how many people have you smiled at today?
did they smile back? if they did, how many
did they smile back? if they did, how many
actually meant it?
Make Believe. I bet I can make you believe that I'm absolutely fine. I'd be one of those people that if someone smiled at me, I'd give you the most genuine smile that you've ever seen. I would be one person that you would say, "Yeah, she definitely meant that smile" in reality though, I don't mean the smile. Or I just don't mean what the smile is supposed to mean. I am not happy, if you were to look closer you'd see the sadness in my eyes, sadness that I'd never be able to tell you about because there's just so much. I'm just making you believe that everything in my world is going right, there are no worries or troubles. Go ahead ask what's wrong and I'll say I'm absolutely fine, and give you another killer smile. You wouldn't even know that everytime I go to counseling I'm on the verge of tears.
Truth Is. I'm afraid of crying, showing weakness, letting someone get close enough to have the ability to tear me apart. I'm afraid of failing out of college, not becoming a doctor. I dropped one class, and I am going to fail another...I will probably only get around 7 credits? Plus be on probation status for my financial aid and scholarships. I'm just scared that I might just fall to the pressure of proving my parents wrong and become the girl they've always been convinced I'd be; a failure. I can't handle that.
Goals? What goals? I was asked today to set some goals and plans to achieve those goals. I had goals: Graduate high school, go to college, go to medical school, become a doctor. Now that I've looked, I don't know if I can achieve everything I've set up. Talking to my counselor I realize that maybe I should set up short term goals and make action plans. So here's my assignment for myself. I'm going to make up a few goals and write action plans. They might be silly and unimportant to you, but I want to see if they will help me.
Beware. Some Elements WILL contain religious views.
1. Faith-wise:
a. Go to Church the next month (especially throughout advent)
b. Go to Confession at least once before Christmas
c. Open my bible Sundays & pick a verse for my theme of the week.
d. Pray at least once a day, whether its morning, before/after meal, at night
e. Adoration at least once a month.
2. Relationship-wise:
a. Calmly talk about problems
b. Let people in
c. Give everyone a chance
4. Don't pre-judge
3. Family-wise:
a. Stop starting fights
b. Help out around the house more
4. School-wise
a. Go to all classes
b. Get passing grade on ALL finals
c. Next semester, Study.
5. Work-wise
a. Plan a solid work schedule
b. look into CNA jobs
6. Financially
a. Save
b. Start an Apartment Fund
c. Start a Travel Fund
7. For Me
a. say one thing that I love about myself daily
b. go for a walk
c. blog about my experiences.
Looks like I have a lot to do. I may be making a lot of goals but I figure, I'll work on it. Nothing is ever easy the first time. It's just like how babies learn to walk. First, we learn to roll over. Then, we crawl. Soon we are pulling ourselves up on furniture, then freely standing. It's always the first step that's the hardest and we may fall...but eventually we get the hang of it. Eventually, I'll be myself again. Until then...I guess I'll start at rolling over. (;
Faith. I don't have a strong sense of what I believe in, and I know I hardly believe in myself right now. I've been through a lot of negative experiences, some things that none of you would imagine me ever having experienced. I'm still alive though, I may not have it all together anymore but even though all the pieces of who I used to be are scattered around, I'm starting to find them. Slowly I'll find them all, I won't be able to put all the right pieces in the right place but I will be better than I've ever been. It's true, you can't love someone until you love yourself. I'm not going to subject anyone to a love that's not all there. So for right now, even though there are guys I'd love to be with, let's see if I can trust them, I'll wait until I find the one that won't run, or be easily pushed away. At this moment, I just need to find people that are going to support me...encourage me to keep my head up and moving forward because I am sick, this is an illness but I'm going to beat this depression. You can support me, but if you want to criticize, just leave me alone.
Goals? What goals? I was asked today to set some goals and plans to achieve those goals. I had goals: Graduate high school, go to college, go to medical school, become a doctor. Now that I've looked, I don't know if I can achieve everything I've set up. Talking to my counselor I realize that maybe I should set up short term goals and make action plans. So here's my assignment for myself. I'm going to make up a few goals and write action plans. They might be silly and unimportant to you, but I want to see if they will help me.
Beware. Some Elements WILL contain religious views.
1. Faith-wise:
a. Go to Church the next month (especially throughout advent)
b. Go to Confession at least once before Christmas
c. Open my bible Sundays & pick a verse for my theme of the week.
d. Pray at least once a day, whether its morning, before/after meal, at night
e. Adoration at least once a month.
2. Relationship-wise:
a. Calmly talk about problems
b. Let people in
c. Give everyone a chance
4. Don't pre-judge
3. Family-wise:
a. Stop starting fights
b. Help out around the house more
4. School-wise
a. Go to all classes
b. Get passing grade on ALL finals
c. Next semester, Study.
5. Work-wise
a. Plan a solid work schedule
b. look into CNA jobs
6. Financially
a. Save
b. Start an Apartment Fund
c. Start a Travel Fund
7. For Me
a. say one thing that I love about myself daily
b. go for a walk
c. blog about my experiences.
Looks like I have a lot to do. I may be making a lot of goals but I figure, I'll work on it. Nothing is ever easy the first time. It's just like how babies learn to walk. First, we learn to roll over. Then, we crawl. Soon we are pulling ourselves up on furniture, then freely standing. It's always the first step that's the hardest and we may fall...but eventually we get the hang of it. Eventually, I'll be myself again. Until then...I guess I'll start at rolling over. (;
Faith. I don't have a strong sense of what I believe in, and I know I hardly believe in myself right now. I've been through a lot of negative experiences, some things that none of you would imagine me ever having experienced. I'm still alive though, I may not have it all together anymore but even though all the pieces of who I used to be are scattered around, I'm starting to find them. Slowly I'll find them all, I won't be able to put all the right pieces in the right place but I will be better than I've ever been. It's true, you can't love someone until you love yourself. I'm not going to subject anyone to a love that's not all there. So for right now, even though there are guys I'd love to be with, let's see if I can trust them, I'll wait until I find the one that won't run, or be easily pushed away. At this moment, I just need to find people that are going to support me...encourage me to keep my head up and moving forward because I am sick, this is an illness but I'm going to beat this depression. You can support me, but if you want to criticize, just leave me alone.
God, give me Strength.
Truth Speaks when Faith Listens
tiffxo
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