All I Can Say Is...

I'm sorry,

I'll keep saying it because I keep messing up.

The only person who can help me get to where I'm supposed to be,

is the one who made me.



Days Like Today. To be honest, I absolutely hate days off. Especially when I have no appointments or gathering with friends. The day just becomes full of nothing and I'd rather sleep then be productive, which is EXACTLY what I did today. I let two FULL days pass without doing anything productive. Tomorrow, I go back to working and probably will be working for the rest of next week. That's not the problem though, it goes much deeper than that.

Unproductive. This can also describe my faith life right now. I'm not proud of where I am in my faith right now, I'm back to the same as last summer. I've missed mass 4 times in the past two months, that's a whole MONTH without church. I know there's a lot of catholics that don't go to church but hey, that's them, it isn't me. It's not like me at all, & I am starting to see how easy the excuses start to form. My faith is the most important thing to me, when no one else has been there, he has. It's taken me a lot of bad decisions to see that, but his mercy is so endless. I find it amazing with some of the testimonies I hear about how people found God and turned to him. I am kind of jealous because they have a testimony, I've known about God my whole life. I guess I can say I have my own testimony though because I have known about God, but yet I haven't known Him. At search I made commitments, and sadly when I found that paper today I wasn't keeping any of them anymore. So definitely starting that again . What I need to develop is daily conversation with God, instead of just in those moments where I'm stressed or afraid. That's better than nothing right? My point is that if every I tell myself that I'm doing enough, I'm not. There's always a chance to better myself. One thing that has stuck with me through all these years is what my youth director said in class one wednesday night. She said, "We are ALL called to be saints." Wouldn't that be something? If not a saint, I want to be remembered as caring, self-sacrificing, and one who truly shows the love of our Lord. Crazy huh? Challenge Accepted.

Growing Up. I say this because I am moving into my own place in August. August 1st, in fact. It scares me beyond belief that I will be out on my own. Wait a second, pause, rewind, play. Yes, I did say that it scares me that I will be on my own, when a year ago that's all I ever wanted. Moving out into an apartment is growing up for me, the fact I'm leaving my home to begin a new journey. See, moving in the dorms wouldn't have affected me that much because I'd be moving home after 8 months. This is an actual place! I will have to pay bills, cook food, be responsible for myself and not within 2 feet from my mom. She will be a thirty minute drive away, same with my dad. It scares the crap out of me. For once, I'm responsible for everything. Yeah, so I'm scared. Hopefully, I continue growing in my faith and attending mass with my mom. Make Sundays, bonding days. I'm not all scared though, I'm excited to be on my own. It will be nice to see where things go and finally learning what I haven't learned all these years. I've been growing up a lot this past year, being thrown into a lot of new things. Some were good experiences and some were bad experiences. I will have a roommate, which is my close friend, not recently though because of all this apartment drama, I hope that it won't be like this when we move in...but I have a gut feeling it's not all going to be rainbows and butterflies. Hey, there's no rainbows without rain right? My worry right now is the money, I have to work my ass off the rest of the summer. Like basically killing myself for money, I don't have Target anymore because I quit the highest paying job for a job that makes me happy. It's not a bad thing, I just wish happiness paid more. I've been praying that God make my path straight and that if this apartment is a beneficial thing then he will make it happen, so far it's been a green light. We shall see...

I'm not done but I am tired & I should be getting to bed because I have to work early with my dad tomorrow. So I'll close here.

I guess the last thing I have to say is, Maybe I should listen to my own advice...afterall

Truth Speaks when Faith Listens

God Bless & Good night all





My Biggest Disappointment

was the moment I thought I could please everyone,
and still be Myself.

Let's be honest. I always thought that my purpose in life was to care for others. I got way ahead of myself and actually convinced myself that I could please everyone and still be who I am. In the mix of all the chaos I lost who I was in the first place. I didn't stop right away though, I threw the thought away and now here I am. Lost. So Who Am I? Or a better question, who WAS I? I guess the latter question doesn't matter because the past is the past. 

Two weeks Left. Finals, then SUMMER! Although I am unsure where my education path is headed, I know that my #1 priority is to get re-admitted. Then focus, focus, focus.

Tangent. Here's what's been on my mind. I want to better myself fully, what's holding me back? Of course the fear of change, the fear that if I change for the better I will experience happiness and god-forbid that I get used to that happiness. There's my underlining fear of change. I realized this in a counseling session. I fear happiness. How silly that must be for all of you to read. It's 100% truth. The one thing I crave is the number one thing I am afraid of. Anyway...

Commitments. I'm sick of making them, but I want change so bad. There was this quote or saying I came across that says "If you are tired of starting over, then stop giving up." oh SOO much inspiration comes from that statement. There are NO excuses for why I am failing and having to start over. I don't know if I am ready for a change to be able to commit and stick to something everyday but I'm willing to try. I need to figure out all the details but as of right now there are some goals I want to make.

GOALS:

1. Slim down

- Make exercise fun 

2. Strengthen my faith life

-Learn to thank God as well as asking for help

3. Become a good student

- Enough F's, I never used to get this much before

4. Stop insulting myself

- Positive Inside and Outside. 

5. Stop Swearing

- It doesn't make me look intelligent.

6. Stop Chewing my nails

-That just needs to stop haha

Now. I just need to think about my plan of action. For the exercise one, I know that I need to make a realistic goal. Otherwise I fail before I even start. There's another quote I love that says, "So the next time he sees me, he'll regret treating me wrong." This is EXACTLY what I want, I want to be able to live a life worth writing all over my Facebook so that if he ever looks at my page he can go WOW she really did move and and she looks good. I want to make him wish (even in the littlest voice at the very back corner of his mind) that he still had me. That's not the healthiest thing to be wishing or thinking but hey, he ruined happiness for me. Not only him but all those in my past. 

Doubts. Part of me strongly doubts that I will ever find someone that will mean as much to me as he did. I have a lot of regrets even though I keep telling myself that it was a one way relationship. He expected a lot from me, to uproot and just be with him. Isn't that exactly what I want for a relationship? I have such high standards that maybe no one will reach them, and I'll be all alone. I don't want to be alone. I want to love and be loved by someone. To get married and have a big family. I'm definitely scared that either no one will agree to my standards or I will make an exception and fall hard for a horrible relationship. I pray, I really do. It hasn't seemed to give me any answers though. I'm at a loss to where or who I'm supposed to be with. How can I be the perfect girl for someone if I don't have anyone willing to take a chance on me? 

Well I think I'm done venting. Time to read for ethics. I love you guys! 

xoxo-T

Someday, I'll achieve what I've always wanted...

&When all is said and done,
I won't give you the credit you thought 

you deserved.

life. Every so often I wish I lived someone else's life. So someone could deal with my struggles for me, I don't know how to fix what's broken because there is so much brokenness in my life. Yet, I can't seem to just not care about anybody. The only progress I've really made is the fact that I don't want to call or talk or text Jarrett anymore. It took him getting engaged to finally see that he moved on and now it's my turn. What if there's no moving on for me? What if that one person I'm meant to be with doesn't cross my path? Again, I am one of little faith. 

temptation. I'm not going to lie, I've been tempted to start losing weight by popping pills...which is a horrible thing for me to think about considering how many of my family member are hooked on pills. (Like I said, there's a LOT of brokenness in my family.) I just want to be at a healthy weight, I hate looking in mirrors and I ignore them. No matter what I look like a big fat cow. I'm so lazy too, like there's so much I want to do and get started but I'm so damn tired all the time. I want to make up a workout schedule and routine. I did go workout though, last night. I haven't worked out since Junior year of high school. So it was hard but I did 15 minutes on the cardio machine aka elliptical. I lifted some  weights to that was fun. The best part is that I wasn't sore today, just tired. Then again, I didn't go to sleep until after midnight. Bad move on my part. 

dreams, I want to lose weight, the healthy way. I want to meet someone who falls for me just as I fall for them. I want to try out for the Voice or American Idol but I want to lose weight first because no matter what it's a looks competition. By August, I want to fit into XL or Large clothes. That is my goal, it's not going to be easy at all. I want to do it though.

depression. I think I'm falling into another down phase, I'm starting to want to sleep more and I'm not participating or hanging out as much. In reality, I don't think I ever got out of a depression, I just think I oppressed the feelings and didn't think about them too much. As I spend more time in my room I realize that I am falling into that sadness again. I wanted to go outside for a walk in the sun today but instead I thought about everyone thinking I'm weird and I convinced myself not to...instead where did I go? To my bedroom of course and got on my computer. I really do NOTHING productive on my computer for hours on end. It's really ridiculous, I just want to move out with someone who's struggles are the same as mine and then we can use each other for reasons to exercise and we aren't by ourselves. That's what I'm doing but not til August, so until then I have to lose weight myself. I don't want to be sitting in my room all summer. I NEED to get out of this depression. I NEED to get away from home. I NEED to find someone who will not only support but encourage and join me. Life just upsets me sometimes. 

I THINK. I'm going to put a picture up and then close this post. I really have nothing else to say (or I do, but I am tired and don't want to type it all! ) 

Here's my Motivation Starting tonight, no more giving up. I'm envisioning success.
It's going to be a long trip...

From the Frontlines of a Raging War...

The war between Me & Myself.

beauty. I'd have to say I am one big hypocrite. I can stand up and tell you that you really are a beautiful person, inside and out, but yet I don't believe one word of it from anybody else. Sometimes I daydream on how life would be life if I changed certain insecurities. Example:

DAYDREAMS

REALITY

Seriously, I can sit for hours a day and day dream that I looked like the above picture. (The nice one) Anyways, since I was little I've never been a toothpick. Plus, I've always heard my mom say "You probably shouldn't eat that..." or my favorite, "Stop eating..." Well mother, little do you know that at school I only eat once a day. I will wait ALL DAY and then just eat supper. Those times that you see me eat and tell me to stop...it's probably my only meal of the day. Now I do love my mom, we've had a really come and go relationship but it is on a better route. Some people may think I'm very disrespectful of my mom and I am just a rebel child but you don't know the whole stories...so shut up. They don't know what I have been through with her, or what she has been through herself. The way I act, is how I've always acted and she does accept it. I'm treated the exact same way only behind closed doors. The one thing I'll never forget is how many broken promises I've been given in my lifetime. So much that anyone who promises anything now I don't get hyped up about it. It's even to the point where I find myself making promises I know I can't keep and that hurts me more than you could ever know. Anyways back to my original rant...my mom and a few other family member are all quick to judge, my mom used to always say we should go for a walk. Well, that always got me excited because I don't have the mental capability of being able to do this myself. I can't get into shape by myself. I"m afraid someone is going to kidnap me, or worse someone is going to judge me. I hate being judged, and I know a lot of people do it. I just don't want to be laughed at. When I think of going to the gym I'm always scared that someone is going to say, "wow, that fat girl is trying to get thin...she'll probably go eat a big mac after this." or "I never want to get that big, if I do, just kill me."  I've been so scared lately of being alone, and I know that if I don't love myself that I will never be capable of being able to love another person. I think I convinced myself that I can though. I find it so easy to love all the imperfections of my neighbors including my friends, I'm not a girl who makes friends with people that are less goodlooking than me because I'll look good. At the same time, I'm always jealous of my pretty friends..them and their boyfriends that they endlessly get or those even with a guy just pursuing them. I miss elementary school. When I was friends with all the boys & they were like big brothers, I could talk to them about ANYTHING...but who really has problems in elementary school?

self-esteem. If you couldn't tell by now...I have little to no self-esteem. It is very low, and all I believe are the bad things about myself. My mind is like this black hole with dark thoughts brewing all around. I'll tell you what I really believe about myself. -I am fat. I am ugly. I am a liar. I will never have someone love me. I will not succeed. There will not be another opportunity for success. I am a failure. I will always be used by people. Bad grades define that I am stupid. I can't live up to expectations. No one can understand why I am this way, because they assume. I'm a complainer. I want attention. I'm clingy. I'm pushy. - This list goes on & on & on. How can someone this low, still trick people into believing she's a-OK? Why, it just takes 18 years of practice and you can fool anybody. Even when someone questions my happiness...it takes maybe a few minutes but they are convinced. What sucks about that is when I get to my breaking point and say I'm done to someone they don't believe that anything's wrong OR they are offended because I lied to them. Why be weak if those who want me to be weak can't handle it? Why not just make everyone believe the best? It's a lonely world let me tell you.

dreams. I want to make a difference.  I just don't know how I'm going to make that difference if all I believe are the negatives, I fail before I end up trying. I need happiness...but I don't know what it is...or how to get it.
I want someone to prove to me that they won't hurt me. Someone who will stick by my side no matter how stubborn I am. Someone who will encourage me, 24/7 and will call me out on all of my bullshit and call me out on my excuses. Who will drag me to people that I don't want to see and get me help that I don't need. 


I need a break down. Complete and utter break down.

I'm done. The End.

Faith, Hope, Love

I believe that there is someone out there for everybody.

Someone who will love all of your flaws and everything that you

dislike about yourself.

Somedays, I still have to convince myself that its the same situation for me.

There's this boy...

Isn't that how every story starts once we reach a certain age where boys no longer have cooties? Instead of running away from the space they occupied, now we long to be breathing the same air with the one we are "crushing" on? Ahh yes, but back to the beginning.

So...there's this boy, 

let me explain. I am a Catholic girl, I love my faith even with how confused I get. I would not be christened into another religion if I was made too. While growing up I had a bad habit of falling for guys who didn't believe in the same things as I did. Somehow I convinced myself that it would work out even with the religion glitch. My longest relationship was with a guy who ironically hated Catholics. (& it lasted 2 years...hmmm) Anyways, since going back to Search (a catholic retreat for 16 yr olds through college) I have realized that I don't want any more guys who aren't proud of my religion. Instead I want a Catholic guy, one who was raised right. He doesn't have to be so involved in his faith, but at least believes what the church teaches. I really want someone to go to mass with, and discuss various church teachings. It'd be nice to have someone to go to adoration with and all the fun stuff. Plus, because of Search I realized that Catholic men are probably some of the most gentlemen-like guys out there. This last Search I went to I met this guy, & he set the bar high. Unfortunately he is taken, but that doesn't mean I can't want the same qualities he has. This guy blows my mind, we talk occasionally and no matter what I always find something else about him to like. I haven't really been attracted to many guys lately and I'm not sure why, they just seem so different from me. I do still get giddy when I talk to this guy though. I think I got over liking him though because he is in love with another girl.

Tonight, he gave me a good point. He said that I should love God with my whole heart and allow him to be like a spouse to me. Only then, will God point me to my physical spouse here on earth. It's true, I believe it. I just have such a hard time putting my trust into any kind of love relationship. All my life I've been constantly hurt by the ones I've loved. To give in and hand it all over to God? That's harder than doing brain surgery on myself. I do feel lonely though, my closest friends are either in serious relationships, engaged, or have a boy pursuing them. While I am on the sidelines. I think it's because of how I look, yeah I know, I know, I'm beautiful...blah, blah, blah. I'm sick of that, "You have an amazing personality anyone would be lucky to have you..." shut up. Just listen. I know I could be better in some areas the lack of interest of anybody else wanting to help me is the reason I don't change. I'm scared to do stuff by myself because the first time I get bad feedback I quit. I've never had a support system, I don't even know how one works. So to better myself, I can't do it by myself, I don't have that much control. Anyways I'm done ranting I think...I just had to get that all out.

Peace out Girl Scouts,
Tiff-xo 

I Walk Blindly

"I don't want a reason to be angry with God"
-A Walk to Remember

frustration. That is my main emotion right now. I don't understand all these obstacles I've been put through. I have no idea why nothing really goes as planned. I'm not as fortunate as some in my life, I feel so bad that I get so envious hearing about someone else's good fortune. Yes, God blesses me. I know I'm blessed that I have a roof over my head, food on the table, and a functioning family. I have such an envious heart...stone actually like a wall between myself & God. I don't like that, I want to be happy with a strong relationship...I'm not one to pray though. I used to...when I was in elementary school and CCD. I really don't know how I got to be so distant. I know the rape was part of it. Somedays I wonder if calling it a rape is over reacting. To be honest, I think I stopped believing a long time ago. 

past makes my future. As much as I say I'm over everything that happened in the past, I will never TRULY be over it. This is how I feel. That first relationship (if you could call it that) with Nick from New York, that would be one reason I am how I am. He scarred me with all the lies that were told, all the cheating that was done, and all the names (bitch, whore, slut, ...etc) that he used. I was only 15 and I thought that was love. Texts constantly everyday...calls all the time. Why didn't I see that he was crazy? Texting me multiple times if I didn't answer, calling me multiple times, leaving me messages crying. Every fight we had he'd flame up and say nasty things then call later and say "I love you please baby, I'm sorry. You are the only one I want in my life. Don't leave" he lied about having cancer, having a kid, having that kid die, having multiple girlfriends, being rich, having three cars, being on all these pro lacrosse teams. The list goes on and on, I was manipulated...completely destroyed. Promised him my heart, promised him I'd marry him...while he was copying and pasting his texts I was fooled into thinking I was the only one. That's not even the end of it. After I completely left him, & broke up with him...he'd text, call, everything saying he was going to kill himself unless I took him back. He cried, and tried manipulating me even more. I didn't ever catch on, but somehow I let him go. I was still so scarred though, I didn't notice it right away but once I tried looking for someone I noticed. Then there was multiple guys after that, that I would "fall for" tell them I loved them when I didn't then when they fell for me or lied to me it was over. I remember I would text nick from time to time still...what a mess that was. Then finally there was Jarrett from Missouri. First love of my life. Two years. He was 17 and I was 16, found each other on tagged and we talked constantly. We didn't have much in common, after all I was a Catholic girl and he didn't like catholics at all...said they were too proud. Plus he had a girlfriend. I had my phone taken away around the  time I had first talked to him but as soon as I got it back we started texting. We talked for a good two months. In those two months our text messages became longer, more serious. We talked about our plans for the future and what we liked in the opposite sex. I fell for him in those two months. He made me feel like I was the only girl in the world. He broke up with his girlfriend because he couldn't get me off his mind. October 9th, 2009 he told me he loved me. I knew he meant it...I loved him too. I knew that long distance didn't work but with him it was different. I knew that if we did last, I'd have to handle him going to basic for the Navy and then there were deployments but I was so sure we'd get through it. He helped me through my cousin's death. She was young and she was a part of my past, I had grown up with her and she was so pretty. It crushed me, & he was there as much as he could be while being so far away. We got so close...until December. Because of Nick I had become crazy I think, I would constantly look for signs of cheating or using. As much as I wanted to believe Jarrett was different, I couldn't help but look at his myspace (because THAT was popular then aha) and see all his female friends joking and what not. I would get so jealous if he mentioned he was hanging with one of the girls. Just trust issues, taking over. His one friend Kammie, he never told me about. She was always really flirty with him (he was a flirt too) it concerned me. Especially when I found out he dated her awhile back. I knew she still liked him. She was 14. Yeah, I was jealous of a girl my nephews age. She invited Jarrett to Christmas at her house and Jarrett doesn't celebrate Christmas, I knew that she had something up her sleeve ( I guess you could say) Lately Jarrett and I hadn't been getting along because I didn't trust him and I had been comparing him to Nick. ( I wasn't over it) So he broke up with me. After Christmas, he acted really weird. I found out that the day after he broke up with me, Kammie asked him out and he said yes. Talk about upsetting! So I was completely crushed and we had so many arguments after that. I felt bad because I made him feel like shit. He regretted what he did, but he said he couldn't hurt her. (Even though he hurt me! the one he "loved") They ended up going out for about a month. The events in that month were crazy. My aunt had a double heartattack on new years eve, not long after my sister was brought to the hospital preggo with my niece kaylynn. Jarrett was with Kammie. Mind you, we texted everyday and still said we loved each other. I was crushed and was texting him all that night that he was with Kammie, Kammie got jealous and her friend was getting pissed at Jealous. They knew something was up. Turns out he drove home cuz he got sick of that and wanted to talk to me. After that he & Kammie started having problems, she especially didn't like the idea of him in the Navy. She didn't want him to go to basic that August. (I fully supported his decision) Skipping over a few things, they ended up breaking up when she lied to him about another guy. (she didn't cheat, but wasn't honest about flirting with other guys) So it was me & him again. The second time around I didn't trust him at all, I was still crushed even though he promised he wouldn't do it again. I remember a phone call where we were talking about our future and I was so dismissive saying I don't want to think about the future let's focus on now. That hurt him. It seemed like since he hurt me I wanted to hurt him worse than what he did. I wanted him to feel that pain and I took it farther then I should've. We eventually got over it and fell back into love..where we had been not long before. Then August came faster then it should've. He had to go to basic. I still supported it but I didn't know how I would handle it. I remember crying over not being able to talk to him..since I talked to him pretty much 24/7. It was true love definitely. When he went to basic, we wrote letters. Which made him more real to me. (we had planned on meeting, but it never worked out) Gawsh...I was in love with him so much. 

But hey, I'll tell part two some other time...I'm EXTREMELY tired.

goodnight guys!

tiff-xo

#joyful #thankful #loved

My soul proclaims the greatness of the Lord!

-Magnificat

"I am joyful; because I have a forgiving Lord. He is almighty in every way.
He sees past all the flaws I have picked out myself,
& calls me beautiful." -Me

 joyful. I am happy, I have no idea if this is just a temporary thing but it's genuine right now. I can feel it throughout my body, I am ready for the coming events. I'm sorry I have taken so long to write but I just haven't felt the inspiration to write in awhile. I usually write because something is bothering me, right now though...everything is fine. EXCEPT I can't fall asleep but hopefully after I write this I'll be able to pass right out haha :) I feel as though I am starting to live my life for me. I've tried to please everyone for so long that I lost who I was, infact I lost all faith in God. Now I am joyful, this because I am starting to feel God's presence in my life. It's overwhelming, everytime I pray or listen to the readings at church I want to cry. Not because I'm sad, but because it's like God is speaking to me. He is reassuring me that I'm going to be just fine. 

scary. Lately, I haven't been able to sleep...I'm always thinking about death. Not my death, but about someone close to me. Like the death of my parents, the feeling that time is going by fast, soon they will be gone...soon I will be gone. I cry, I cry a lot because of this. I can't imagine life without my parents, honestly I can't. It doesn't matter how many fights I get into with them, or how many times I get mad at them for interrupting or distracting me. I love them with all of my heart, being the baby I'm so close with them. I am so fortunate to have been given the chance to be raised like an only child. They have done such a wonderful job at raising me, even if I won't admit it to them personally. I am a woman of my faith, who knows right and wrong. I have a strong head on my shoulders and I know what I want to do with my life. I have no interest in drugs, alcohol, or partying; college is just more school. I would love to stay in college forever if it wasn't so expensive, because after college it's the real world; this scares the crap outta me. Once I hit the real world, time really flies...people I know become people I knew. Kids grow up, adults pass away, there's mouths to feed and bills to pay. I'll be raising my own children. AHH! I just want time to slow down...so much.

thankful. For family that continue to challenge me, for friends that continue to come into my life and change it for the better. I am thankful for obstacles, because without them I would never know how strong I really am. For my faith, without it I'd be just another person lost in this world trying to find a purpose blindly. I'm thankful for tears and laughter, because they are signs of a life well lived. I am thankful for the education I've been blessed to receive. There is so much to be thankful for! I wish I would see this more often. 

loved. I feel loved; like God is wrapping his love around me and saying "It's about time" 

forgiveness. Have I ever been struggling with this one. I want to work on this. I don't want to be someone who holds grudges and has hard feelings about people. I definitely want to pray about this for the next few months. 

Prayer Requests:

1. strength

2. wisdom

3. forgiveness

4. Health

5. guidance

6. selflessness