If I Die Young.

They say trust is earned,
but if it has to be earned why do people fuck up & waste it anyways.

I Give Up. I'm done, I can't take this. I am hurt, but I'm done crying. You say you are always honest, then I found out you've been lying. I'm not that strong anymore. In fact, I don't even know how to write this. There is SO much on my mind. So many things I want to say to just a few people. I don't understand how life could go from getting better to going downhill. I don't know how my cousin can just hold in so much, I can't I'm so emotional lately. & The thought always exists. Who would miss me if I disappeared? I need an escape, with people I don't know. I need to just get up and leave, to a place where no one knows me.
My escape. I have this dream in my head. Somehow I get enough money to leave and I go to a place where no one knows me. I throw my phone out the window while driving and it shatters. I'm finally free. Just myself and the open road ahead. I stop in a small town, and I put down money for a couple months rent, until I can find a job and then earn money there. Then, while I'm working I take online classes. Sure, I won't be able to become a doctor but I can get a nursing degree & work up from there. If I start missing my family I call them on restricted. Of course I'll have to get a pay as you go phone. I would always call on restricted though, so no one could find out where I am. I don't want to be found.
Hold Up? So what's holding me back from my dream? Well, money. No matter what, I'm always behind. It's like I can't keep money in my hands. I get it & spend it like I'm going to lose it if I don't. I just want to get in my car and drive, not have to worry about gas. You know, this is the kind of mood that first made me start drinking. I don't want to drink, not anymore. It doesn't help me at all.

Ugh. you don't even know the struggles I'm going through right now. I just want someone to tell me I'm doing a good job, I want another to say they love me. I want someone to understand just by looking at me that I need help, I want someone to say "Hey, I want to help you. Don't worry there's NO possible way that you can push me away because no matter HOW stubborn you are, how much we fight, or how long you just sit in silence. I'm here for you." Of course I've heard versions of that before. From pretty much everyone I know, & guess what happened? EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM fucked me over. Yup. That's what happened! I have the worst taste in people I get close to. I'm so vulnerable, like a damn newborn. Depending on everyone to just not hurt me, then I'm surprised when they do. God, I feel so dumb. I don't know anymore what to say.
I'm going to bed.
I sing for a funeral tomorrow, that should be interesting in itself.
whatever I guess.
bye guys.