From the Frontlines of a Raging War...

The war between Me & Myself.

beauty. I'd have to say I am one big hypocrite. I can stand up and tell you that you really are a beautiful person, inside and out, but yet I don't believe one word of it from anybody else. Sometimes I daydream on how life would be life if I changed certain insecurities. Example:

DAYDREAMS

REALITY

Seriously, I can sit for hours a day and day dream that I looked like the above picture. (The nice one) Anyways, since I was little I've never been a toothpick. Plus, I've always heard my mom say "You probably shouldn't eat that..." or my favorite, "Stop eating..." Well mother, little do you know that at school I only eat once a day. I will wait ALL DAY and then just eat supper. Those times that you see me eat and tell me to stop...it's probably my only meal of the day. Now I do love my mom, we've had a really come and go relationship but it is on a better route. Some people may think I'm very disrespectful of my mom and I am just a rebel child but you don't know the whole stories...so shut up. They don't know what I have been through with her, or what she has been through herself. The way I act, is how I've always acted and she does accept it. I'm treated the exact same way only behind closed doors. The one thing I'll never forget is how many broken promises I've been given in my lifetime. So much that anyone who promises anything now I don't get hyped up about it. It's even to the point where I find myself making promises I know I can't keep and that hurts me more than you could ever know. Anyways back to my original rant...my mom and a few other family member are all quick to judge, my mom used to always say we should go for a walk. Well, that always got me excited because I don't have the mental capability of being able to do this myself. I can't get into shape by myself. I"m afraid someone is going to kidnap me, or worse someone is going to judge me. I hate being judged, and I know a lot of people do it. I just don't want to be laughed at. When I think of going to the gym I'm always scared that someone is going to say, "wow, that fat girl is trying to get thin...she'll probably go eat a big mac after this." or "I never want to get that big, if I do, just kill me."  I've been so scared lately of being alone, and I know that if I don't love myself that I will never be capable of being able to love another person. I think I convinced myself that I can though. I find it so easy to love all the imperfections of my neighbors including my friends, I'm not a girl who makes friends with people that are less goodlooking than me because I'll look good. At the same time, I'm always jealous of my pretty friends..them and their boyfriends that they endlessly get or those even with a guy just pursuing them. I miss elementary school. When I was friends with all the boys & they were like big brothers, I could talk to them about ANYTHING...but who really has problems in elementary school?

self-esteem. If you couldn't tell by now...I have little to no self-esteem. It is very low, and all I believe are the bad things about myself. My mind is like this black hole with dark thoughts brewing all around. I'll tell you what I really believe about myself. -I am fat. I am ugly. I am a liar. I will never have someone love me. I will not succeed. There will not be another opportunity for success. I am a failure. I will always be used by people. Bad grades define that I am stupid. I can't live up to expectations. No one can understand why I am this way, because they assume. I'm a complainer. I want attention. I'm clingy. I'm pushy. - This list goes on & on & on. How can someone this low, still trick people into believing she's a-OK? Why, it just takes 18 years of practice and you can fool anybody. Even when someone questions my happiness...it takes maybe a few minutes but they are convinced. What sucks about that is when I get to my breaking point and say I'm done to someone they don't believe that anything's wrong OR they are offended because I lied to them. Why be weak if those who want me to be weak can't handle it? Why not just make everyone believe the best? It's a lonely world let me tell you.

dreams. I want to make a difference.  I just don't know how I'm going to make that difference if all I believe are the negatives, I fail before I end up trying. I need happiness...but I don't know what it is...or how to get it.
I want someone to prove to me that they won't hurt me. Someone who will stick by my side no matter how stubborn I am. Someone who will encourage me, 24/7 and will call me out on all of my bullshit and call me out on my excuses. Who will drag me to people that I don't want to see and get me help that I don't need. 


I need a break down. Complete and utter break down.

I'm done. The End.