I'm Going to Fall Like I Don't Need Saving

God, I'm looking for you,

God, I'm longing for you,

But I'll find you in the place I'm in.

-Find You On My Knees
Kari Jobe

 

I'm done. No more pity party for me, there's no reason for me to be unhappy, I want change and I have to make it myself. Starting today, no more...if people are using me then I need to cut them out of my life. After Chicago (blog post coming) I realized how amazing it feels to do something for myself. The freedom I felt when I was at the audition and the joy I experienced doing things I wanted to do. How long has it actually been since I've done something I wanted to do? Feels like a million years. Maybe not quite that long, but I always forget how good it feels. I now realize why I feel amazing when I go to Fargo by myself. Whenever I go to Fargo by myself, I feel like I'm leaving my life behind even for a couple hours. I'm not worrying about anything but myself. This needs to be incorporated more in my life. I'm not saying I'm going to be an outright witch to people because that's a complete 180 in the WRONG direction. Changes need to be made and no time is better than the present. Although this blog post is probably one of my bursts of confidence that will die out as soon as I press publish and walk outside...but I'm determined not to let that be the outcome.

2013: Change. To be honest, 2012 wasn't my best year...and neither was 2011. I let a lot of people into my life that just used me. I think I spent majority of those years worrying about others and serving them that I lost who I was. I realize how important those SEARCH retreats were, why I felt relieved going to one. The need...the need for a weekend with people that wouldn't ask of anything...but instead live with me and accept me for who I am. At that time I don't think I realized who I was...to this day I can't really tell you. However, 2013 is going to be the year I realize who I am and I start setting that in stone. This year has already been on a great start to this self-discovery. With the Chicago audition at the beginning of this month. On that trip I realized that I really am a small town girl, but I do know a few things about city living and I love traveling. The thing that I really took away from that trip is the importance of music in my life and how good I actually am. (No, I'm not getting a big headed. Those who know me and my insecurities will probably sigh loudly and say "Finally") Along with the realization of being a good singer, I realized how good I am at connecting with people. These are huge! Especially when thinking about my future career.

Bad habits. With changing, I need to face my bad habits and take care of them because they are holding me down. Not going to class, is one I'm guilty of now in this moment. I've been sitting at Caribou since 10am this morning because I skipped my two classes. Just simply didn't want to go to them. I haven't been unproductive, I actually did some reading for my Human Behavior class, and started an assignment for that class. It wouldn't be so bad if I didn't skip yesterday's classes too. Not entirely...my car didn't start until early afternoon and so I had no transportation to my first class and I could've made it to the second half of one of my classes and definitely made my last class. Instead I went out to my momma's to visit my nieces and stayed there. Spending. Yup, this is a huge one too. I'm absolutely horrible with money and I burn it faster than I get it. I honestly don't know how I've paid my bills. This is a problem...a big problem and I've promised myself so many times that I would get better but I never truly admitted that it was a problem. So now I am. This needs to change and I need to seek out help to make and maintain a budget. I need to establish wants from needs (which means getting rid of a lot). Eating and Not Eating. This is a big one....my overall goal is I want to lose weight...I have a picture on my computer of me in my junior year of highschool and I look good. I want that so bad...it's not just pressure of society to look a certain way, but it's because I'm really upset with how bad I've gotten. Health risk factor walking. I can't look in the mirror or at a scale...without crying. Then there's days where I won't eat anything at all...like I have to force myself to eat. (Not healthy, I know) I just like making excuses...I just wish I had someone to do it with me. I feel like I progress better when I know I'm not alone. (It's a scientific fact as well)  Pleasing Others. I take this to the extreme all the time...I actually beat myself up if it makes someone else happy...even if it doesn't make them happy but just content. I could write a 300 + page book on how bad I am with pleasing others.

My point. I have a lot of changes to make, but they are for my own good. I figured I better make this blog worth reading since I haven't blogged in awhile. I'd love to start blogging on a regular basis but that means I'd have to not be ADHD and that's not going to happen anytime soon. I think it's about time I wrap this one up anyways. I need to actually get back to homework.

You know how to get ahold of me if you need me, if you don't just leave a comment. Until my next post, just keep in mind.

Truth Speaks when Faith Listens

-Tiffany xo

 

 



Look Closely at the Tragedy

To Find the Beauty Within;

Lord I am Thankful.

 

Thankful. Joyful. At Peace.

Here's my past two weeks:

Roommate's declaration of moving out

Rent Due

Anger

Frustration

Finals

Stress

Cousin's Unexpected Death

Funeral

Crying

Hating Job

Best Friend Got Married, Without telling me

Stomach Flu

 

It seemed like the world was crumbling underneath me and everything that could go wrong was going wrong. In these tragedies, I began to see how far I've come. I was being tested and I feel like I passed.

 

Right Now, All I have to say is "Thank you Jesus, Thank you Father, Thank you Holy Spirit! "

 

Tonight, I discussed the rent situation with my friend. I was so torn between legality and a friendship that I forgot what was more important. Relationships are more important than material possessions. True, the rent needs to be paid and there's a contract that was signed. Which we discussed and we came to an agreement that if I couldn't find someone that she was still responsible for the half of the rent until I could find someone. I told her that I would get rid of the internet and I would find a way to pay for utilities since she wasn't living here anyways, so she would just be responsible for her half of the rent. I did this without a harsh word, there was nothing but understanding and I think that we were on the same page. The truth is that I don't want to lose her as a friend, especially when she is having a hard time herself. I'm not one to be selfish, I know that financial struggles are in the works for me if I don't find someone but at the same time I have this feeling that God has my back. I gained this feeling while I was at my cousin's funeral.

 

Speaking of which, my cousin Jamie died unexpectedly last Wednesday. I can't believe it's already been a week. A little background about my cousin, he was one of my musical inspirations. He was so talented and music just flowed out of him. I remember that I wanted to sing with him, I figured that it would be a great memory. It never happened though. He passed away in his early 30s because of a fatal heart attack, he was the same age as my sister. My sister took this especially hard because they grew up together. The funeral was hard, I'm not going to lie. I broke down more than once but somehow his death has helped me look toward my future; my future in music. I have been given new hope and I know that even though I didn't get to sing with him on earth, I know that I will have plenty of time to sing with him.

 

 

I will finish tomorrow possibly. haha I'm tired and I plan on waking up early to study for my Anthro Final & Psych Final tomorrow :/ Goodnight all :)

 

I'm learning that I need to Let Go & Let God

Tiffany -xo.

As One Door Closes...

Another One Opens....

How true. This could not be a more true statement in my life right now. Last week was such an emotional rollercoaster, let's put it this way; I've never been more happy for a Monday than I was this morning. I've been saying that all day. Last week was emotionally exhausting, beginning on Monday. It continued throughout the week. Talking to my counselor I realized that all the negativeness from early last week was the after effects of my re-processing that was taking place. 

Re-processing...? I better explain, I have been going to see a counselor on campus for about a year now. Since I decided to audition for the Voice in January, she suggested that I do EMDR- not for traumatic experiences but as a way to increase my confidence. She suggested this after she heard all my doubts behind my audition. Last Monday was my first day doing this EMDR, I did do this before with my other counselor but it didn't help me because I was still closed in and I didn't participate fully so it didn't help me. On Monday it was a completely different experience, I was fully open and vulnerable. Guess what happened? I re-processed all the rest of the day and beat myself up over all the negativeness I kept saying about myself. It was horrible and it continued through Tuesday too, so bad that I skipped my classes. Not the brightest mood  but I was over halfway to my first class and subconsciously turned around got into my car and started driving. I realized what was happening when I got to the stoplight, by that time I just kept going. 

Oh, but there's more. There was so much crap that happened last week that I'm happy it's Monday. There's some realizations that I have brought about myself to. (I will list them...in a numbered list later on) My main realization though is that some changes need to be made. They are all changes that I need to follow through with myself, for myself. I've made this decision because if I am going to keep recovering...I'm going to have to just go with the inevitable. In saying that, I'm going to have to do what's best for me and not do what everyone else wants me to do. That means I might be hurting those I love, but some of those people that I love are taking advantage of my generosity and I can't let that happen anymore. It's a big obstacle in co-dependency. Boundaries. Co-dependents are horrible with boundaries, hence my realizations. Speaking of which, I'm going to write those now.

A Time for Change: A Newer, Stronger, Better Version of Myself.

1. Chicago, Chicago, Chicago

- Figure out Cost 

- Figure out Funding

- Figure out Transportation

- Figure out Songs

2. No more Miss Wait Around

- This past week showed me who cares about my feelings

and who doesn't. Drop whoever doesn't.

- I don't have to be mean, but I can't base my life around those who 

aren't there for me

- Put myself first

3. Finish the semester with a bang

- Get CDW turned in. STAT

- Go to classes

- Finish papers, start last assignments

- Study guides for finals

- LEARN CHOIR MUSIC for Friday

This is where I'm ending, with what I have figured out, I'm starting with the waiver...I'm getting my choir teacher's done tonight. Wish me luck & God willing! Overall I've been through, I realize that God leads me into the light. I know he'll get me through this with the best people. My overall goal is to be in a helluva better place this time next year. Adieu!

Truth Speaks when Faith Listens,

I'm starting to listen ;)

LOVE 

me xo

A Day for Giving Thanks

then why am I on the verge of crying?

Everything is changing. I mean, I knew that it wasn't going to be the same as past years, but wow! I didn't know that it was going to hurt me that badly. Looking back a year, everything was so different. Some things were great, others were horrible.The thing that hurt the most is that out of 23 people in my immediate family, barely half showed up for Thanksgiving. My heart aches for a family...I mean I know that we can't be together because of some legal stuff but we don't even try to be a family. I don't know what to do...I don't know how to react...how am I supposed to act when I don't even see one brother's family? Ironically, they live the closest to us.

Poor Poor Pitiful Me. The worst part of this is that I feel even worse because I feel bad....that I'm feeling bad. Does that make any sense? I feel like I'm being selfish because I want a family, instead of accepting that HEY! My family is messed up and it's THEIR fault that they don't want to fix it. Meanwhile, while I'm feeling sorry for myself there are people who don't even have PARENTS....much less ANY family. There are people that are going HUNGRY...and I'm over here on the verge of breaking down because of my little family problems. Please stop me if I'm getting overdramatic.

Wish List for Christmas? I was asked what I wanted for Christmas from my only brother that attended Thanksgiving, I told him that I really don't have a list. There was a lot of things I want, but the one thing that I want the most that I can't say out loud. What I want the most for Christmas is a Family. I don't want to go through another holiday where half of my family doesn't show up, this holiday was enough. I hate having to pick and choose sides, or even just acting dumb to why one of them can't be with us. I'm really getting sick of the inconsiderate people in my family. They don't understand that their ignorance is killing people...it's hurting people....it's hurting me. I'm getting fed up with the communication barrier between us all, I'm getting sick of having to hide how I really feel because I'm not involved....well indirectly I'm involved...and I'm about to raise hell. It hurts not being able to be a family, although I understand - it feels like I'm getting the short end of the stick. No call, just a text that said Happy Thanksgiving....how am I supposed to be thankful for a family that doesn't even get along? A family that doesn't even talk. Of course I feel like I have to fix it, but I know I can't....and for that I'm stuck in the middle not knowing where the hell to go from here. I know I need to pray....but I can't - I don't know how to pray. I can't dedicate myself to prayer...I feel like it won't work. Call me a hypocrite - I know I am. I just hate falling apart - I'm so impatient with God....all I can do is cry for help. This is my crying for help....I can't do this anymore.

 

I'm done now...I just had to vent before I blew up and did something that wouldn't help the situation at all. So those of you that read this...pray for me and most of all pray for family unity because I can't do this on my own. That's all.

oh yeah....Happy Thanksgiving



A Weekend Finding Love

What Love is This, That you gave your life

for me?

I am loved. This past weekend I got to go back to Valley City for a SEARCH retreat. If you know anything about me, you will know that Search weekends are something I look forward too. As in, the last one I went to before this November retreat was in April...and I almost died while waiting for this one because they were so far apart.

Never have I ever. Felt as loved as I did this weekend. I met so many wonderful people with a fire for God and the same beliefs as myself. Plus I got to see a lot of my favorite people who I didn't get to see for awhile. The thing about Search friendships is that they are solid because they are built with a strong foundation and that strong foundation is Christ. I strongly believe that those friendships built in Christ and that have Christ as the center are the best friendships. I haven't seen some of these people in months, maybe even a year! The great thing is that we pick up right where we left off, even over time.

In the Beginning. Yes, I was a little nervous for seeing everyone again. I always fool myself into thinking that no one misses me. Yes, my good friends are the exception. Even with my good friends, I always feel like maybe they aren't for me. Boy was I wrong on this weekend! As soon as I walked in, it was like I never left. Okay, so there were a few newer people but I still got along with them. My heart has never been so joyous as the moment I walked into the auditorium and saw everyone .My joy started as soon as we turned off the interstate and started descending the hill into what's known as Valley City.

Nervous? You bet! I was nervous for the new searchers, I didn't know any of them! Plus, I battle with what people think of me in general. It's the self-esteem issue...I'm not the healthiest or the prettiest but I'm me. Somehow someone always says something negative though and I believe every word. But this weekend I didn't hear anything negative, all I heard were positive reinforcements that I was beautiful. For the first time I felt great about myself! I have such wonderful friends and I got closer with a lot of my guy friends. They were the ones that kept saying I'm beautiful and all these compliments plus I got so many loving hugs this past weekend. Today I'm feeling the hug withdrawl...I miss them so much!

 

 

The biggest thing I learned this weekend is that I am beautiful and it's okay to be single. Someone will come into my life at the right time, until then I just need to keep growing & keep learning to love myself.

 

Until next time - It's true what I've been saying

Truth Speaks when Faith Listens.

Love you & God Bless

Tiffany

A Quick Reflection Before I Forget...

Clothesline Project. I just wanted to stop and write a blog post on how I'm feeling at this very moment. I just stopped by an event on campus called the Clothesline Project. It is a collection of different colored shirts that are placed on clotheslines. These shirts are from victims, survivors, both adults and children who've witnessed abuse of any kind. This could range from physical to emotional to sexual. The colors of the shirts represent who they are and what they went through. An example would be a white shirt, which is symbolizing someone who was killed because of the abuse against them.
A bit of background, I've known about this event since I was a freshman at Central because they would take us in our Family & Consumer Sciences classes. So, what I felt back then is nothing compared to what I feel now going through it.Today was the second time I stopped through to look at the shirts I didn't get a chance to look at yesterday during our lab. Back in high school when I looked through these shirts I was shocked to see how much this actually happened and I praised those who were able to make shirts and stick it to the people that did this to them. Back then, I couldn't fathom how much hurt this caused. Today, it's a different story.
Today, I understand their pain. I live their pain. The truth is that so many people do. I know what it's like to not trust people, especially guys in my situation. I know what it's like to see that person and not know what to say but inside you are screaming "Please apologize! Don't you know what you did?" That just being my point. He took my innocence, although he didn't take it all...he took a piece of me that I can't get back. He made me feel like I was dirty and I was ashamed. That's not what you are supposed to feel. You can say I deserved it, he was the first guy I ever kissed or even made out with. He was not the person I would've chosen for this, but he was selfish and he just took what he wanted. I was drunk and blacking in and out, I couldn't vocalize no, and to him and others that means I wanted it. I didn't. After it was done I curled up into a ball and couldn't sleep. I prayed that no one would be mad at me. I shut myself off from the world and left as soon as it was a decent time. Shame is not a normal and okay feeling.
After this happened I realized the importance of sex. Why it's not to be used and thrown around like some toy. Now here's a caution, I'm not using this to judge anyone. This is it's importance to me. I don't judge others, whatsoever. Because who am I to cast the first stone? I'm not without sin. Sex is now something that has so much value that I have closed myself off to letting it happen. Granted, it's not like I have so many situations where I have to chose or what not. Still, I have a whole new outlook on what it means to me. I understand more now that I've been through this traumatic experience, about the importance of waiting for the one you want to marry. Someday, I do want to marry. I have to let go of this first.
As much as I say I'm over it, obviously I'm not. Those emotions that came up during the clothesline project? Those are still raw emotions. I was about to cry...tears of pain. On a good note though, I'm proud of those men, women, and children who were able to make those shirts & I hope they are doing well on their recovery. I plan on doing a shirt, in time.

God, please wrap your loving arms and surround me with your understanding.

I pray that you take all these negative emotions of hate and pain away and 

renew in me your forgiveness and patience.

Remind me that you are in charge of it all, and you can help me through this.

Through the intercession of our most Holy Mother Mary.

I pray.

Thank you Jesus. I love you.

Truth will be speaking, when I grab hold of my faith and listen.

Tiff xo

If You're Reading This (Part 2)

Older sisters are the first friend we ever have.

No matter how much I say I hate you,
I'll always remember that you were there at the beginning

and you'll be there are the end.

I just simply want the best for you.

 

Dear Big Sister.

No matter how many times I say I am done caring about you and to stop talking to me about your life, have you ever seen me not listen when you need it the most? Have you ever stopped to ask yourself why I still come back, listen, and offer advice, even when 100% of the time you never take it? Yeah, I ask myself that question everytime. Day in and day out, when you need someone to vent to about your life  I'll listen.

Would you like to know why  I'm writing this blog for you? Well, it's because this is the only way I can get you to listen to me. This is my only way to write how I'm feeling. The saddest part is you could read it and throw it away like everything I've ever said, or you could choose not to read it at all. But here goes nothing.

 

First off, I LOVE YOU. With all of my heart, to the point that no matter how much you hurt me and ignore me and cast me aside, I'll still love you. I love you until it hurts, because you are my sister. You and I share the same blood. You may not be aware that you hurt me, and this is why I'm writing this.Growing up, you made some bad choices that led you to some bad people. You fell in deep and lost who you were and who you wanted to be. You experienced the late part of dad's recovery from being an alcoholic and you also experience something that ruined your innocence as a child. Most of all you got involved with someone who continues to change you to this day. I'll get to that later. As hard as this may be to believe, I understand & I empathize with you.

 

I've been there, not in the same situations but close. My innocence was taken from me before my first year of college. I was forced into something I didn't want from a FRIEND. Maybe not a family member, but someone I trusted. I made bad choices too. Driving drunk, drinking, smoking, maybe not to the extent most of our family has taken it but still. So I didn't grow up with older brothers who weren't good examples, or dad's issues after recovery but does that make me less of a person? Does that make me someone who wouldn't understand?

 

I hate to say this, but I'm begging you to give me a chance to speak. So what if I'm 19 and haven't even had a real relationship or had sex. Does that mean I haven't lived life enough to realize how corrupted life is? No, truth is I'm way more grown up than my age. I wish you would accept this, instead of making up excuses to why I have no points in what I'm saying and there's no logic.

 

I feel hurt when I hear you say things like, "You don't understand because you don't have kids." But the thing that hurts me the most is broken promises. I remember when we were little and you would tell me what you wanted out of life, how you wanted to find that one guy. You wanted to become a nurse and provide. You made me a promise that you wouldn't settle for less than what you deserved and that you would set a standard for me. As a little girl, promises mean something. We don't pinky swear for nothing. I still am that little girl, with high hopes for her sister to show her what she can be capable of accomplishing. When did the little sister surpass her big sister? I considered you a role model growing up, but now I realize it wasn't you that was my role model. It was the woman you promised me you'd be. Now I sit here with a shocked look on my face. I haven't even realized this myself until now as I'm writing.

 

Do you want the truth? I have high standards for you now. Starting with what you promised me when we were little. I'm concerned about your current and past relationships. Which both have resulted into two wonderful and amazing little girls. Back to the relationships. What happened to not settling for anything less than you deserve? I realize that at this point in time you are probably convinced that he is what you deserve & I'm  saying NO you DON'T deserve him. You deserve SO MUCH MORE than what you settled for. I can hear you already making excuses and defending him. My favorite excuses? "You don't know what it's like to have a baby," "I've hurt him as much as he's hurt me," "Do you think mom should've left dad?" or even the "He's been through so much and he's allowed to be like that...I know he's sorry (he doesn't mean it)" and I'm sure there's more that you are coming up with if you are reading this. I'm going to respond to each one.

 

"You don't know what it's like to have a baby." You are ABSOLUTELY correct. It doesn't mean I haven't grown up around children my whole life or that I've taken classes to understand what it would be like to have children. The most important part about this statement is the BABY part. I understand that when you have a baby, that child is the most important part of your life. Or they should be, if they weren't you should've given them up for adoption. Your two daughters mean everything to me, I've said this multiple times and I'll say this again. I love them, if anything were to happen to them you bet I'd have someone's head cut off. I mean that, I didn't know it was possible to have this endless kind of love for children that weren't even mine. I feel sorry for them to be in a situation where their mom isn't helping herself. I feel sorry for Kins because the male figures in her life are her deadbeat father who really wants nothing to do with her, and the guy that you live with being racist against african americans and uses the "N" word while referring to them. I feel sorry for Kay because he mom and dad fight all the time, and her father really doesn't take care of her. I also feel sorry for the both of them because of the use of weed around them. My heart breaks when kay wakes up screaming from a nap and kins slaps and hits the other girls. These really aren't normal behaviors sis. Think about THEM. I feel like you use Kins to get her dad to see her. Shouldn't he just want to see her? or CLEAN UP and set up a life that his daughter would be proud of? It's not your job to make sure she sees him, & you shouldn't have to run off to Fargo using our cousin as a cover up. I know you take Kins to see him. Stop trying to please everyone. I know you were texting J*** and saying that you were taking the kids and leaving. Why would you tell him? Why not just leave without a trace? or GET HELP to get away without worrying about him stalking you?

"

"I've hurt him as much as he hurts me." & "He's been through so much and he's allowed to be like that...I know he's sorry (he doesn't mean it)"  Bullshit. No, I don't believe this nonsense whatsoever. He grew up with the unfortunate life and he's making YOU pay for it.Over 12 years he's brainwashed you into thinking and BELIEVING that it's your fault. Everything, it's your fault. It's not your fault his mom left and his dad was a drunk & beat him. It's not your fault he got into drinking and drugs and that's how he deals with things. It's not your fault you almost got charged with a felony and your dreams of being a nurse anywhere could've been ruined. YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR ALL THE THINGS HE'S CONVINCED YOU OF. It's definitely not your fault that he hasn't seeked help from a shrink and you sure don't need to make sure he goes. Care about yourself! I know it's easier said and done but instead of promising me and breaking that promise, just walk into an office and admit you need help.

 

My personal favorite,"Should mom have left dad when he was a drunk?" first off, this doesn't compare to your situation because every situation is different. Also, the differences between you and mom is that mom got help she went to Al-Anon. She also put her children in front of dad when he acted stupid. She cared about them, and let him do his own thing. She admitted she wasn't in control of what he did, when he did it. He straightened up though, but I don't see this happening with J*** I'm sorry. He may fool you and be able to manipulate everyone but I see right through him. Everytime. I don't understand why everyone tells me to respect him and just "go with it" I'm sorry but I grew up being taught to treat our elders with respect. He acts younger than me, so why would I respect him.

 

Please don't ever use the excuse, "You're too young to understand" I'm so SICK of hearing this. Truth is I will NEVER be older than you, that's just not possible realistically. I do believe that I am old enough to understand simple concepts as a gentleman. Which J*** is not. Sis, do you want full complete honesty?

 

 

What do you deserve? What does my sister deserve?

You deserve someone who will love you for you. Someone who will encourage you to follow your dreams and go back to school to finish those few credits until you become an LPN. You deserve someone who will treat & love your girls as if they were his. Someone who will comment how beautiful you are and take you out a couple nights. Someone who doesn't lie, manipulate, abuse, or put you down. Someone who lets you hang out with your friends and isn't jealous if you talk to a guy you know. Someone who doesn't check your phone and accuse you of cheating...someone who won't cheat. This guy is out there, I know he is. The problem is, you've been hurt so many times that you won't open your eyes and get help for yourself. You've been told you are nothing and worthless all your life. But you are worth so much.

What do I see when I look at you?

I see a beautiful, caring, and loving woman. I see what you can be if you only gave it a chance. I see a mother who would do anything for her daughters if she would only help herself first. I see a sad, lonely, and hurt soul. Someone who doesn't know where to go and is scared that eventually no one will believe her. I see someone who is silently screaming for help but won't take it when it's offered. I see a little girl who was robbed of her innocence and never fully recovered. I see you. All of you. What you won't admit, I see it. As much as I want to reach out and help you, I know and accept that it isn't my choice. All I can offer is prayer & pleading to God that someday maybe you'll see what your capable of.

No matter what, I won't give up on you. If you give up on yourself, then I hope to God you push your girls to be everything they ever wanted. Teach them not to accept disrespect from a male, teach them about God. Show them God's selfless love and his everflowing mercy. Teach them how to be a lady and how to dream their biggest dream. Then show them and tell them that they can reach it. Don't be okay with them experimenting. What good will that bring? You say you don't care if they drink, do drugs, or smoke. I do.

There's so much that they are capable of and I hope that they are never discouraged from reaching for the stars. They don't need the addictions, they need love. You're right, they will experiment...but teach them. Have them learn from your mistakes.

My wish for you is that you will seek help for yourself. See a counselor and ADMIT EVERYTHING. They are there to help but they can't help unless you are honest. That's a lesson I learned. Healing is slow, but there's nothing like that feeling of freedom you begin to get. That breath of relief. What's wrong with running to God too? I may sound like I'm preaching but seriously. He forgives, he forgives all of your wrongs, your judgements, your sins, your everything. He takes the burden from you, he died for you. Like my status that you liked from Kari Jobe's song What Love is This?

 

"I look to you...I see the scars upon your hands & hold the truth, That when I can't you always can. I'm standing here beneath the shadow of the cross, I'm overwhelmed that I keep finding open arms. What love is this, that you gave your life for me & made a way for me to know you. && I confess you're always enough for me you're all I need"

 

Do you see what I'm saying? Have you heard what I've had to say?
Above all I want you to keep with you,

how much I really do love you.

I wrote this because it's the only way you would listen to me.

Like I said...you may not even read this.

I do love you...& I believe in you.

I'm praying for you.

 

You're not so little sister,

Me xo