was the moment I thought I could please everyone,
and still be Myself.
and still be Myself.
Let's be honest. I always thought that my purpose in life was to care for others. I got way ahead of myself and actually convinced myself that I could please everyone and still be who I am. In the mix of all the chaos I lost who I was in the first place. I didn't stop right away though, I threw the thought away and now here I am. Lost. So Who Am I? Or a better question, who WAS I? I guess the latter question doesn't matter because the past is the past.
Two weeks Left. Finals, then SUMMER! Although I am unsure where my education path is headed, I know that my #1 priority is to get re-admitted. Then focus, focus, focus.
Tangent. Here's what's been on my mind. I want to better myself fully, what's holding me back? Of course the fear of change, the fear that if I change for the better I will experience happiness and god-forbid that I get used to that happiness. There's my underlining fear of change. I realized this in a counseling session. I fear happiness. How silly that must be for all of you to read. It's 100% truth. The one thing I crave is the number one thing I am afraid of. Anyway...
Commitments. I'm sick of making them, but I want change so bad. There was this quote or saying I came across that says "If you are tired of starting over, then stop giving up." oh SOO much inspiration comes from that statement. There are NO excuses for why I am failing and having to start over. I don't know if I am ready for a change to be able to commit and stick to something everyday but I'm willing to try. I need to figure out all the details but as of right now there are some goals I want to make.
GOALS:
1. Slim down
- Make exercise fun
2. Strengthen my faith life
-Learn to thank God as well as asking for help
3. Become a good student
- Enough F's, I never used to get this much before
4. Stop insulting myself
- Positive Inside and Outside.
5. Stop Swearing
- It doesn't make me look intelligent.
6. Stop Chewing my nails
-That just needs to stop haha
Now. I just need to think about my plan of action. For the exercise one, I know that I need to make a realistic goal. Otherwise I fail before I even start. There's another quote I love that says, "So the next time he sees me, he'll regret treating me wrong." This is EXACTLY what I want, I want to be able to live a life worth writing all over my Facebook so that if he ever looks at my page he can go WOW she really did move and and she looks good. I want to make him wish (even in the littlest voice at the very back corner of his mind) that he still had me. That's not the healthiest thing to be wishing or thinking but hey, he ruined happiness for me. Not only him but all those in my past.
Doubts. Part of me strongly doubts that I will ever find someone that will mean as much to me as he did. I have a lot of regrets even though I keep telling myself that it was a one way relationship. He expected a lot from me, to uproot and just be with him. Isn't that exactly what I want for a relationship? I have such high standards that maybe no one will reach them, and I'll be all alone. I don't want to be alone. I want to love and be loved by someone. To get married and have a big family. I'm definitely scared that either no one will agree to my standards or I will make an exception and fall hard for a horrible relationship. I pray, I really do. It hasn't seemed to give me any answers though. I'm at a loss to where or who I'm supposed to be with. How can I be the perfect girl for someone if I don't have anyone willing to take a chance on me?
Well I think I'm done venting. Time to read for ethics. I love you guys!
xoxo-T
