCC was up. It was a very sad experience, I mean, it was another goodbye to someone who knew everything about my struggles and weaknesses. She knew about my family and all those things that I keep quiet because I'm scared I'll be judged. I was transferred to someone new, who has had a lot of training with the schemas I've been working on and with to recognize. I am very much scared of this new chapter because it is someone I have to tell my story too again and be able to trust that they are looking out for my best interest. Trust, it's one of the hardest things to do in my life. Like I said about goodbyes, it's hard. I did meet my soon to be counselor and she seems very nice and easygoing, she reminds me of the counselor I had but with a few more years tucked under her belt. The biggest transition I made was starting to attend group counseling. Now here is where all the insecurities and excuses started showing up. My counselor, the one who is leaving, suggested that I start attending group so I can be with people that will give some input and help me with what I'm going through as well as for me to give input for them as well. We are talking about putting me with a bunch of strangers that I have never met before and having me tell them all those deep dark secrets that I keep inside because I don't want to be judged. (Talk about nerve racking) As much as I didn't want to do it, I knew that she knew me and she wouldn't put me out to dry on my own. Turns out she was right, I absolutely loved my first group session. She had challenged me to be absolutely honest and lay everything out on the table. I did just that, I have no idea where I got the strength to tell all these strangers what I'd been through, but I did it. For the first time in my life, I got positive feedback and my needs were MET. There was no ignoring of my true feelings, I didn't get insulted, and for once I wasn't told that I was just overreacting. WHAT A RELIEF. I even received a hug from one of the girls present. Turns out my story reached out and connected with her so much that she started crying with me. It was such an overwhelming feeling, but in a good way. I look forward to attending group now. People helping people, and that's exactly what I love doing.

Health. So tonight I was inspired by two shows that always seem to touch my heart every episode. Secret Millionaire and Extreme Makeover: Weight Loss Edition. Secret Millionaire inspires me every week because I see how many people are in need, right in my own back yard, I just want to reach out and help in any way I possibly can. In fact, I just saved a packet of various volunteer opportunities to my computer. I will definitely look into a few of these for this next year. If I am ever as successful as some of these millionaires are, I hope I invest and give money to those organizations in need. Now for the second show, Extreme makeover, AH! I'm obsessed, it wants me to work on myself and make me into a better person. It shows how hard work, determination, and setting goals can help you change your life. It makes me want to work out and see that process which, by the way, I'm starting. This past week I have been logging my meals and drinking at least 6 glasses of water a day. Tomorrow, I will try getting up at 7am for quick workouts as well as preparing my breakfasts for the next week. My mom has been buying more fruit and veggies. I have the motivation, new school year, new me. I'm a work in progress and I think it's the right time for change.

Well...I am absolutely exhausted & I am terribly in love with Jane by Design. haha

Goodnight & God Bless
Always remember,
Truth Speaks when Faith Listens.

Tiffany xo