A Quick Reflection Before I Forget...

Clothesline Project. I just wanted to stop and write a blog post on how I'm feeling at this very moment. I just stopped by an event on campus called the Clothesline Project. It is a collection of different colored shirts that are placed on clotheslines. These shirts are from victims, survivors, both adults and children who've witnessed abuse of any kind. This could range from physical to emotional to sexual. The colors of the shirts represent who they are and what they went through. An example would be a white shirt, which is symbolizing someone who was killed because of the abuse against them.
A bit of background, I've known about this event since I was a freshman at Central because they would take us in our Family & Consumer Sciences classes. So, what I felt back then is nothing compared to what I feel now going through it.Today was the second time I stopped through to look at the shirts I didn't get a chance to look at yesterday during our lab. Back in high school when I looked through these shirts I was shocked to see how much this actually happened and I praised those who were able to make shirts and stick it to the people that did this to them. Back then, I couldn't fathom how much hurt this caused. Today, it's a different story.
Today, I understand their pain. I live their pain. The truth is that so many people do. I know what it's like to not trust people, especially guys in my situation. I know what it's like to see that person and not know what to say but inside you are screaming "Please apologize! Don't you know what you did?" That just being my point. He took my innocence, although he didn't take it all...he took a piece of me that I can't get back. He made me feel like I was dirty and I was ashamed. That's not what you are supposed to feel. You can say I deserved it, he was the first guy I ever kissed or even made out with. He was not the person I would've chosen for this, but he was selfish and he just took what he wanted. I was drunk and blacking in and out, I couldn't vocalize no, and to him and others that means I wanted it. I didn't. After it was done I curled up into a ball and couldn't sleep. I prayed that no one would be mad at me. I shut myself off from the world and left as soon as it was a decent time. Shame is not a normal and okay feeling.
After this happened I realized the importance of sex. Why it's not to be used and thrown around like some toy. Now here's a caution, I'm not using this to judge anyone. This is it's importance to me. I don't judge others, whatsoever. Because who am I to cast the first stone? I'm not without sin. Sex is now something that has so much value that I have closed myself off to letting it happen. Granted, it's not like I have so many situations where I have to chose or what not. Still, I have a whole new outlook on what it means to me. I understand more now that I've been through this traumatic experience, about the importance of waiting for the one you want to marry. Someday, I do want to marry. I have to let go of this first.
As much as I say I'm over it, obviously I'm not. Those emotions that came up during the clothesline project? Those are still raw emotions. I was about to cry...tears of pain. On a good note though, I'm proud of those men, women, and children who were able to make those shirts & I hope they are doing well on their recovery. I plan on doing a shirt, in time.

God, please wrap your loving arms and surround me with your understanding.

I pray that you take all these negative emotions of hate and pain away and 

renew in me your forgiveness and patience.

Remind me that you are in charge of it all, and you can help me through this.

Through the intercession of our most Holy Mother Mary.

I pray.

Thank you Jesus. I love you.

Truth will be speaking, when I grab hold of my faith and listen.

Tiff xo

If You're Reading This (Part 2)

Older sisters are the first friend we ever have.

No matter how much I say I hate you,
I'll always remember that you were there at the beginning

and you'll be there are the end.

I just simply want the best for you.

 

Dear Big Sister.

No matter how many times I say I am done caring about you and to stop talking to me about your life, have you ever seen me not listen when you need it the most? Have you ever stopped to ask yourself why I still come back, listen, and offer advice, even when 100% of the time you never take it? Yeah, I ask myself that question everytime. Day in and day out, when you need someone to vent to about your life  I'll listen.

Would you like to know why  I'm writing this blog for you? Well, it's because this is the only way I can get you to listen to me. This is my only way to write how I'm feeling. The saddest part is you could read it and throw it away like everything I've ever said, or you could choose not to read it at all. But here goes nothing.

 

First off, I LOVE YOU. With all of my heart, to the point that no matter how much you hurt me and ignore me and cast me aside, I'll still love you. I love you until it hurts, because you are my sister. You and I share the same blood. You may not be aware that you hurt me, and this is why I'm writing this.Growing up, you made some bad choices that led you to some bad people. You fell in deep and lost who you were and who you wanted to be. You experienced the late part of dad's recovery from being an alcoholic and you also experience something that ruined your innocence as a child. Most of all you got involved with someone who continues to change you to this day. I'll get to that later. As hard as this may be to believe, I understand & I empathize with you.

 

I've been there, not in the same situations but close. My innocence was taken from me before my first year of college. I was forced into something I didn't want from a FRIEND. Maybe not a family member, but someone I trusted. I made bad choices too. Driving drunk, drinking, smoking, maybe not to the extent most of our family has taken it but still. So I didn't grow up with older brothers who weren't good examples, or dad's issues after recovery but does that make me less of a person? Does that make me someone who wouldn't understand?

 

I hate to say this, but I'm begging you to give me a chance to speak. So what if I'm 19 and haven't even had a real relationship or had sex. Does that mean I haven't lived life enough to realize how corrupted life is? No, truth is I'm way more grown up than my age. I wish you would accept this, instead of making up excuses to why I have no points in what I'm saying and there's no logic.

 

I feel hurt when I hear you say things like, "You don't understand because you don't have kids." But the thing that hurts me the most is broken promises. I remember when we were little and you would tell me what you wanted out of life, how you wanted to find that one guy. You wanted to become a nurse and provide. You made me a promise that you wouldn't settle for less than what you deserved and that you would set a standard for me. As a little girl, promises mean something. We don't pinky swear for nothing. I still am that little girl, with high hopes for her sister to show her what she can be capable of accomplishing. When did the little sister surpass her big sister? I considered you a role model growing up, but now I realize it wasn't you that was my role model. It was the woman you promised me you'd be. Now I sit here with a shocked look on my face. I haven't even realized this myself until now as I'm writing.

 

Do you want the truth? I have high standards for you now. Starting with what you promised me when we were little. I'm concerned about your current and past relationships. Which both have resulted into two wonderful and amazing little girls. Back to the relationships. What happened to not settling for anything less than you deserve? I realize that at this point in time you are probably convinced that he is what you deserve & I'm  saying NO you DON'T deserve him. You deserve SO MUCH MORE than what you settled for. I can hear you already making excuses and defending him. My favorite excuses? "You don't know what it's like to have a baby," "I've hurt him as much as he's hurt me," "Do you think mom should've left dad?" or even the "He's been through so much and he's allowed to be like that...I know he's sorry (he doesn't mean it)" and I'm sure there's more that you are coming up with if you are reading this. I'm going to respond to each one.

 

"You don't know what it's like to have a baby." You are ABSOLUTELY correct. It doesn't mean I haven't grown up around children my whole life or that I've taken classes to understand what it would be like to have children. The most important part about this statement is the BABY part. I understand that when you have a baby, that child is the most important part of your life. Or they should be, if they weren't you should've given them up for adoption. Your two daughters mean everything to me, I've said this multiple times and I'll say this again. I love them, if anything were to happen to them you bet I'd have someone's head cut off. I mean that, I didn't know it was possible to have this endless kind of love for children that weren't even mine. I feel sorry for them to be in a situation where their mom isn't helping herself. I feel sorry for Kins because the male figures in her life are her deadbeat father who really wants nothing to do with her, and the guy that you live with being racist against african americans and uses the "N" word while referring to them. I feel sorry for Kay because he mom and dad fight all the time, and her father really doesn't take care of her. I also feel sorry for the both of them because of the use of weed around them. My heart breaks when kay wakes up screaming from a nap and kins slaps and hits the other girls. These really aren't normal behaviors sis. Think about THEM. I feel like you use Kins to get her dad to see her. Shouldn't he just want to see her? or CLEAN UP and set up a life that his daughter would be proud of? It's not your job to make sure she sees him, & you shouldn't have to run off to Fargo using our cousin as a cover up. I know you take Kins to see him. Stop trying to please everyone. I know you were texting J*** and saying that you were taking the kids and leaving. Why would you tell him? Why not just leave without a trace? or GET HELP to get away without worrying about him stalking you?

"

"I've hurt him as much as he hurts me." & "He's been through so much and he's allowed to be like that...I know he's sorry (he doesn't mean it)"  Bullshit. No, I don't believe this nonsense whatsoever. He grew up with the unfortunate life and he's making YOU pay for it.Over 12 years he's brainwashed you into thinking and BELIEVING that it's your fault. Everything, it's your fault. It's not your fault his mom left and his dad was a drunk & beat him. It's not your fault he got into drinking and drugs and that's how he deals with things. It's not your fault you almost got charged with a felony and your dreams of being a nurse anywhere could've been ruined. YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR ALL THE THINGS HE'S CONVINCED YOU OF. It's definitely not your fault that he hasn't seeked help from a shrink and you sure don't need to make sure he goes. Care about yourself! I know it's easier said and done but instead of promising me and breaking that promise, just walk into an office and admit you need help.

 

My personal favorite,"Should mom have left dad when he was a drunk?" first off, this doesn't compare to your situation because every situation is different. Also, the differences between you and mom is that mom got help she went to Al-Anon. She also put her children in front of dad when he acted stupid. She cared about them, and let him do his own thing. She admitted she wasn't in control of what he did, when he did it. He straightened up though, but I don't see this happening with J*** I'm sorry. He may fool you and be able to manipulate everyone but I see right through him. Everytime. I don't understand why everyone tells me to respect him and just "go with it" I'm sorry but I grew up being taught to treat our elders with respect. He acts younger than me, so why would I respect him.

 

Please don't ever use the excuse, "You're too young to understand" I'm so SICK of hearing this. Truth is I will NEVER be older than you, that's just not possible realistically. I do believe that I am old enough to understand simple concepts as a gentleman. Which J*** is not. Sis, do you want full complete honesty?

 

 

What do you deserve? What does my sister deserve?

You deserve someone who will love you for you. Someone who will encourage you to follow your dreams and go back to school to finish those few credits until you become an LPN. You deserve someone who will treat & love your girls as if they were his. Someone who will comment how beautiful you are and take you out a couple nights. Someone who doesn't lie, manipulate, abuse, or put you down. Someone who lets you hang out with your friends and isn't jealous if you talk to a guy you know. Someone who doesn't check your phone and accuse you of cheating...someone who won't cheat. This guy is out there, I know he is. The problem is, you've been hurt so many times that you won't open your eyes and get help for yourself. You've been told you are nothing and worthless all your life. But you are worth so much.

What do I see when I look at you?

I see a beautiful, caring, and loving woman. I see what you can be if you only gave it a chance. I see a mother who would do anything for her daughters if she would only help herself first. I see a sad, lonely, and hurt soul. Someone who doesn't know where to go and is scared that eventually no one will believe her. I see someone who is silently screaming for help but won't take it when it's offered. I see a little girl who was robbed of her innocence and never fully recovered. I see you. All of you. What you won't admit, I see it. As much as I want to reach out and help you, I know and accept that it isn't my choice. All I can offer is prayer & pleading to God that someday maybe you'll see what your capable of.

No matter what, I won't give up on you. If you give up on yourself, then I hope to God you push your girls to be everything they ever wanted. Teach them not to accept disrespect from a male, teach them about God. Show them God's selfless love and his everflowing mercy. Teach them how to be a lady and how to dream their biggest dream. Then show them and tell them that they can reach it. Don't be okay with them experimenting. What good will that bring? You say you don't care if they drink, do drugs, or smoke. I do.

There's so much that they are capable of and I hope that they are never discouraged from reaching for the stars. They don't need the addictions, they need love. You're right, they will experiment...but teach them. Have them learn from your mistakes.

My wish for you is that you will seek help for yourself. See a counselor and ADMIT EVERYTHING. They are there to help but they can't help unless you are honest. That's a lesson I learned. Healing is slow, but there's nothing like that feeling of freedom you begin to get. That breath of relief. What's wrong with running to God too? I may sound like I'm preaching but seriously. He forgives, he forgives all of your wrongs, your judgements, your sins, your everything. He takes the burden from you, he died for you. Like my status that you liked from Kari Jobe's song What Love is This?

 

"I look to you...I see the scars upon your hands & hold the truth, That when I can't you always can. I'm standing here beneath the shadow of the cross, I'm overwhelmed that I keep finding open arms. What love is this, that you gave your life for me & made a way for me to know you. && I confess you're always enough for me you're all I need"

 

Do you see what I'm saying? Have you heard what I've had to say?
Above all I want you to keep with you,

how much I really do love you.

I wrote this because it's the only way you would listen to me.

Like I said...you may not even read this.

I do love you...& I believe in you.

I'm praying for you.

 

You're not so little sister,

Me xo


 

I Am At a Loss for a Witty Title

dwell in possibility

Emily Dickinson

      Fall. Let me just start by stating the obvious. I absolutely adore fall. Just the smell of the crisp air and the colors. Oh the colors! I swear, North Dakota looks more alive in the fall. Fall is just cool enough to wear jeans & a hoodie which is my favorite outfit. Camo doesn't look silly and ordering hot chocolate doesn't make you seem weird. When I hear the leaves crunch beneath my feet, I smile and I become a little kid for that moment in time.

      Writing. So lately, I've been thinking about what I may be doing for a career. A few events recently have brought to my attention the fact that I may be good at writing. My GTA for my study skills class keeps letting me know that my writing is great. I exceed her expectations for the writing assignments and she fully enjoys my papers. Now, of course the critic within me comes out and laughs saying I just whipped this out of nowhere. This is partially true...however, I can't imagine myself being a good writer. How foolish people must be to think I can actually write well! That's what I think. English composition has become one of my better classes, I got an A on the first paper I wrote. In the comment section my GTA only noted that I should cut my intro a little bit instead of stating everything at once. So right now I have an A in composition. My GTA loves my writing as well. I don't know, I'm so confused on what I should be doing. I love writing, it's one of the things I tell people when they ask me what I like to do. I find myself writing a lot of inspirational quotes and even song lyrics when I get the inspiration. I'm so confused!!!

      Faith. I've continued to grow in my faith and I'm even more involved. I've picked up an adoration hour and I'm even singing in the church choir. My weeks have been pretty peaceful now that God is at the center. I mean, there's still road blocks here and there and sadly, I'm not very committed with praying. I know he's there though, I have become aware of the little things that have added to the beauty around me. This has become more prevalent in my life now that I'm on my own.

      Friends. So just yesterday I hung out with one of my friends who talks to a good portion of my family and she said something that kind of shocked me yesterday. She told me that when she talks to people, she says that she would rather hang out with me than anyone else. Her reasoning is that I am not full of drama. I am both overjoyed and saddened at this fact.

      My family is something I really don't like discussing with people. They are complicated. Broken. addicts. Whether it be to attention, drugs, alcohol, abusive relationships...you name it, I'll name someone. As sad as that is, I feel that they have done a lot to shape who I am as a person. They have given me charateristics - both good and bad - that have molded me into being who I am. Because of what I grew up with and how it's affected me in the past couple years I'm now seeking counseling. I don't blame this on them, I'm simply getting help so I can be the best person I can be. I've learned through counseling that I'm very co-dependent and instead of taking care of myself, I end up taking on the burdens of others just so they will be happy. The thing with co-dependents is that we never let people hear us and then we get frustrated because we don't know how to communicate with people. In summary, we end up not caring for ourselves emotionally or mentally and we become exhausted. We have this critic who is amazing with timing. Always telling us these horrible things and we play movies of our failure. ME TO A T! Although I'm not fully recovered, I know that I'm doing better than a year ago. One day at a time!

 

That's all for this blog entry.
Truth Speaks when Faith Listens ya'll

Love you! Have a great week.

God Bless

Tiff-xo

Here's Something Different

;; He who hesitates is lost,
but what if I'm just looking before I leap?

Lost. No, not the TV show. (Which I never was interested in really) I'm at that place where I'm wondering what in the world I'm supposed to be doing right now. Maybe this is just pure exhaustion speaking from none other than my ability to procrastinate, and procrastinate well. This time it was a three to four page essay writing about a painting. Not just in my own perspective, which would've been hard to make into 3 pages, but in the perspective of this guy named Berger. This was even harder because I had NO idea what this Berger guy would think of my painting. Oh I did it though! I even managed to get roughly four hours of sleep too. So now I'm clinging to a cup of iced coffee with an espresso shot, begging for it to wake me up.

Classes. So we are now in the third week of classes and it's hump day. YAY HUMP DAY! I really love my classes and the way I have my schedule worked out. Sure, Mondays & Wednesdays absolutely suck, but hey I have quite a few breaks between them to hang out at my favorite place this semester which is also known as the library. Yup, I can hear your groans right now. I really do love people watching in the library though, it's mainly the same thing...people on their laptops, creeping on facebook, while having headphones in their ears. No joke, try it. Then there's me, not creeping on facebook and instead writing about creeping on people in the real life. HAHA! Seriously, I just laughed out loud. (LOL in reality) Back to what this paragraph is SUPPOSED to be about. There is a lot of reading to my classes, which is to be expected but at least it's somewhat interesting. At least my anthropology class is a really exciting read. One out of four isn't so bad. I haven't given up on psych and soc though, I have a feeling they will pick up soon. Which I think tonight I need to get on track and read for those classes again, at least psych. It's the best thing I can do to help me not fail psych, since I missed class yesterday.

Counseling. I think I'm getting much better at handling my own problems now, but I don't think I'm at that point to just stop going anymore. Maybe just not on a regular basis, which reminds me. I missed Co-Dep group again. BLAH. I hate lazy pile of crap days, I did nothing productive yesterday and I felt like I was missing something. Well...I made a bad impression. Two groups I've missed now, I feel really bad because I'm not one to just miss something without giving that person notice. I don't have any excuse either, because I just stayed home yesterday until I finally went in to meet my friend for studying, then I was somewhat productive in the shopping aspect of life -_- I know, I think I have a problem.

Well that about sums up my day, I'm sure I have plenty more to ramble on about but I really need to skim this chapter and go over my soc notes before my notecard quiz, oh the life I live. I imagine I'm on that path to eventually finding myself. Until I get there though, you can track my progress :)



If You're Reading This (Part 1)

;; Know your limits, Remember where you came from,

but never give up.

Dear Friend,

If you're reading this...I have a few things to say. First off, I was really hurt and felt frustrated when you made no interest in hanging out this summer. It bothered me because I wanted to reconnect with you after being far away for so long. From this moment on, I forgive you. Above all, I miss you.

This past year sucked, with being raped, friends betraying me, my family falling apart, and falling away from my faith; I was lost and didn't know where to turn to. When I was at that point, I turned to you. You helped me see a lot of things, but one thing I could never get over was how jealous I was of you. Yeah, I'm jealous. As I write this post, I'm completely jealous and I'm writing it because I know if you want to you will read this. Why am I jealous? You've been succeeding in your life more than I am. You found new friends, developed a new foundation of rock in which you built your faith, started to love fitness, and you found someone who loves you very much. With all of this going on, I started feeling inconvienient, like part of me telling you about how much my life sucked was draping on your life. I started pushing myself away and I know I was being successful, I've always known how to push people away. When I sent you that text, I meant every word I said. When you didn't reply right away I was hurt, so when you did reply after a few days, I didn't answer back. I'm answering now. I'm answering now in complete forgiveness, for everything that has happened in the past year and summer. The truth is, you have been my friend for the longest time. In 7th and 8th grade you looked past all the bad things and found the true me, who wanted nothing more than a best friend because I was scared of everything else. Then in 8th grade when I betrayed you and stopped having anything to do with you, you forgave me in highschool & it was back to the 7th grade. You have been a great friend, and you are allowed to have mistakes because no one is perfect. As I write this, I'm asking for your forgiveness as well. I haven't been all the best that I could be either. I'm proud of you, you are going places in life. God has called you to one heck of a journey. It will be filled with struggles and obstacles but God never said it'd be easy. You will prevail in the end. I want you to know that whatever you decide to do, whether it's go full into veterinary medicine or take a year or two and go back to Africa. I know that you will be ready. I've always admired your perseverence and your utmost faith. You learned what I have not, and that is trust. Trust in the Lord and he will provide. Please continue on in everything you are doing. I wish you the best of luck.

If you're reading this,

I love you & I'll be praying for you dear.

Tiffany (:







Ever Have One of Those Unproductive Days...

No matter how much you want to get done,
your bed just seems to get THAT much more comfortable?
Welcome to my everyday life.

Update. I get the keys to my apartment in exactly 8 days, and I begin the moving out process in exactly 11 days. Holy shoot, I'm really growing up. Which reminds me, I did not call my future landlord back with our appointment! UGH. Not too worry, I will put that as a reminder in my phone to do tomorrow, along with calling financial aid back.

OH YEAH. So, want to hear about my latest financial issue? Well, in June, after turning in my SAP form to get financial aid and my Cultural Diversity Waiver back, I got a letter for both stating that I will have both reinstated for the Fall 2012 semester, here's the kicker. At the END of June I got another letter saying that I was put on the Cultural Diversity Waiver waiting list. The WAITING LIST. So, I've been trying not to think about it much...but of course not getting that waiver means that Tiffany, once again is in a BIG money issue. I called the financial aid office yesterday and asked about it but the advisor I needed to talk to was out of the office. (Go Figure) I left a message and she called me back today but of COURSE I didn't have my phone on me and so she left a message. In her message she talked about the letter I should've received if I got it for fall semester but then she went on to say that I will be on the alternate list until they look at their rewards. Back to square one. I don't and won't know anything until tomorrow.

I just started this "Growing Up" thing & already it sucks

I apologize. I have so much more to write but my head hurts really bad, I'm incredibly tired and I just don't want to type anymore. I guess this is where I end my venting session. It was supposed to be A LOT more positive than this, but I guess I will have to wait & do some major damage control tomorrow. 

Someday, I'll follow my own advice. 

But don't forget,

Truth Speaks When Faith Listens.

I love you all.

Buenas Noches
(Goodnight)

Sometimes I Feel Like a Child

;; Making mistakes, and being too naive toIt

learn from them.

Learning. There are days when I feel like I will never know enough to survive in the real world. What is the "real world" exactly? Is it being in your own place, with bills stacked ye high, and living paycheck to paycheck? I surely hope not. I'm nineteen with a lot of dreams but no motivation, I'm so scared of this "real world" but I'm also afraid of a short life. 

There are these moments like now where I'm just sitting and thinking. Thinking of what my life will be in twenty years, but having this feeling that I won't get there? Scary huh?

I think I'm just thinking of this right now because I just got done reading Summer Sisters by Judy Blume. The thing that shocked me the most was the character of Caitlin, she was such a free spirit but lied to out do her best friend. She ran from her fears, she ran when life got tough. I don't want to be like that. I don't think I have ever been one to run though, looking back on everything I've been through. Fighter. That's what I've been, I never asked for help though. I got through it myself, independence, you could say.

Counseling. So I have my second group session tomorrow, I'm not quite sure where to go from here. I mean I laid it all out for everyone last week. I made myself open and vulnerable to strangers. That was scary. A part of me is convinced that I don't need counseling anymore, but I know that is not true. I know that as soon as I got discharged, some life even would come knocking and I would forget all that I've known. In a fight or flight situation, I would still flee. I think this has a lot to do with my self-esteem and the way I perceive myself.

Body Image. This is the one thing I struggle with. It's also the one thing I never really bring up. I've never been thoroughly happy with who I am, I've always been bigger. I've never been the skinny one, that's why I never wore jeans in elementary school, because I couldn't fit them. It's just progressively went downhill, to where I am now. I think that's why I'm so sad all the time. I never want to go clothes shopping, I hate having to go to the plus size when the rest of the people I hang out with get all the cute clothes. I often feel like I'm a skinny girl trapped in this huge body, how much I crave wanting to go do something active but I can't because my body restricts me. I miss basketball, volleyball, and mostly softball. I'm lucky if I can jog for a minute. I don't want to be this way. Part of me has just given up on any hope of getting better, this truly is a disease. 

Someday. I'll be confident to chase my dreams, and follow through I will. Until then, I'll be here...trying to heal.