Here's Something Different

;; He who hesitates is lost,
but what if I'm just looking before I leap?

Lost. No, not the TV show. (Which I never was interested in really) I'm at that place where I'm wondering what in the world I'm supposed to be doing right now. Maybe this is just pure exhaustion speaking from none other than my ability to procrastinate, and procrastinate well. This time it was a three to four page essay writing about a painting. Not just in my own perspective, which would've been hard to make into 3 pages, but in the perspective of this guy named Berger. This was even harder because I had NO idea what this Berger guy would think of my painting. Oh I did it though! I even managed to get roughly four hours of sleep too. So now I'm clinging to a cup of iced coffee with an espresso shot, begging for it to wake me up.

Classes. So we are now in the third week of classes and it's hump day. YAY HUMP DAY! I really love my classes and the way I have my schedule worked out. Sure, Mondays & Wednesdays absolutely suck, but hey I have quite a few breaks between them to hang out at my favorite place this semester which is also known as the library. Yup, I can hear your groans right now. I really do love people watching in the library though, it's mainly the same thing...people on their laptops, creeping on facebook, while having headphones in their ears. No joke, try it. Then there's me, not creeping on facebook and instead writing about creeping on people in the real life. HAHA! Seriously, I just laughed out loud. (LOL in reality) Back to what this paragraph is SUPPOSED to be about. There is a lot of reading to my classes, which is to be expected but at least it's somewhat interesting. At least my anthropology class is a really exciting read. One out of four isn't so bad. I haven't given up on psych and soc though, I have a feeling they will pick up soon. Which I think tonight I need to get on track and read for those classes again, at least psych. It's the best thing I can do to help me not fail psych, since I missed class yesterday.

Counseling. I think I'm getting much better at handling my own problems now, but I don't think I'm at that point to just stop going anymore. Maybe just not on a regular basis, which reminds me. I missed Co-Dep group again. BLAH. I hate lazy pile of crap days, I did nothing productive yesterday and I felt like I was missing something. Well...I made a bad impression. Two groups I've missed now, I feel really bad because I'm not one to just miss something without giving that person notice. I don't have any excuse either, because I just stayed home yesterday until I finally went in to meet my friend for studying, then I was somewhat productive in the shopping aspect of life -_- I know, I think I have a problem.

Well that about sums up my day, I'm sure I have plenty more to ramble on about but I really need to skim this chapter and go over my soc notes before my notecard quiz, oh the life I live. I imagine I'm on that path to eventually finding myself. Until I get there though, you can track my progress :)



If You're Reading This (Part 1)

;; Know your limits, Remember where you came from,

but never give up.

Dear Friend,

If you're reading this...I have a few things to say. First off, I was really hurt and felt frustrated when you made no interest in hanging out this summer. It bothered me because I wanted to reconnect with you after being far away for so long. From this moment on, I forgive you. Above all, I miss you.

This past year sucked, with being raped, friends betraying me, my family falling apart, and falling away from my faith; I was lost and didn't know where to turn to. When I was at that point, I turned to you. You helped me see a lot of things, but one thing I could never get over was how jealous I was of you. Yeah, I'm jealous. As I write this post, I'm completely jealous and I'm writing it because I know if you want to you will read this. Why am I jealous? You've been succeeding in your life more than I am. You found new friends, developed a new foundation of rock in which you built your faith, started to love fitness, and you found someone who loves you very much. With all of this going on, I started feeling inconvienient, like part of me telling you about how much my life sucked was draping on your life. I started pushing myself away and I know I was being successful, I've always known how to push people away. When I sent you that text, I meant every word I said. When you didn't reply right away I was hurt, so when you did reply after a few days, I didn't answer back. I'm answering now. I'm answering now in complete forgiveness, for everything that has happened in the past year and summer. The truth is, you have been my friend for the longest time. In 7th and 8th grade you looked past all the bad things and found the true me, who wanted nothing more than a best friend because I was scared of everything else. Then in 8th grade when I betrayed you and stopped having anything to do with you, you forgave me in highschool & it was back to the 7th grade. You have been a great friend, and you are allowed to have mistakes because no one is perfect. As I write this, I'm asking for your forgiveness as well. I haven't been all the best that I could be either. I'm proud of you, you are going places in life. God has called you to one heck of a journey. It will be filled with struggles and obstacles but God never said it'd be easy. You will prevail in the end. I want you to know that whatever you decide to do, whether it's go full into veterinary medicine or take a year or two and go back to Africa. I know that you will be ready. I've always admired your perseverence and your utmost faith. You learned what I have not, and that is trust. Trust in the Lord and he will provide. Please continue on in everything you are doing. I wish you the best of luck.

If you're reading this,

I love you & I'll be praying for you dear.

Tiffany (:







Ever Have One of Those Unproductive Days...

No matter how much you want to get done,
your bed just seems to get THAT much more comfortable?
Welcome to my everyday life.

Update. I get the keys to my apartment in exactly 8 days, and I begin the moving out process in exactly 11 days. Holy shoot, I'm really growing up. Which reminds me, I did not call my future landlord back with our appointment! UGH. Not too worry, I will put that as a reminder in my phone to do tomorrow, along with calling financial aid back.

OH YEAH. So, want to hear about my latest financial issue? Well, in June, after turning in my SAP form to get financial aid and my Cultural Diversity Waiver back, I got a letter for both stating that I will have both reinstated for the Fall 2012 semester, here's the kicker. At the END of June I got another letter saying that I was put on the Cultural Diversity Waiver waiting list. The WAITING LIST. So, I've been trying not to think about it much...but of course not getting that waiver means that Tiffany, once again is in a BIG money issue. I called the financial aid office yesterday and asked about it but the advisor I needed to talk to was out of the office. (Go Figure) I left a message and she called me back today but of COURSE I didn't have my phone on me and so she left a message. In her message she talked about the letter I should've received if I got it for fall semester but then she went on to say that I will be on the alternate list until they look at their rewards. Back to square one. I don't and won't know anything until tomorrow.

I just started this "Growing Up" thing & already it sucks

I apologize. I have so much more to write but my head hurts really bad, I'm incredibly tired and I just don't want to type anymore. I guess this is where I end my venting session. It was supposed to be A LOT more positive than this, but I guess I will have to wait & do some major damage control tomorrow. 

Someday, I'll follow my own advice. 

But don't forget,

Truth Speaks When Faith Listens.

I love you all.

Buenas Noches
(Goodnight)

Sometimes I Feel Like a Child

;; Making mistakes, and being too naive toIt

learn from them.

Learning. There are days when I feel like I will never know enough to survive in the real world. What is the "real world" exactly? Is it being in your own place, with bills stacked ye high, and living paycheck to paycheck? I surely hope not. I'm nineteen with a lot of dreams but no motivation, I'm so scared of this "real world" but I'm also afraid of a short life. 

There are these moments like now where I'm just sitting and thinking. Thinking of what my life will be in twenty years, but having this feeling that I won't get there? Scary huh?

I think I'm just thinking of this right now because I just got done reading Summer Sisters by Judy Blume. The thing that shocked me the most was the character of Caitlin, she was such a free spirit but lied to out do her best friend. She ran from her fears, she ran when life got tough. I don't want to be like that. I don't think I have ever been one to run though, looking back on everything I've been through. Fighter. That's what I've been, I never asked for help though. I got through it myself, independence, you could say.

Counseling. So I have my second group session tomorrow, I'm not quite sure where to go from here. I mean I laid it all out for everyone last week. I made myself open and vulnerable to strangers. That was scary. A part of me is convinced that I don't need counseling anymore, but I know that is not true. I know that as soon as I got discharged, some life even would come knocking and I would forget all that I've known. In a fight or flight situation, I would still flee. I think this has a lot to do with my self-esteem and the way I perceive myself.

Body Image. This is the one thing I struggle with. It's also the one thing I never really bring up. I've never been thoroughly happy with who I am, I've always been bigger. I've never been the skinny one, that's why I never wore jeans in elementary school, because I couldn't fit them. It's just progressively went downhill, to where I am now. I think that's why I'm so sad all the time. I never want to go clothes shopping, I hate having to go to the plus size when the rest of the people I hang out with get all the cute clothes. I often feel like I'm a skinny girl trapped in this huge body, how much I crave wanting to go do something active but I can't because my body restricts me. I miss basketball, volleyball, and mostly softball. I'm lucky if I can jog for a minute. I don't want to be this way. Part of me has just given up on any hope of getting better, this truly is a disease. 

Someday. I'll be confident to chase my dreams, and follow through I will. Until then, I'll be here...trying to heal.

Time for a Bit of Honesty

I have been honest from the start,

now it's time for actions to back up my words.

Starting point. There is so much that I would love to write about right now, that's part of being who I am, I always have so much to say. I guess that sucks for writing, I can't write it all at once because 1) It wouldn't make any sense 2) If you don't know me, then you would be absolutely lost and 3) This would be one long post that you would lose interest in. So, let's start with a little catching up shall we?

Timeline. Since the last time I blogged, which was about a month ago. (Give or Take)  I have had a lot of time to look at what I've overcome and want to change within this next year. Within my faith journey I am still struggling to get where exactly I'm supposed to be. I have since then missed a few more masses, and have yet to go to confession. This resulting in passing on the one true gift that would fulfill my dire need for my father's mercy and forgiveness. I've thought about this a lot, this is such a huge thing that I am losing out on. Even as I sit here and I am awestruck that I haven't gone to confession yet. I went to mass this morning because I was scheduled to sing at the 7:30am service. It was a bit weird to be singing since it has been a  full month since I last sang. It was so relieving though, singing alone helps me cope with a lot of stressful situations, but using my talent to praise the one who gave me my voice, seriously raises my spirit so much more. I feel that peace and true joy when I know I'm lifting his name up. A true love. The only thing holding me back was the fact that I was in a state of sin. After mass, I realized that I have to go to confession and I have been looking at the schedules and plan on going this week. 

Faith. Continuing on, I also came to realize what exactly I'm looking for in the opposite sex. First and foremost, I want him to be a man of God. I want him to strive to be the best man he can be and be fruitful with what God has given to him and what he expects from him. I want him to challenge me in my faith journey so that I can grow closer in communion with him and our Lord. I want him to be caring, that he would wish upon himself another's pain. I want him to be honest and trustworthy, but not the thrown around versions of the word. I want him to be loving and still have a sense of humor. I want him to be able to accept his mistakes and failures and be able to learn from them. I want him to be social, one who loves meeting new people and making connections with them, especially when it comes to my family. My family is very broken, I want him to accept that and accept them. I also want him to fully support me, be my best friend who listens without judging, offers advice without expectation, and who loves unconditionally. These are all high expectations I know, but I believe that when the time is right God will send him to me. There's a lot of brokenness in our world today, a lot of good men that have strayed away from the faith and the one truth. It may take awhile but I'm fully ready. I now accept the fact that I am never alone.  

Family. Well, these last two weeks my parents were on vacation and for about 80% of those two weeks they were actually at the lake. So during these two weeks I got a LOT of time to myself. I really enjoyed it to be honest, other than feeling a little lonely I loved being by myself. My relationship with my mom has grown an enormous amount since last summer around this time. A part of the mending was just realizing that she and I are one of the same. We're both caregivers who don't know how to stand up for what we want because we would rather make someone else happy so that we are happy. We are co-dependents.  I think that's what makes her a great mother. We've developed a new understanding and we communicate better, the fights haven't totally vanished but when they do come up we correct them faster. Not much else to really say about family except about the relationship with my mom.

Counseling. Recently, I had to part with my counselor that I was seeing for the past oh seven months. She was only an intern and her designated time at the UCC was up. It was a very sad experience, I mean, it was another goodbye to someone who knew everything about my struggles and weaknesses. She knew about my family and all those things that I keep quiet because I'm scared I'll be judged. I was transferred to someone new, who has had a lot of training with the schemas I've been working on and with to recognize. I am very much scared of this new chapter because it is someone I have to tell my story too again and be able to trust that they are looking out for my best interest. Trust, it's one of the hardest things to do in my life. Like I said about goodbyes, it's hard. I did meet my soon to be counselor and she seems very nice and easygoing, she reminds me of the counselor I had but with a few more years tucked under her belt. The biggest transition I made was starting to attend group counseling. Now here is where all the insecurities and excuses started showing up. My counselor, the one who is leaving, suggested that I start attending group so I can be with people that will give some input and help me with what I'm going through as well as for me to give input for them as well. We are talking about putting me with a bunch of strangers that I have never met before and having me tell them all those deep dark secrets that I keep inside because I don't want to be judged. (Talk about nerve racking) As much as I didn't want to do it, I knew that she knew me and she wouldn't put me out to dry on my own. Turns out she was right, I absolutely loved my first group session. She had challenged me to be absolutely honest and lay everything out on the table. I did just that, I have no idea where I got the strength to tell all these strangers what I'd been through, but I did it. For the first time in my life, I got positive feedback and my needs were MET. There was no ignoring of my true feelings, I didn't get insulted, and for once I wasn't told that I was just overreacting. WHAT A RELIEF. I even received a hug from one of the girls present. Turns out my story reached out and connected with her so much that she started crying with me. It was such an overwhelming feeling, but in a good way. I look forward to attending group now. People helping people, and that's exactly what I love doing.

Health. So tonight I was inspired by two shows that always seem to touch my heart every episode. Secret Millionaire and Extreme Makeover: Weight Loss Edition. Secret Millionaire inspires me every week because I see how many people are in need, right in my own back yard, I just want to reach out and help in any way I possibly can. In fact, I just saved a packet of various volunteer opportunities to my computer. I will definitely look into a few of these for this next year. If I am ever as successful as some of these millionaires are, I hope I invest and give money to those organizations in need. Now for the second show, Extreme makeover, AH! I'm obsessed, it wants me to work on myself and make me into a better person. It shows how hard work, determination, and setting goals can help you change your life. It makes me want to work out and see that process which, by the way, I'm starting. This past week I have been logging my meals and drinking at least 6 glasses of water a day. Tomorrow, I will try getting up at 7am for quick workouts as well as preparing my breakfasts for the next week. My mom has been buying more fruit and veggies. I have the motivation, new school year, new me. I'm a work in progress and I think it's the right time for change.

Well...I am absolutely exhausted & I am terribly in love with Jane by Design. haha

Goodnight & God Bless
Always remember,
Truth Speaks when Faith Listens.

Tiffany xo

All I Can Say Is...

I'm sorry,

I'll keep saying it because I keep messing up.

The only person who can help me get to where I'm supposed to be,

is the one who made me.



Days Like Today. To be honest, I absolutely hate days off. Especially when I have no appointments or gathering with friends. The day just becomes full of nothing and I'd rather sleep then be productive, which is EXACTLY what I did today. I let two FULL days pass without doing anything productive. Tomorrow, I go back to working and probably will be working for the rest of next week. That's not the problem though, it goes much deeper than that.

Unproductive. This can also describe my faith life right now. I'm not proud of where I am in my faith right now, I'm back to the same as last summer. I've missed mass 4 times in the past two months, that's a whole MONTH without church. I know there's a lot of catholics that don't go to church but hey, that's them, it isn't me. It's not like me at all, & I am starting to see how easy the excuses start to form. My faith is the most important thing to me, when no one else has been there, he has. It's taken me a lot of bad decisions to see that, but his mercy is so endless. I find it amazing with some of the testimonies I hear about how people found God and turned to him. I am kind of jealous because they have a testimony, I've known about God my whole life. I guess I can say I have my own testimony though because I have known about God, but yet I haven't known Him. At search I made commitments, and sadly when I found that paper today I wasn't keeping any of them anymore. So definitely starting that again . What I need to develop is daily conversation with God, instead of just in those moments where I'm stressed or afraid. That's better than nothing right? My point is that if every I tell myself that I'm doing enough, I'm not. There's always a chance to better myself. One thing that has stuck with me through all these years is what my youth director said in class one wednesday night. She said, "We are ALL called to be saints." Wouldn't that be something? If not a saint, I want to be remembered as caring, self-sacrificing, and one who truly shows the love of our Lord. Crazy huh? Challenge Accepted.

Growing Up. I say this because I am moving into my own place in August. August 1st, in fact. It scares me beyond belief that I will be out on my own. Wait a second, pause, rewind, play. Yes, I did say that it scares me that I will be on my own, when a year ago that's all I ever wanted. Moving out into an apartment is growing up for me, the fact I'm leaving my home to begin a new journey. See, moving in the dorms wouldn't have affected me that much because I'd be moving home after 8 months. This is an actual place! I will have to pay bills, cook food, be responsible for myself and not within 2 feet from my mom. She will be a thirty minute drive away, same with my dad. It scares the crap out of me. For once, I'm responsible for everything. Yeah, so I'm scared. Hopefully, I continue growing in my faith and attending mass with my mom. Make Sundays, bonding days. I'm not all scared though, I'm excited to be on my own. It will be nice to see where things go and finally learning what I haven't learned all these years. I've been growing up a lot this past year, being thrown into a lot of new things. Some were good experiences and some were bad experiences. I will have a roommate, which is my close friend, not recently though because of all this apartment drama, I hope that it won't be like this when we move in...but I have a gut feeling it's not all going to be rainbows and butterflies. Hey, there's no rainbows without rain right? My worry right now is the money, I have to work my ass off the rest of the summer. Like basically killing myself for money, I don't have Target anymore because I quit the highest paying job for a job that makes me happy. It's not a bad thing, I just wish happiness paid more. I've been praying that God make my path straight and that if this apartment is a beneficial thing then he will make it happen, so far it's been a green light. We shall see...

I'm not done but I am tired & I should be getting to bed because I have to work early with my dad tomorrow. So I'll close here.

I guess the last thing I have to say is, Maybe I should listen to my own advice...afterall

Truth Speaks when Faith Listens

God Bless & Good night all





My Biggest Disappointment

was the moment I thought I could please everyone,
and still be Myself.

Let's be honest. I always thought that my purpose in life was to care for others. I got way ahead of myself and actually convinced myself that I could please everyone and still be who I am. In the mix of all the chaos I lost who I was in the first place. I didn't stop right away though, I threw the thought away and now here I am. Lost. So Who Am I? Or a better question, who WAS I? I guess the latter question doesn't matter because the past is the past. 

Two weeks Left. Finals, then SUMMER! Although I am unsure where my education path is headed, I know that my #1 priority is to get re-admitted. Then focus, focus, focus.

Tangent. Here's what's been on my mind. I want to better myself fully, what's holding me back? Of course the fear of change, the fear that if I change for the better I will experience happiness and god-forbid that I get used to that happiness. There's my underlining fear of change. I realized this in a counseling session. I fear happiness. How silly that must be for all of you to read. It's 100% truth. The one thing I crave is the number one thing I am afraid of. Anyway...

Commitments. I'm sick of making them, but I want change so bad. There was this quote or saying I came across that says "If you are tired of starting over, then stop giving up." oh SOO much inspiration comes from that statement. There are NO excuses for why I am failing and having to start over. I don't know if I am ready for a change to be able to commit and stick to something everyday but I'm willing to try. I need to figure out all the details but as of right now there are some goals I want to make.

GOALS:

1. Slim down

- Make exercise fun 

2. Strengthen my faith life

-Learn to thank God as well as asking for help

3. Become a good student

- Enough F's, I never used to get this much before

4. Stop insulting myself

- Positive Inside and Outside. 

5. Stop Swearing

- It doesn't make me look intelligent.

6. Stop Chewing my nails

-That just needs to stop haha

Now. I just need to think about my plan of action. For the exercise one, I know that I need to make a realistic goal. Otherwise I fail before I even start. There's another quote I love that says, "So the next time he sees me, he'll regret treating me wrong." This is EXACTLY what I want, I want to be able to live a life worth writing all over my Facebook so that if he ever looks at my page he can go WOW she really did move and and she looks good. I want to make him wish (even in the littlest voice at the very back corner of his mind) that he still had me. That's not the healthiest thing to be wishing or thinking but hey, he ruined happiness for me. Not only him but all those in my past. 

Doubts. Part of me strongly doubts that I will ever find someone that will mean as much to me as he did. I have a lot of regrets even though I keep telling myself that it was a one way relationship. He expected a lot from me, to uproot and just be with him. Isn't that exactly what I want for a relationship? I have such high standards that maybe no one will reach them, and I'll be all alone. I don't want to be alone. I want to love and be loved by someone. To get married and have a big family. I'm definitely scared that either no one will agree to my standards or I will make an exception and fall hard for a horrible relationship. I pray, I really do. It hasn't seemed to give me any answers though. I'm at a loss to where or who I'm supposed to be with. How can I be the perfect girl for someone if I don't have anyone willing to take a chance on me? 

Well I think I'm done venting. Time to read for ethics. I love you guys! 

xoxo-T