A Quick Reflection Before I Forget...

Clothesline Project. I just wanted to stop and write a blog post on how I'm feeling at this very moment. I just stopped by an event on campus called the Clothesline Project. It is a collection of different colored shirts that are placed on clotheslines. These shirts are from victims, survivors, both adults and children who've witnessed abuse of any kind. This could range from physical to emotional to sexual. The colors of the shirts represent who they are and what they went through. An example would be a white shirt, which is symbolizing someone who was killed because of the abuse against them.
A bit of background, I've known about this event since I was a freshman at Central because they would take us in our Family & Consumer Sciences classes. So, what I felt back then is nothing compared to what I feel now going through it.Today was the second time I stopped through to look at the shirts I didn't get a chance to look at yesterday during our lab. Back in high school when I looked through these shirts I was shocked to see how much this actually happened and I praised those who were able to make shirts and stick it to the people that did this to them. Back then, I couldn't fathom how much hurt this caused. Today, it's a different story.
Today, I understand their pain. I live their pain. The truth is that so many people do. I know what it's like to not trust people, especially guys in my situation. I know what it's like to see that person and not know what to say but inside you are screaming "Please apologize! Don't you know what you did?" That just being my point. He took my innocence, although he didn't take it all...he took a piece of me that I can't get back. He made me feel like I was dirty and I was ashamed. That's not what you are supposed to feel. You can say I deserved it, he was the first guy I ever kissed or even made out with. He was not the person I would've chosen for this, but he was selfish and he just took what he wanted. I was drunk and blacking in and out, I couldn't vocalize no, and to him and others that means I wanted it. I didn't. After it was done I curled up into a ball and couldn't sleep. I prayed that no one would be mad at me. I shut myself off from the world and left as soon as it was a decent time. Shame is not a normal and okay feeling.
After this happened I realized the importance of sex. Why it's not to be used and thrown around like some toy. Now here's a caution, I'm not using this to judge anyone. This is it's importance to me. I don't judge others, whatsoever. Because who am I to cast the first stone? I'm not without sin. Sex is now something that has so much value that I have closed myself off to letting it happen. Granted, it's not like I have so many situations where I have to chose or what not. Still, I have a whole new outlook on what it means to me. I understand more now that I've been through this traumatic experience, about the importance of waiting for the one you want to marry. Someday, I do want to marry. I have to let go of this first.
As much as I say I'm over it, obviously I'm not. Those emotions that came up during the clothesline project? Those are still raw emotions. I was about to cry...tears of pain. On a good note though, I'm proud of those men, women, and children who were able to make those shirts & I hope they are doing well on their recovery. I plan on doing a shirt, in time.

God, please wrap your loving arms and surround me with your understanding.

I pray that you take all these negative emotions of hate and pain away and 

renew in me your forgiveness and patience.

Remind me that you are in charge of it all, and you can help me through this.

Through the intercession of our most Holy Mother Mary.

I pray.

Thank you Jesus. I love you.

Truth will be speaking, when I grab hold of my faith and listen.

Tiff xo