Faith, Hope, Love

I believe that there is someone out there for everybody.

Someone who will love all of your flaws and everything that you

dislike about yourself.

Somedays, I still have to convince myself that its the same situation for me.

There's this boy...

Isn't that how every story starts once we reach a certain age where boys no longer have cooties? Instead of running away from the space they occupied, now we long to be breathing the same air with the one we are "crushing" on? Ahh yes, but back to the beginning.

So...there's this boy, 

let me explain. I am a Catholic girl, I love my faith even with how confused I get. I would not be christened into another religion if I was made too. While growing up I had a bad habit of falling for guys who didn't believe in the same things as I did. Somehow I convinced myself that it would work out even with the religion glitch. My longest relationship was with a guy who ironically hated Catholics. (& it lasted 2 years...hmmm) Anyways, since going back to Search (a catholic retreat for 16 yr olds through college) I have realized that I don't want any more guys who aren't proud of my religion. Instead I want a Catholic guy, one who was raised right. He doesn't have to be so involved in his faith, but at least believes what the church teaches. I really want someone to go to mass with, and discuss various church teachings. It'd be nice to have someone to go to adoration with and all the fun stuff. Plus, because of Search I realized that Catholic men are probably some of the most gentlemen-like guys out there. This last Search I went to I met this guy, & he set the bar high. Unfortunately he is taken, but that doesn't mean I can't want the same qualities he has. This guy blows my mind, we talk occasionally and no matter what I always find something else about him to like. I haven't really been attracted to many guys lately and I'm not sure why, they just seem so different from me. I do still get giddy when I talk to this guy though. I think I got over liking him though because he is in love with another girl.

Tonight, he gave me a good point. He said that I should love God with my whole heart and allow him to be like a spouse to me. Only then, will God point me to my physical spouse here on earth. It's true, I believe it. I just have such a hard time putting my trust into any kind of love relationship. All my life I've been constantly hurt by the ones I've loved. To give in and hand it all over to God? That's harder than doing brain surgery on myself. I do feel lonely though, my closest friends are either in serious relationships, engaged, or have a boy pursuing them. While I am on the sidelines. I think it's because of how I look, yeah I know, I know, I'm beautiful...blah, blah, blah. I'm sick of that, "You have an amazing personality anyone would be lucky to have you..." shut up. Just listen. I know I could be better in some areas the lack of interest of anybody else wanting to help me is the reason I don't change. I'm scared to do stuff by myself because the first time I get bad feedback I quit. I've never had a support system, I don't even know how one works. So to better myself, I can't do it by myself, I don't have that much control. Anyways I'm done ranting I think...I just had to get that all out.

Peace out Girl Scouts,
Tiff-xo