I Walk Blindly

"I don't want a reason to be angry with God"
-A Walk to Remember

frustration. That is my main emotion right now. I don't understand all these obstacles I've been put through. I have no idea why nothing really goes as planned. I'm not as fortunate as some in my life, I feel so bad that I get so envious hearing about someone else's good fortune. Yes, God blesses me. I know I'm blessed that I have a roof over my head, food on the table, and a functioning family. I have such an envious heart...stone actually like a wall between myself & God. I don't like that, I want to be happy with a strong relationship...I'm not one to pray though. I used to...when I was in elementary school and CCD. I really don't know how I got to be so distant. I know the rape was part of it. Somedays I wonder if calling it a rape is over reacting. To be honest, I think I stopped believing a long time ago. 

past makes my future. As much as I say I'm over everything that happened in the past, I will never TRULY be over it. This is how I feel. That first relationship (if you could call it that) with Nick from New York, that would be one reason I am how I am. He scarred me with all the lies that were told, all the cheating that was done, and all the names (bitch, whore, slut, ...etc) that he used. I was only 15 and I thought that was love. Texts constantly everyday...calls all the time. Why didn't I see that he was crazy? Texting me multiple times if I didn't answer, calling me multiple times, leaving me messages crying. Every fight we had he'd flame up and say nasty things then call later and say "I love you please baby, I'm sorry. You are the only one I want in my life. Don't leave" he lied about having cancer, having a kid, having that kid die, having multiple girlfriends, being rich, having three cars, being on all these pro lacrosse teams. The list goes on and on, I was manipulated...completely destroyed. Promised him my heart, promised him I'd marry him...while he was copying and pasting his texts I was fooled into thinking I was the only one. That's not even the end of it. After I completely left him, & broke up with him...he'd text, call, everything saying he was going to kill himself unless I took him back. He cried, and tried manipulating me even more. I didn't ever catch on, but somehow I let him go. I was still so scarred though, I didn't notice it right away but once I tried looking for someone I noticed. Then there was multiple guys after that, that I would "fall for" tell them I loved them when I didn't then when they fell for me or lied to me it was over. I remember I would text nick from time to time still...what a mess that was. Then finally there was Jarrett from Missouri. First love of my life. Two years. He was 17 and I was 16, found each other on tagged and we talked constantly. We didn't have much in common, after all I was a Catholic girl and he didn't like catholics at all...said they were too proud. Plus he had a girlfriend. I had my phone taken away around the  time I had first talked to him but as soon as I got it back we started texting. We talked for a good two months. In those two months our text messages became longer, more serious. We talked about our plans for the future and what we liked in the opposite sex. I fell for him in those two months. He made me feel like I was the only girl in the world. He broke up with his girlfriend because he couldn't get me off his mind. October 9th, 2009 he told me he loved me. I knew he meant it...I loved him too. I knew that long distance didn't work but with him it was different. I knew that if we did last, I'd have to handle him going to basic for the Navy and then there were deployments but I was so sure we'd get through it. He helped me through my cousin's death. She was young and she was a part of my past, I had grown up with her and she was so pretty. It crushed me, & he was there as much as he could be while being so far away. We got so close...until December. Because of Nick I had become crazy I think, I would constantly look for signs of cheating or using. As much as I wanted to believe Jarrett was different, I couldn't help but look at his myspace (because THAT was popular then aha) and see all his female friends joking and what not. I would get so jealous if he mentioned he was hanging with one of the girls. Just trust issues, taking over. His one friend Kammie, he never told me about. She was always really flirty with him (he was a flirt too) it concerned me. Especially when I found out he dated her awhile back. I knew she still liked him. She was 14. Yeah, I was jealous of a girl my nephews age. She invited Jarrett to Christmas at her house and Jarrett doesn't celebrate Christmas, I knew that she had something up her sleeve ( I guess you could say) Lately Jarrett and I hadn't been getting along because I didn't trust him and I had been comparing him to Nick. ( I wasn't over it) So he broke up with me. After Christmas, he acted really weird. I found out that the day after he broke up with me, Kammie asked him out and he said yes. Talk about upsetting! So I was completely crushed and we had so many arguments after that. I felt bad because I made him feel like shit. He regretted what he did, but he said he couldn't hurt her. (Even though he hurt me! the one he "loved") They ended up going out for about a month. The events in that month were crazy. My aunt had a double heartattack on new years eve, not long after my sister was brought to the hospital preggo with my niece kaylynn. Jarrett was with Kammie. Mind you, we texted everyday and still said we loved each other. I was crushed and was texting him all that night that he was with Kammie, Kammie got jealous and her friend was getting pissed at Jealous. They knew something was up. Turns out he drove home cuz he got sick of that and wanted to talk to me. After that he & Kammie started having problems, she especially didn't like the idea of him in the Navy. She didn't want him to go to basic that August. (I fully supported his decision) Skipping over a few things, they ended up breaking up when she lied to him about another guy. (she didn't cheat, but wasn't honest about flirting with other guys) So it was me & him again. The second time around I didn't trust him at all, I was still crushed even though he promised he wouldn't do it again. I remember a phone call where we were talking about our future and I was so dismissive saying I don't want to think about the future let's focus on now. That hurt him. It seemed like since he hurt me I wanted to hurt him worse than what he did. I wanted him to feel that pain and I took it farther then I should've. We eventually got over it and fell back into love..where we had been not long before. Then August came faster then it should've. He had to go to basic. I still supported it but I didn't know how I would handle it. I remember crying over not being able to talk to him..since I talked to him pretty much 24/7. It was true love definitely. When he went to basic, we wrote letters. Which made him more real to me. (we had planned on meeting, but it never worked out) Gawsh...I was in love with him so much. 

But hey, I'll tell part two some other time...I'm EXTREMELY tired.

goodnight guys!

tiff-xo