Wisdom from a 16 year old

Found this on my computer, thought I'd share it with you! Even at 16 I was wise.

16 Things I’ve Learned In 16 Years

16. It’s not all about me, there’s plenty of people that have it worse.

15. Don’t be afraid to admit that yes, I was wrong.

14. Respect your elders.

13. Always smile, you never know when someone might need it.

12. Just because everyone else made a mistake before you, doesn’t mean you have the same fate, in fact promise yourself that you won’t.

11. Everyday is a new day, a new beginning, a chance to start over.

10. Don’t dwell on the past, things should stay there after all they were the obstacles that only led you to this point.

09. Don’t take things too seriously, sometimes people get mad at something else and take it out on you.

08. Breathe often, Sometimes a break let’s you see things clearly when you come back.

07. Laugh loudly, have fun, everything doesn’t need to be serious all the time.

06. Sometimes it’s best to let someone go, if they don’t want to work it out.

05. Apologize when it’s your fault, don’t let pride stand in the way.

04. Believe your family, they wouldn’t lie to you.

03. Address problems in the early processes, don’t wait for them to get worse, also don’t try and solve them right after they happen it only escalates the hurt and anger.

02. Music is a great way to escape a chaotic life.

01. Be Yourself, all the time, don’t pretend to be someone your not because that person’s not worth it if your afraid to be yourself.

00. When it feels like your against the wall, that’s when you start realizing who’s worth it, and who never was.   

I Realize. I realize that some of these I can object to but otherwise it's pretty true. There's truth in all of it. Who knew I was as wise as this, at 16 I can make these up and write them down.

Hiding behind Make Up and a Fake Smile

how many people have you smiled at today?
did they smile back? if they did, how many 

actually meant it?

Make Believe. I bet I can make you believe that I'm absolutely fine. I'd be one of those people that if someone smiled at me, I'd give you the most genuine smile that you've ever seen. I would be one person that you would say, "Yeah, she definitely meant that smile" in reality though, I don't mean the smile. Or I just don't mean what the smile is supposed to mean. I am not happy, if you were to look closer you'd see the sadness in my eyes, sadness that I'd never be able to tell you about because there's just so much. I'm just making you believe that everything in my world is going right, there are no worries or troubles. Go ahead ask what's wrong and I'll say I'm absolutely fine, and give you another killer smile. You wouldn't even know that everytime I go to counseling I'm on the verge of tears. 

Truth Is. I'm afraid of crying, showing weakness, letting someone get close enough to have the ability to tear me apart. I'm afraid of failing out of college, not becoming a doctor. I dropped one class, and I am going to fail another...I will probably only get around 7 credits? Plus be on probation status for my financial aid and scholarships. I'm just scared that I might just fall to the pressure of proving my parents wrong and become the girl they've always been convinced I'd be; a failure. I can't handle that.
Goals? What goals? I was asked today to set some goals and plans to achieve those goals. I had goals: Graduate high school, go to college, go to medical school, become a doctor. Now that I've looked, I don't know if I can achieve everything I've set up. Talking to my counselor I realize that maybe I should set up short term goals and make action plans. So here's my assignment for myself. I'm going to make up a few goals and write action plans. They might be silly and unimportant to you, but I want to see if they will help me.
Beware. Some Elements WILL contain religious views.
1. Faith-wise: 
a. Go to Church the next month (especially throughout advent)
b. Go to Confession at least once before Christmas
c. Open my bible Sundays & pick a verse for my theme of the week.
d. Pray at least once a day, whether its morning, before/after meal, at night
e. Adoration at least once a month.
2. Relationship-wise:
a. Calmly talk about problems
b. Let people in
c. Give everyone a chance
4. Don't pre-judge
3. Family-wise:
a. Stop starting fights
b. Help out around the house more
4. School-wise
a. Go to all classes
b. Get passing grade on ALL finals
c. Next semester, Study.
5. Work-wise
a. Plan a solid work schedule
b. look into CNA jobs
6. Financially
a. Save
b. Start an Apartment Fund
c. Start a Travel Fund
7. For Me
a. say one thing that I love about myself daily
b. go for a walk
c. blog about my experiences.

Looks like I have a lot to do. I may be making a lot of goals but I figure, I'll work on it. Nothing is ever easy the first time. It's just like how babies learn to walk. First, we learn to roll over. Then, we crawl. Soon we are pulling ourselves up on furniture, then freely standing. It's always the first step that's the hardest and we may fall...but eventually we get the hang of it. Eventually, I'll be myself again. Until then...I guess I'll start at rolling over. (;

Faith. I don't have a strong sense of what I believe in, and I know I hardly believe in myself right now. I've been through a lot of negative experiences, some things that none of you would imagine me ever having experienced. I'm still alive though, I may not have it all together anymore but even though all the pieces of who I used to be are scattered around, I'm starting to find them. Slowly I'll find them all, I won't be able to put all the right pieces in the right place but I will be better than I've ever been. It's true, you can't love someone until you love yourself. I'm not going to subject anyone to a love that's not all there. So for right now, even though there are guys I'd love to be with, let's see if I can trust them, I'll wait until I find the one that won't run, or be easily pushed away. At this moment, I just need to find people that are going to support me...encourage me to keep my head up and moving forward because I am sick, this is an illness but I'm going to beat this depression. You can support me, but if you want to criticize, just leave me alone.

God, give me Strength.

Truth Speaks when Faith Listens

tiffxo

Sitting In a Coffee Shop.

small black coffee & blueberry muffin.

smile.

Male Gender. Does anyone truly understand the opposite gender? Men like: sports, cars, and building. Women like: Shopping, Coffee, and Romance. No, it's really not that clear cut. To be honest, I had a hard time coming up with the third thing women like. Shows you how much I have in common. Really though. I run into quite a few men in my life, ahh saying men is too flattering, I will call them boys. But rather, I run into a fair few working at a coffee shop and I must say they are the most confusing people ever. Especially the kind I end up falling for. My italicized print ^ is actually a regular "boy's" order. He's been coming in since before I started I think...but who knows. ANYWAYS. He's definitely a cutie, at first he used to come in with this other guy who was pretty attractive as well but he has a horrible personality so I never thought twice about him. This guy is shy, pretty darn shy I must say but that's what makes him attractive to me. This guy has seen me look my worst, like no makeup, hair's a mess, bags under my eyes & that's the say he made me smile. He doesn't come in very much but I've seen him here the last few days that I've worked. He has a green UND hat and his smile is so darn cute. I always see him in here either with his "ugly" friend, or he's drawing. I just wish I had more to say to him then just hey, how are you doing. I'm so outgoing but with guys I'm attracted to in person I'm so shy, I don't like it. So there's this other guy who is 4 years older than me and I know of him because of people I know personally. I'm told he's supposedly "married" but he NEVER wears a ring & so I'm thinking maybe there's a girlfriend. If there is a girl in the picture, I feel sorry for her. He's a flirt, majorly. I am the kind of girl that if a cute guy is flirting with me, I become speechless. See I've dealt with a lot of these "I know I'm hot" kind of guys. They are so used to just having girls fall all over them and become in love with them, I find that annoying. Him though, oh man...I had fun. I like insulting him and joking around...kicking him off his high horse when really I think he's the cutest thing ever..& I can't let him see that reaction. The more I kinda gave him shit the harder he tried to flirt like it was a challenge for him. I stayed late after work the night before because he was around but really I needed to get some gift cards and such. I joked and told him that hey, we close in three minutes & he was like you close in three minutes. I said nahh..I was done at 9:30. (it's now almost 10) So he goes on to say "oh you stayed to check me out huh? - I know you did" I told him that he shouldn't flatter himself and he goes on to say the same thing again. So finally I rolled my eyes and said "fine, I did stay an extra thirty minutes so I could stand there and check you out, happy?" he goes "don't worry, I was checking you out too..& I like what I see" I was like....whoa...wtf. I was so confused. I wanted to just like say really? oh my gosh! and like freak out, this wasn't the only thing he said to me that was of that kind of phrasing "i like you statements" he also said he liked my face that is was pretty and stuff like that....ugh! I don't know. I honestly think he's one of the cutest guys in the world, even if he's mucho older than me. I don't care. I just don't know how to take this kind of stuff...it's so hard I hate it. Now I sit here after work at my laptop while I hopelessly wait for him to walk through the door and make me smile again. Although I know that Caribou closes in an hour and he probably won't show up :/ hopeless. 

Family. I've been thinking a lot lately about my family. Thinking a lot about when my family was supportive, counting those moments when my parents outwardly stated they loved me and were proud of me. The sad thing is, that within my whole 18 years of life I can think of maybe 3 times. I never grew up as a child who's parents tucked her in every night and said I love you. My parents never once said that to me growing up. I was also under a strict household, sure I was the disciplinary in the house when it got down to it. I was really hard on myself, I still am. All I ever wanted was to make them proud of me. But I couldn't, no matter how many As I got, how much stuff I was in charge of, I grew up never making them proud. I was always doubted though. My parents would deny all of this if they read this, I know they would. It's true though. They've doubted my work ethic, always thought I was going to fail classes, told me that all my activites would tire me out and on & on. Like I said there's not many times in my life that I feel I made them happy. My graduation wasn't even important to them, my honor stoll, anything.They didn't even take pictures. There is no recollection of me even graduating besides my cap & gown. Damn, I just realized this. Then again, there's my diploma...but still. You think they'd be proud, but no sadly. Anyways, I suddenly lost my inspiration to write...so I guess this is what I will stop with.

remember : Truth Speaks when Faith Listens :)

tiffxo

Novel Unwritten

 I've come farther then you thought I would, achieved more than you could've asked for, and 

by far surpassed your expectations. Keep telling me I won't make it & I promise you I'll keep 

proving you wrong.

Truth Is. I am selfish, but inselfish. Make sense? I over think everything to the point that it stresses me out. I always care about everyone else to the point of their well being becomes more important than mine.  If ever I think I need to take care of myself, I feel like I'm the inconsiderate one. It's who I am, and probably who I will always be. Sad to say. If you've noticed, it's only 10 in the morning. & I'm already blogging about my day. I realize I haven't blogged in awhile. Man, there's a lot going on. Here I go.

Help. Today was my first counseling session, I don't even care if you guys know. I didn't know what to expect, I thought it was going to be a tearful session like my first session but it wasn't like that at all. I had to explain myself to someone else. Now that was hard, it wasn't as bad as the first time though. I have a lot of stories, every question provoked a story...haha this makes me think I really should write and publish a book. If you ever have the chance to speak to a counselor about your life. Certainly take it, having someone just sit with you and you can have THEM listen to you, you definitely learn a lot about yourself. I feel that when I talk to someone who especially doesn't know me I can show myself. With my counselor definitely. I like that I don't have to pretend I'm okay, I just fall apart man. I feel relieved.

I don't have much else to say, I'll write more tomorrow. Oh, btw; Last day of Kmart tomorrow....hell yea (:

If I Die Young.

They say trust is earned,
but if it has to be earned why do people fuck up & waste it anyways.

I Give Up. I'm done, I can't take this. I am hurt, but I'm done crying. You say you are always honest, then I found out you've been lying. I'm not that strong anymore. In fact, I don't even know how to write this. There is SO much on my mind. So many things I want to say to just a few people. I don't understand how life could go from getting better to going downhill. I don't know how my cousin can just hold in so much, I can't I'm so emotional lately. & The thought always exists. Who would miss me if I disappeared? I need an escape, with people I don't know. I need to just get up and leave, to a place where no one knows me.
My escape. I have this dream in my head. Somehow I get enough money to leave and I go to a place where no one knows me. I throw my phone out the window while driving and it shatters. I'm finally free. Just myself and the open road ahead. I stop in a small town, and I put down money for a couple months rent, until I can find a job and then earn money there. Then, while I'm working I take online classes. Sure, I won't be able to become a doctor but I can get a nursing degree & work up from there. If I start missing my family I call them on restricted. Of course I'll have to get a pay as you go phone. I would always call on restricted though, so no one could find out where I am. I don't want to be found.
Hold Up? So what's holding me back from my dream? Well, money. No matter what, I'm always behind. It's like I can't keep money in my hands. I get it & spend it like I'm going to lose it if I don't. I just want to get in my car and drive, not have to worry about gas. You know, this is the kind of mood that first made me start drinking. I don't want to drink, not anymore. It doesn't help me at all.

Ugh. you don't even know the struggles I'm going through right now. I just want someone to tell me I'm doing a good job, I want another to say they love me. I want someone to understand just by looking at me that I need help, I want someone to say "Hey, I want to help you. Don't worry there's NO possible way that you can push me away because no matter HOW stubborn you are, how much we fight, or how long you just sit in silence. I'm here for you." Of course I've heard versions of that before. From pretty much everyone I know, & guess what happened? EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM fucked me over. Yup. That's what happened! I have the worst taste in people I get close to. I'm so vulnerable, like a damn newborn. Depending on everyone to just not hurt me, then I'm surprised when they do. God, I feel so dumb. I don't know anymore what to say.
I'm going to bed.
I sing for a funeral tomorrow, that should be interesting in itself.
whatever I guess.
bye guys.

Love Me When I Don't Deserve It, Because That's When I Need It the Most.

One of the many things I've learned is that I am not strong enough.
I'm not strong enough to handle everything at once, but I am strong enough to get help.

I proved this today.

I did it. No, I'm not talking about sex. (mind OUT of the gutter guys) I'm talking about I got help. Remember when I said I called the counseling center? Well, today I just walked right up there. Actually, I don't know what brought me there. All I know is that I was walking right by McCannel & the snow was falling in my eyes, I ended up turning into the building and realized the counseling center was located in the building. I felt so dumb for just walking in there and not knowing how to get up there. I found the stairs though, and I climbed them. I reached the door and almost turned around. That wasn't the hard part, I wasn't at the counseling center yet. Once I reached that door I almost turned around, I felt happiness soar through my body, then I kept thinking..."I'm fine, I don't even feel sad or stressed...why go?"  I didn't listen though, I walked in and talked to the secretary. 

Truth is, even though I felt fine, once I sat down with someone it was hard to start talking. Once I started talking, I kept going. Why is it that you can hold something in for so long, and deal with it all these ways that you think are going to help... but it never does. It was hard, letting someone know about everything I had kept in...well for years. All that built in frustration, hurt, all the excuses, I have made for people, for myself. Yeah, I shed a few tears...actually quite a bit. The best relieving feeling was when the person I was talking to, looked me in the eye and said, "I'm Sorry." The first genuine apology I've had in awhile. 

Today is a stepping stone for me. I always though I was the strongest and that I can handle anything thrown my way. Truth is, I can handle anything thrown my way...but building it up and never talking about it, I defeat myself. 

That's it. I did it. I'm proud.

Maybe, I'm starting to listen to my own advice.

Remember guys,

Truth Speaks when Faith Listens

-tiff-xo

One's Mistake is Another One's Chance?

You have paved the way for me to realize:
Who I want, What I want, and What I will get.

Frustration. Well today I came to a conclusion that, no one will ever fully understand your point of view. Remember how I talked about my "second mom" well I'm pretty sure she never wants to speak to me again. (which now, I'm okay with) I made a stupid choice to bring up the situation with her son. How frustrated I am, she did NOT understand my side of the story and blew out of proportion everything I had said. She doesn't want to believe that I waited around for her son as he went and fooled with this girl and that girl. Yet, when I wanted to explore he got pissed off and completely wrote me off. She simply said, "you shouldn't have expected him to wait around." Okay, so I guess wanting the same behavior I gave is too much to ask. So I realized that I can't expect people to understand my viewpoint if they are defending the other side or they personally agree with the other side. 

Anger. Oh boy, today was just a fun filled day. 4:45 wake up, 5:30 opening at caribou. It wasn't so bad though, I miss the coffee shop badly. The atmosphere is just amazing, I miss the regulars, the co-workers, the aroma of brewed coffee & hot chocolate :) I'm so glad I am done with K-mart on the 22nd. Let me tell you was I EVER angry today. First off, I was sent to the deserted zone which is the mall entrance. NO ONE buys from there & yet I was put there coming on to a shift. Further more, we are only given $100 so when people pay with credit & debit you receive no cash. This lady comes and wants $50 in cash back. I had to BORROW money to give it too her. Then the next person, $40 cash back. Let's put it this way, I never had cash. This is a problem because I have to give $100 back to the supervisor for the house balance. (which needs to be even at ALL times.) So I owed $150. I didn't make that money until the very end, the last 5 minutes of my shift. People just are not good at sympathy nowadays. 

Holiday Cheer. At least today began and ended on a good note. I got to decorate Caribou in holiday wear today! Christmas season is around the corner! It was awesome to see all the workers together working on transforming the store. It is SO pretty :) I think just being with the people that you get along with is a blessing in itself, I am so glad that I made up my mind to just leave the stressful job behind for a job that I sincerely love. It has it's ups and downs but it is the best job I've ever had. I'm going to miss the extra $100 from kmart but you know what? I don't care. I plan on being a CNA sometime anyways :) I just need to get my act together in school & get the show on the road.

Summary. So today, I learned that no one fully understands your side of the story. They still believe what they want to. I realized that I am MUCH happier with life at my caribou job & can't wait for the 22nd. Also, I am really excited for Christmas season & being able to start giving to those who need it! Plus I am getting the courage to finally see & talk to someone about everything on my mind. Things are looking up. 

In all things, great & small.
I will thank God in all fullness
for creating & giving me them all (:

Remember!

Truth Speaks when Faith Listens

-tiff.xo